AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

My friends son his relationship was just as you are describing your Son’s .
When all came to all the DW was a total control freak and had been for a long time .
Now she would call up her parents and play the victim and get the sympathy she craved .
Mums instinct is it wrong? as my friend new there was something a miss and she was dead right ………

That’s an interesting point re ops husband. If he got a gift and not her.

But then there has been no mentioned of father or husband so I wonder if he doesn’t exist for whatever reason.

If he is on the scene what does he think of your insistence at calling pretty much bang on when the wife gets home as if you really wanted to chat surely you would change the time. If you know wife gets home at 7pm stop calling at 6:50pm and call at 6pm.

If you know a joint gift makes him happy buy them a tea towel or a magnet from the place you’ve been. You know proper holiday tat.

Do you insist on calling each of your children three times a week? That must take up quite a bit of your time if you are wanting long catch ups three times a week by three children.

Are your own parents or in-laws still around? Do / did they insist on long multiple times a week calls? Did your husband parents never get you a gift or talk to you on the phone? Did your parents never buy your husband a gift? Never said hi on a phone call.

In the words of Taylor Swift:

"I'm (you) the problem it's me (you)".

I think you're the problem. He should indeed put his wife before you, think of his wife when you offer to get him something. They're a unit. She is his immediate family now. Giving birth to a child doesn't make them yours, it just makes you privileged to be a parent. They are not yours to dominate.

I hope my son will always treat his partner this way. I will always make a concerted effort to involve their partner in everything, because they will be my SIL/DIL.

Exactly!

God my DH phones his mum about once every 8 weeks for about 5 minutes max, even then despite the fact my MIL hates me the only reason he phones her is because I nag him to phone his mum!
When I didn't live near my parents I used to call them a couple of times a month unless I had a specific reason to call them, my oldest daughter doesn't live with us any more and she never phones only sends the odd message.
I think the younger generation don't do phone calls like we used to, everything is snapchat or whats app messages and they never answer the phone if you phone they ignore it and text a reply.

My MIl would never just buy for DH and not me unless it's his birthday.

If I answered his phone when he's not there we would have a nice chat. I'd tell him and he'd phone back later. DH is not brilliant at communicating with his mum, but that's not my fault.

I really do sympathise but there is absolutely nothing you can do about this apart from keeping a respectful distance & don’t interfere . Your son is an adult & has made his choice in that his loyalty is now with his wife & their own family . The last thing u want is to be seen as the interfering MIL from hell , so don’t push this in case he blocks contact with you altogether .

Mind your own business. You sound a bit controlling

Your son is a Grown man with a family of his own now and It sounds as though he might be a bit irritated that you’re calling so often. If he works nights then it maybe they spend very little time together as it is….

you seem also to be really hung up on the fact that you’re not allowed to buy only your son a gift. What is it about him and his life that you need to be so invested in? I’m afraid it isn’t normal to call your sons all the time it; can feel very smothering.

Wow what a strange take! He treats his wife good and as his top priority as he should. Any mom should be happy that she raised a man who is so caring and attentive to his wife why be upset about that? Also they been together 14 years for crying out loud she should be long used to their marital dynamic by now. Why wait until 14 yrs later to say something? Also I definitely wouldn’t get the other son involved and put him in a made spot that’s how drama happens in families her issues with her son is her issue. The other son isn’t the one having issues with him so dragging him into something that has nothing to do with him isn’t ok. If anything his wife would know more she is his main family and lives with the man for crying out loud.

Also it’s pretty normal for when a spouse comes home from work usually tired and worn out that phone calls come to a polite end. That’s perfectly natural so you can check in on each other as husband and wife and see how each others day went and to check in on general family life. Dinner plans/kids/bills etc. I would find it rude if I just got home from being away all day from my husband and he just completely ignored me and continued gabbing on the phone as if I wasn’t around. Unless it’s an emergency phone call of course which it doesn’t sound at all like these ones are bc I’m sure OP would mention it.

The gift thing I’m baffled by they are a married unit it’s assumed unless it’s for a specific celebration geared just towards the son such as his bday graduation promotion etc that you gift for the couple. After 14 years the son and DIL prob just assume OP isn’t that rude to just offer her son a souvenir/gift and totally ignore his wife her DIL. Surely that would be incredibly rude and send a message she isn’t fully family. She should be fully a part of the family for everything she is a wife not a gf and a long time family member at that. It’s probably assumed when OP asks what do you want the you is plural as they are married and an entity. If my parents as what I/we want it’s my default to be like oh I’ll have this from the trip/store/etc and DH will take a bottle of whiskey. It’s not even a second thought to us my DH is family the minute he married me and even before that. Like another poster upthread said imagine if they called and said to OP’s husband what can I get you from the store and not to OP herself that would be crazy!

also how is it weird to partake when family calls. I would find it odd if the DIL didn’t take any interest in her MIL if she is around is she just supposed to go in the other room or sit there and say nothing. That’s even weirder to me. She prob figures it’s her MIL she wants to build a relationship with her and if she doesn’t talk to her when she calls how can she do that? She isn’t some random person off the street she is family. When my MIL calls and I’m around if anything my husband hands the phone over to me and I end up talking to her more than her own son does. We are close and I love and appreciate our relationship. And sorry it’s her HUSBAND her answering his phone is perfectly normal if he’s in the other room. Again is she supposed to just stare at the phone if it rings? It’s weirder you rather get your son’sVM when you call him then your own DIL’s live voice bc at least you have an idea what’s going on and when you can expect a call back from your son. Besides she wouldn’t survive in the day of land lines you would call and anyone in the family may may answer. Why is her husband’s cellphone in her own home weird for her to answer. If my phone rings and say I’m driving my husband will often answer for me and vice versa our parents prefer this as opposed to us answering when we are driving and risking our safety. She is treating her DIL like some stranger off the street or an acquaintance rather than close family. Very strange. DIL is prob trying to just form some sort of bond with her MIL

Unless MIL is paying for her son’s cell phone it isn’t her right or place to dictate who answers her son’s cell phone. In fact how does she even have a dog in this fight when it’s his own wife which trumps mother. If this was my husband I would be like who the hell does anyone think they are telling us how to run our family life??? The only person who has a say in this is the husband and wife themselves and if they are ok with how they handle phone calls that’s all that matters

Even if your DIL is controlling, what are you hoping to do about it, OP?

My DB has married someone who is very controlling, demanding and volatile. He knew this early on in their relationship and confided in us about some of what went on, which was fairly alarming, and we told him so and offered support if he wanted to leave.

But then he proposed in a super OTT way, and they had a massive destination wedding and a bunch of kids.

We hardly see or hear from him anymore. It’s sad, but he’s a competent, intelligent adult, and he chose (and continues to choose) this relationship with his eyes open, so there’s nothing for it but to let them crack on.

Is everyone conveniently forgetting that the MIL knows good and well that her DIL arrives home from work the same time she calls everyday. So if she is irritated her son has to hang up why doesn’t she gasp check in with her own son on when a better time to call would be. Repeating the same things over and over again expecting different results is the definition of insanity. It reads to me MIL is doing this on purpose trying to irritate her DIL or make some stance that her phone call time should trump their family time. And after 14 years of course if you are getting souvenirs and gifts it’s expected the spouse is included weird they wouldn’t be. I would assume an offer includes my spouse as well as we are a team an entity

I think I must be very lucky as my daughter phones me every single day ! She lives 30 mins away but visits every weekend & sometimes during the week 2 .

This is the funniest thread I’ve read in a long time. OP, you sound an utter nightmare 😂

OP, I knew as soon as I was halfway through your post that it wouldn’t go down well on here. You do know that MN is absolutely anti MIL? Any concerns you have will be dismissed as interfering. Never, ever, question your dil. She’s a saint who must never be challenged under any circumstances. Her actions, whether appropriate or not, will always be justified…..well at least in the MN echo chambers…

Right! The audacity of answering her own husband’s phone. Hell who knows she may even be the one paying his bill we don’t know. Also the audacity to assume after 14 years that as the spouse of your husband you would be included in gift giving. I bet OP and her husband unless it’s one of their birthdays would be horrified if they got a gift for one and ignored the other

Oh dear.

But have you read the ‘issues’ OP has with her? Surely you don’t agree with her? Unless you are also a batshit MIL

Your children are grown up, you would be much happier if you developed a life of your own, and stopped expecting your son to meet your needs.
Its really intrusive for a parent to phone their adult, married child three times a week.

Sometimes your gut it just feelings you want because you can’t stand to stomach the other idea. Sometimes it is right.

Mine is at Uni and only 20 and can only really get home when she has holidays as she is too far away. Although she is too busy to contact me unless she wants to know how long to put a pie in the oven or if she can wash her jeans and jumper together😂

Well in this case the great crim the DIL
committed was daring to gasp thing she is included in the family when gift giving which is strange after 14 yrs being in the family she wouldn’t be. They are married and entity you include both or neither. And daring to instead of letting the phone go to VM speaking to her own mil so she isn’t in the dark about her son’s whereabouts and daring to say hi when her mil calls. Guess she should essentially disappear. The son talks to his mom 3 times a week which is a lot he’s hardly isolated lol

To be fair OPs only grievances are that her DS speaks to his own wife more than his mum (as he should) and doesn't want souvenirs. What should the DIL be challenged on? Silence in her own home lest MIL calls? Demand that she never appreciate a knick-knack?

Oh how did I miss that sentence! Hell no she is not entitled to anyone’s time grown son or not. He is a grown married man doesn’t he get a say in how often he talks to his mother and the amount of contact they have. Sometimes people’s schedules between their immediate family spouse and children and jobs don’t constitute a lot of free time. Or sometimes depending on someone’s personality they don’t prefer mundane phone conversations. He gets a say too

Perhaps you should have realised that MIL are always wrong on MN !!