AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

@Boreded

”It’s always the mothers of boys that are like this. Why do so many people have a hard time accepting that their sons have wives and girlfriends who are their family now, ”

so is Op no longer his family?? Yes she is his family. So he can treat OP with a bit of respect, she is his mother after all - he wouldn’t be here without her

I suppose the thing you have to ask yourself OP is whether you're only willing to have a relationship with him if it's on your terms, or if you're willing to meet him where he is.

You and he have different opinions on certain things. You think it's fine for you to only get him souvenirs and not her; he thinks that's rude. You think he should prioritise phone calls with you over greeting his wife when she gets home, he thinks he should prioritise her. You think it's rude when she answers his phone or joins in conversations, he doesn't mind.

Do you want to 'win', or do you want to have a relationship with him? Because if it's the latter, you need to accept that you don't see eye to eye on these matters but he's an adult and he's entitled to his own opinion on them. You're not going to convince him after 13 years that his wife is a nightmare who's ruining his life (and as this thread has hopefully shown you, her behaviour really doesn't seem problematic to most people).

Choose peace. Let these things go. Find practical solutions (call less frequently and at a pre-arranged time), split your souvenir budget between them (or just stop buying souvenirs! Do adults really want mugs and t-shirts from other people's holidays?!), let him know at the start of the call if you want to discuss something private). Look for the good in your DIL. You love your son and he loves her - there will be likeable things about her on which you can focus when you aren't fretting about these really rather minor issues.

OP. I think it’s a bit weird that you purposely want to exclude your daughter in law. They’re couple, a well established couple at that. You should buy for her along side your son. Tbh it’s weird that you don’t. Yes, she probably should t expect it, but you should offer it.

Dd2 has been with her boyfriend for 3 years. He’s treated like part of the family and included in almost everything. They’re not even a married couple just older teens. I’ve always been included by my inlaws and treated the same as DH by his parents and him by mine. We’re a couple who have been together over 20 years. My family are his family and his are mine. could it be that you DS is sick of you not treating your DIL like family despite them being together for years?

you do seem like quite hard work I’m afraid.

OP lives 13 hours away so can't babysit and has said nothing about money. All most people have said that if she's annoyed that he wants to speak to his wife when she comes home from work then maybe she should phone at a time when his wife isn't due home from work.

I came on here expecting to say the OP was being unreasonable in thinking, as a MiL, she would get a fair hearing for her concerns on Mumsnet because it seems MiLs rarely do. But having read many of the OP's responses I really don't think that's the case here. It sounds as if she resents and is jealous of the close relationship her DS has with his wife. We raise our sons and hope they find happiness and it sounds as if this son has. For goodness sake OP, back off and let them lead their life.

Absolutely too much! What are you thinking? I have a very close relationship with my children and their husbands, and get called whenever they want to ask after me, or give me news. I phone them if I need info or help, or for an occasional chat. I suppose really, we just phone when we want to or need to. It works for us. Also, of course, there’s WhatsApp. We use that a lot.

Hmm I’m trying to read the post that says because OP ceases to exist bc he is married and I must have overlooked that response. In fact quite the opposite has been mentioned throughout the thread as it seems based off of the majority of replies that a lot of husbands only talk to their mother on the phone once a week and in some cases even less than that once every couple/few weeks. They talk for 3x a week which is a lottt more than some people talk to their parents. I’m not saying that talking that amount is inherently wrong just that OP should be lucky bc talking multiple times a week and then she wants texting on top of that. It seems like her son doesn’t think she should cease to exist not at all. But yes it’s quite normal that when your spouse comes home from work after not seeing each other all day the courteous thing to do (unless it’s an emergency phone call which it doesn’t seem like these calls are) is instead of ignoring your wife when she walks in the door after I’m sure a long day of work is to politely wrap up the phone call and ask how her day was and discuss dinner plans/evenunf/basic stuff a family has to catch up on. I would think if say my best friend or parent had an issue with this they were off their rocker. In fact I would find it rude if they didn’t hang up with me when their spouse walked in the door. Also it’s incredibly rude to just acknowledge your son when you go away and not get something for his wife unless like other posters have said it’s a special occasion for him like his bday or promotion or grad or something. So trust me the mother son relationship didn’t cease to exist in the OP’s case in fact she is disrespecting his wife and acting like she should cease to exist if anything. Generally amongst close family if you ask if you want anything the you is plural it’s not meant in the literal sense of oh I just mean you but marriage is about unity and becoming one entity so of course after 14 years of being together the same assumption if you are the slightest bit inclusive is that it’s meant for husband and wife. It would be by default. to be like oh I would love this and hubby would love that and if my parents said they weren’t getting my husband anything I would find that very strange and exclusive!

Also funny how no one is talking about how OP is hugely annoyed that her son dares give any attention to his wife yet she keeps repeatedly calling him during the same time. So if this bugs her so much why does she continually call at the same time instead of calling hours before she knows his wife is due to be home or here’s a gasp genius idea ask her son how often he would like to talk and when the best time for the phone call to happen would be. Also some people just aren’t much for the phone talking and texting and unless they have a specific reason to talk/text they don’t bother. You can’t force someone to talk to you on the phone if they isn’t how they like to typically communicate. No one is owed anyone’s time.

Also your logic doesn’t make sense. How can you cease to exist but at the same time be asked to have a relationship with your GC by being asked to babysit. If you ceased to exist surely that would mean only the maternal grandmother would be asked to babysit. Jesus Christ! DILs just can’t win for losing. They include their MIL in being a part of their GC’s life by being asked to babysit they get accused of using their MIL for free babysitting but then they only ask their own mother to babysit well then suddenly MIL is crying saying she only asks HER mother to babysit doesn’t she realize my GC has two sets of grandparents her mother isn’t the only grandmother. Of course when you become a grandmother you are seen as grandmother. What’s so weird about that?

Also her son does treat OP with respect he talks to her 3x a week. How about OP treating her son’s marriage with respect not bellyaching that he gasps dares to be an attentive and loving husband to his wife after just getting home from working all day. Thats something she should be proud of as a mother raising her son to be a loyal and loving and caring husband that’s a good thing not a bad thing. Also how about treating her DIL with some respect by treating her like family and not ignoring her when it’s comes to gift giving.

Dont be obtuse. Pretty obvious to everyone she meant ..and married for 9 of them.

Good even better than! Bc if that’s the case she had plenty of time to accept her DIL as family and not cut her out when she travels and gets souvenirs. This is super weird if she had concerns to wait 14 yrs to bring this up and that their marriage dynamics aren’t second nature at this point she shouldn’t even blink an eye and after almost 2 decades surely DIL should be treated as one of her own. It’s absolutely wild and insane that she isn’t treated right alongside her husband.

How would you feel if your son was going away and asked only your husband what he would like and not ask you? Pretty put out I bet.

He’s told you it upsets him that you don’t include her in gifts yet you continue not to. Presumably not the only boundary you ignore because you think you are right. You don’t have a DIL issue, you have a DS issue (or more he has a DM issue, poor sod)

So your son is behaving out of character and without knowing any facts you blame his long term wife ? Do you and his wife get along ? You come across as nosy

I was not being obtuse……..it was not made clear by the OP ……..why pick on me for asking a relevant question?

I’m not surprised they moved 13 hours away.

Your son has already told you what his issue with you is. Perhaps if you weren’t so jealous of his wife, your relationship with him would improve.

Op, I agree with you, there's something up.
Only you know your son, like a mother does, and his demeanor has apparently changed when you call him & particularly when his wife & your DIL are around.

Answering his phone frequently, butting into your calls while you're chatting with your DS, speaking over your DS, & explicitly asking for gifts when you're travelling & not offering anything for her, etc are collectively indicators of controlling behaviour imho. If a SIL was written up here about this type of behaviour, the place would be lighting up red with messages of support like a bunch of traffic lights . Not so in this case, curious, well it's MN, so not really ;)

A few things here:

• do get your other son to sound him out fully & see how things are going for him
• This might take a couple of calls or better a cycle or visit to a pub, etc
• it may be something else e.g job, health issues, other family, whatever, so keep your mind open
• Reduce calls to twice a week say & explicitly ask him when is most convenient to chat with him alone e.g. getting him to call you when he's in the car or other convenient time alone is smart
• Avoid your DIL for a bit, she's getting on your nerves (& it may be mutual)
• I actually think the requesting the mug gift thing is a joke alright, but it may not be a shared joke at all. It could just be the DIL's joke & she uses it to tease him while he chats with you & to wind you up simultaneously, as you hadn't explicitly offered to get her anything.

Tbh, she sounds like a bit of a PITA , but he treats her like a precious princess (& she may be tbh) , but regardless the issue may be something else entirely.....

Finally, you're perfectly entitled to have a full & regular contact relationship with your son well into his adulthood & your dotage. I have with my mum & I wouldn't want it any other way. After all isn't that one of the reasons to have children in the first place?!

Hope it all works out OP & it's just the regular strains of life up with your son & nothing too serious. Good luck OP to you & your family!!

I’ve been with my partner 6 years when he gets home and I’m speaking with my mum , my mum asks me “ do you what to hang up so you can have time for each other “ , as any normal parent would , since they have been apart all day ! My parents also give the same or equivalent gifts to him as they do to me because once again that’s what normal parents in law do . You might hide it but quite badly , it’s obvious you don’t like her or have a good relationship with her so as a consequence he has toned down his relationship with you . He has been with her 14 years she is and should be the most important person in his life .

The OP stated two completely conflicting points. Not at all obvious which she meant.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP. I personally think 15 mins every other day is fine. I used to speak to my dad most days because we liked to check in with one another.

It's also rude of your DIL to ask for a gift when no one asked her (but also a bit off to bring your son a souvenir from your holiday but not even a token gift for your DIL).

In my culture, there is no such thing as having a "primary family". Parents are considered immediate family, even when their children get married, have their own children, etc.

I can't get on board with some elements of Western culture, it's quite sad.

I think if this was a DM reporting that her DD's partner was answering her phone for her and putting in present requests, the answers would be VERY different. I wouldn't dream of doing either of these. She sounds bloody rude OP.

Yeah, it was.

from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like your DIL is controlling at all! I think it sounds like the contact you initate is too much for him - how often do you call? and he can probably tell you have a bad conatation towards his wife! Rightly so, his wife is the most important person in his life. I would lay off calling him and let him call you or you run the risk of him completely distancing himself from you! Completely understand it’s hard as his mother but he has his own family unit now which he is rightly prioritising.

Well said, OP, you sound like a lovely mum. Thought- provoking post, I really feel for you

Not nessacerily, depends on how he views his upbringing and his relationship with you. I have no idea what his upbringing was like and how he feels about it and his relationship with you. But 100% not all mothers deserve time just because you have birthed someone does not give mothers a god given right to be in their children’s lives undoubtedly! There are are amazing mothers, mothers in the middle and down right awful mothers who don’t deserve a second of there time! Have you expressed how you feel to him and what you as his response?

This thread has been enlightening for me because, much as I hate to admit it, it has made me realise realise that I have been in a similar situation to op. All I can say op is that if you don’t back off you could end up losing your son. Accusing his wife of being controlling could make him
turn against you. Have you ever thought that when he asks you to buy something for his wife that he is giving you a gentle reminder that he is now a married man and that she is his priority?