AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

If this has happened several times, why are you still calling when the wife is due home from work? If the gift issue has happened several times, why are you still asking him what he wants? I don't agree with your issues tbh but you have a path of least resistance here - take it.

Also - I love my mum but I would not have time for 15 minute phone calls three times a week. What do you even find to talk about when you've already spoken at length the previous day/two days ago?? My advice is to make a family WhatsApp group and share updates that way.

OP I think you just need to talk to your son here. DIL from what I can tell isn’t doing anything wrong other than talking to her husband when she gets in, and asking for gifts from someone who’s been in her life for 14 years! My MIL often gets me bits and pieces when she sees them, she’d always pick up holiday souvenirs for both of us for sure. Do you actually like her OP? It comes across like you don’t but you’ve known her over a decade.

My DH lives in another country to his mum and he calls her really frequently but on his own time and not at home when we’re spending our brief time together outside of work and the kids. He calls her in the car on his commute home I’d say 3-4 times a week. We have a family WhatsApp chat with them too we regularly share photos on to keep them involved. Why don’t you chat to him and see if he can find ways to chat to you away from any distractions?

I just find this overblown. We disagree, No hard feelings 🙂

You sound very intense. I dont anseer the pgone to my parents half the time, doesnt mean I dont love them. How many times a day do you call? Once a week is probably normal.

His marriage is fine and you're being that weird MIL trying to make out she's controlling because he wants to talk to his wife when she gets home rather than you and she answers his phone sometimes. This is normal. He treats her well. That's good.

You're trying to put a wedge in their marriage because you're unhappy he's got a life and his wife is his priority. That's just how it is.

Be glad you raised a son who is living an independent adult life and is a good husband. That's success as a parent. Don't blow it by engaging in a contest with his wife you will not win.

OP, the only thing that may be jumping out of me is the frequency of your calls. Maybe it'd be better to schedule one call a week but for longer instead of three shorter ones? It sounds like he is really busy with work so he may find that easier?
I've friends who have one quality half hour call with their son on the days when he has been at the office and is waiting for his train home - it works well for them.

Absolute bonkers behaviour.
If I were your friend and you told me this, I would think you were batshit, and id tell you too.
Its very clear you are jealous of your DIL,no matter what way you spin it.
I guarantee you if you sat with me and told me that, id say you were jealous and you could deny it till you were blue in the face, but id know you are.
And if you didnt take it on board and kept on with this batshittery, Id tell you you deserve everything thats coming when they stop talking to you apart from the bare minimum if that. No sympathy.
Your role as his mother has greatly shifted whether you like it or not. You now take a backseat to his wife, as you should.
And tbh if my son or daughter DIDNT put his wife or husband first, id think i did a shit job of rearing them. They are on loan to you, not yours forever.
Being in their lives when they are adults and parents is SUCH a privilege, not a right. And you have this completely arseways.
Why on earth do you think you are a priority? I cant get my head around it at all.

Sounds like you keep him gabbing on the phone and the moment his wife comes in he uses that as an excuse to finally end the conversation “sorry mum, must go talk to W she has just walked in”. We all do it. You need to accept his primary relationship is with her not you, and he is not his brother. He doesn’t want as close a relationship as his brother has with you or as close a relationship as you want. And none of that is to do with his wife. Some self awareness and self honesty would lead you to a happier place.

My other 2 sons are close to me my middle son calling me everyday without me initiating it so obviously I wasn’t a bad of neglectful mum by any stretch.

My brother calls my mum every day too, and they are very close. His experience of her parenting is completely different to mine, and we are not close at all.

Im v close to all my dds, one rings me every morning on her dog walk, one sends me tiktoks and the other rings when she needs something lol.
They all know im here if they need me, and if i want to call, i ask if they are free for a chat. if they say no, i say grand all ok no worries love you.
and they ring if/when they can.
They are living there lives as I reared them too.
I may need another coffee cos this has baffled me entirely this has.

This. But also I hate the 'expectedness' of calls. I call my mum (and vice versa) when I have something to say. I couldn't cope with being expected to produce thirty minutes of conversation at a certain time every week.

Just let it be organic OP, if you're so close there won't be any issue with having contact as and when needed.

I can understand why you’re feeling hurt but you’re refusing to listen to anyone else telling you that maybe you’re being a bit out of order at times.
Of course you want to be in contact regularly with your son but I don’t think you’re always helping yourself here.
He clearly doesn’t welcome the 3 x 15 minute calls, otherwise he’d be more engaging. As hurtful as that is, that’s how he’s feeling.
Do you have a family WhatsApp group that you can all chat in? That might be a bit less intense for him. Do you FaceTime? A weekly/monthly FaceTime with maybe the odd text/WhatsApp message here and there is plenty!

I think you’re out of order with the gift situation. How often are you buying him gifts? Presumably, you’re then having to post them to him? That’s a bit odd if it’s a regular thing and I’d be pretty pissed off if you didn’t either buy a joint gift, or something for the partner too. They’ve been together for FOURTEEN years - not 14 months!

Also, I get it’s incredibly irritating when someone is constantly butting in on the other end of the phone because my dad’s partner used to do this too and it drove me crazy but wrt her answering his phone, maybe she’s being kind? Maybe she doesn’t want your call to go unanswered? Maybe your son is saying, ‘Fuck me, it’s my mother yet again. I can’t be arsed with her drivel today.’ And his wife feeling bad for you?

At the end of the day, it doesn’t sound as if he’s being controlled by his wife (obviously don’t know that for sure) but that his wife is now his priority and they want to spend quality time together as they work different shifts.

Just out of interest, what do you generally talk about for 15 minutes x 3 a week? If it’s just boring small talk then that’s probably why he’s feeling it’s too much. Just imagine seeing your wife come through the front door and wanting to greet her and you’ve got someone on the phone wittering on about Marge across the road who was late putting her bins out this week.

I think you need to start looking at the bigger picture here unless of course this is all made up just to get a reaction from people

Yep

What do you talk to him about while on the phone?

The reason I ask is because anytime I get a phone call from my mother, I sigh and brace myself. I don’t always answer it. She really, really drags me down. She calls with pretend reasons to need help, or to moan or complain and she is critical of nearly everything I say and do. We aren’t close. I live nearby and I try and see her as often as I can but honestly, she’s bloody hard work.

I am single, I am not being controlled by anyone else.

You sound very needy to me, why don’t you cool it a bit and wait for him to call you when it’s convenient to him? And why are you buying him bloody presents all the time? This is another thing my mom does… it’s an excuse for me to go over there.

I hope to Christ I’m not like this when my son is an adult

My MIL gives lavish gifts to my husband and children, but token ones to me (and only on bdays / Christmas). Literally she will give my DH £500, my sons £300 each and me £50. It has always made me feel ‘lesser’ in a kind of ‘know your place’ way.

My parents, on the other hand, don’t give lavish gifts. They spend £50 on each of my siblings, our partners and our children. Their gifts aren’t fancy but they’re thoughtful and designed to make everyone feel included in the family unit.

Nothing you’ve outlined sounds like it’s coming from your DIL, but I guarantee that both her and your son have picked up on you ‘othering’ her and it’s stoked resentment.

Its because its HIS choice NOT to speak to you.
You're absolutely unhinged.

I was feeling like I got how you felt a bit, I have 2 adult sons, but then this post....

She's his wife, she should be the centre of his universe. Do they have dc's?

Once they have a serious long term partner, it's different. They should put them first.

Gosh, you are so out of order and lacking in self awareness.

Yes, to buy your ds souvenirs and birthday gifts or whatever and not your dil is weird, rude and petty. She's probably not even arsed about receiving a crappy mug but is making a point that you are rude for buying only him. I can't imagine ever going on holiday and buying my ds a gift and not his dw.

Expecting to speak to your ds for 15 minutes every other day on the phone is waaaaaay too much and very overbearing. What on earth do you even have to talk about? He's probably using his wife coming home as an excuse to get off the phone as he doesn't want to be honest and say "mum, this is too much - please stop calling me so often".

I also wonder if why he moved so far away was to cut the cord so to speak.

Its quite obvious to everyone else reading this that you are needy and overbearing and your ds is trying to distance himself as you are not as much of a priority to him as he is to you.

I HATE speaking on the phone and send texts and WhatsApps to my dc's - we only speak on the phone around once a week/fortnight and never for 15 minutes!

Its you. You are the problem. Whether you want to accept that is up to you but if you continue like this you'll push him further away. And blaming his dw is just deluded and comes it across as you are very resentful and jealous of her.

I suspect it’s more likely to be the case that he’s using her as a convenient excuse to get off the phone and/or shoving the phone at her with her ‘tell her I’m busy’.

I’d quickly get irritated with that calling schedule, and I’m a woman. My not engaging with that would not be my husband’s fault.

I do agree with this. Of course my parents were a huge priority in my life always, as is my brother . My parents are not alive now but my Mil is, and even though she and I have a tricky relationship I like that DH makes an effort to see her . He often has lunch with her just the two of them, and that’s a nice thing not a bad thing.. she’s his Mum !
I don’t understand this idea that your family is just you, your spouse and your children. Surely your family is also your parents and siblings ? I miss my Mum every day, your parents are still important however old you are.

This!

Your son is often home alone because he and his wife work opposite shifts. If he wanted a private, long, uninterrupted phone call with you then he would call when he knows his wife is at work for the next hour/s.

I don't speak to my parents every two days and I'm a woman. In all honesty my calls are outvof duty because they're elderly and my husband occasionally reminds me to call them rather than stops me... I exchange messages with my daughter pretty much every day, but sometimes only to say good morning - I rarely call her (though she's very young and comes back to ours for at least one night or weekend most weeks, partly because her boyfriend and best friend live nearer us than her - she moved an hour away to cut her long commute to work down).

A 15 minute call every tvery two days is a lot of phone contact for most people these days, because if it's just to say "I love you, I haven't forgotten about you, I'm here if you need me" or indeed "do you want anything from the shop/ shall I bring you back a souvenir t-shirt/ magnet or mug from my holiday?" (which by the way is also weird to me - those are things you just give as a surprise and that most people don't actually want unless they have their own attachment to the place visited) most people send a message.

She is on his list of priorities, just not first

Newsflash: your son is an adult and now has his own life. Perhaps take up a hobby and respect his and his wife's boundaries?

@MyCyanShaker why are you so against getting her a gift from a trip? My parents always buy my DH something and my in-laws always bring me something as well, it’s just being a family surely? When my MiL visits she will bring something treats for the kids, something chocolates for me and sometimes she will remember to get something DH likes 🤣. I get on with her and have her visit me and the kids when DH isn’t here, organise her birthday and Mother’s Day presents, remind DH to invite her over, have her here Christmas Day etc because she treats me kindly, I wouldn’t if she didn’t.

Me and DH both often chime in on each others phone calls to our parents, and answer each others phone if parents or siblings call and we’re in a different room or driving, I’d also answer my parents calls (from family) as well and my mom has answered if DH calls me and I’m not in the room, stops you missing the call and then just hand it off to the other person. That’s all just normal, we’re all family, everyone answered any calls before mobile phones!

You seem really keen to see her as ‘other’ and not part of your family. Whereas your son clearly doesn’t see it that way, if you want to stay close to him you’re going to need to adapt you’re thinking. He’s clearly pushing you away because he can obviously tell you don’t accept her and he doesn’t like how you treat her.

Honestly, you're calling too often.
My mil could write the same about me (apart from the gifts), but the truth is my other half just isn't interested in speaking to her anywhere near as much as she calls him. This means he often doesn't answer and when he does he is quite short and doesn't tend to stay on the phone for long. If she tries to arrange meetings he will say he needs to check with me, not because I'm controlling but because he just doesn't want to say yes and it's an easy excuse to make.
She would phone all the time and meet really regularly if it was up to her but we live far away and have a lot going on so it's not practical.
Your son has his own life, let him live it.