AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

You've posted about this before, you're being ridiculous, just as you were told on your last thread. Get your own life and stop blaming your DiL for your adult son not still being attached to the umbilical cord.

You need to massively dial back your behaviour.

I hear your frustrations. The thing to keep in mind here is that you cannot change the behaviour of either your son or DIL. You can only change your outlook and behaviour. Regarding the gifts, either stop buying gifts or (the better option in my opinion) jsut syart including her. It would make our son happy. Presumably you want to make him happy. Show that you have taken on board some feedback he has given you about them being a unit. Offering up a mug is a very small pr8ce to pay for a better relationship with your son, surely?

Answering his phone...I think you have to let this one go. I answer my husbands phone when it is his mother, and he is busy because honestly, it feels rude to ignore her. Surely a quick 'Hey, your son is just in the shower. I'll let him know you called is preferable to a call ringing out?' Additionally, have you considered that sometimes he gets her to pick up because he isn't in the mood to chat to you?

I know it feels painful to ahve a change in dynamics but your only choice is to change how you are. This may or many not inspire a change in them, you have to accept that.

With regards to the actual phone calls, perhaps it is worth considering how they go. You say he often gets annoyed and doesn't seem to engage. Are they a bit formulaic and dull? This might make them feel like a chore to him. Can mix up how they go? Maybe fewer mundane questions and more sharing if interesting stuff in your life?

Perhaps reduce the frequency and make the effort to make them a more enjoyable experience?

Brilliant advice 👏

I think you've got the phone thing wrong. I'll often ring my mum if I'm alone but if my husband came home I would normally end the call. It wouldn't be because he was controlling me, it would be because wanted to catch up with him and my mother is easy going enough that she understands that I call her at quiet moments in my busy life.
Obviously, if the call was about something important I wouldn't drop it. It means I call my mum very regularly as it isn't a social commitment to have a long conversation.

It's just a proverb, not a piece of social research 😂

You are selectively only answering the posters who agree with you. 82% of people who voted say you are being unreasonable.

You are completely ignoring the fact that your son is upset by the way you treat his wife. You are deliberately behaving in a way to exclude your DIL (not buying her a cheap souvenir from your holiday or even a joint household gift but pointedly buying your son an expensive gift meant only for him) and your son has told you that he doesn't like this but you continue to behave like this.

Surely you aren't stupid enough to think that your behaviour will lead to a better and closer relationship with your son? You are driving him away and it's obvious that he is really unhappy with the way you treat his wife. Carry on, keep responding to the posters that agree with you and nothing will change. In fact, you may end up completely estranged from your son and it will be your own fault.

The mother isn’t a priority after marriage. Your entitlement is overbearing. Try having some respect for his wife the person HE choose to marry. Rather than she is keeping him from you.

if you were asking the same thing about a daughter ( you wouid still be told to mind your own business)

if you open this can of worms you will lose your relationship with dil. Probably your son also as he will want to protect his wife.

I think you dislike how you are not close and looking to blame! Enjoy time with your husband now your kids are grown.

You say your son has always been independent, which suggests he's no pushover. If that's the case, can you really not see that it's HIM who is allowing his wife to butt in and pick up his phone? He's using her to minimise the amount of time he has to speak to you. I know because that's what my DP does to his mum. He loves her dearly but hates talking to her on the phone. She just witters on and on and he finds it irritating. So he chucks the phone at me to answer when she rings or says 'Oh, SuperTrooper's just walked in, I have to go' even if I've been sat on the sofa beside him for the past half hour. So chances are you don't have a DIL problem, you have a DS one.

By all means send your younger DS in as a flying monkey to talk to him, but brace yourself for a response in the form of a personality critique that you might just not want to hear.

Have a gentle word with your younger son.
It could be your husband’s choice - a lot of men see their birth family as placeholders till they marry at which point friends and family are cast aside (till they divorce and want to reconnect.)

But equally she could be a controlling wife.

Just be careful not to react in a manner that alienates your son.

Jeezo your sound insufferable and very bitter that your son has a life away from you.

I will answer my DH's phone if his Mum calls if he's away from his phone and then hand it over to him after a brief conversation with DMil. I also text her and her me every few days independant of my DH.

I'm not controlling or intrusive in any way, shape or form.

Likewise he will answer my phone and have a brief conversation before handing to me if he's closer to it than I am.

He also isn't controlling or intrusive.

Perhaps you are calling when he's just woken up if he works night shift or is this something that hasn't crossed your selfish mind.

Why can't you get souveniers that would suit them both? That's what I do for my DC's and their DH's and DW's.

Of course parents are very important to everyone but 3 times a week is a bit much.

Like a PP said set up a family whats app and you can all check in on each other and maybe cut the calls down to once a week. You might find that he will be more chatty this way

I am a man. I am here to look at parenting advice, but occasionally something like this sucks me in.

My Mum lives a 3 hour flight away. I check in with her by message maybe twice a week. It’s mostly me sharing photographs of her grandchild.

She calls rarely, especially out of the blue. We might do a video call with the baby, my wife, her and my Dad once a month. She is just as interested in how my wife is getting on.

When my wife was pregnant, my Mum checked in with her daily. They still exchange messages more often than I text my Mum.

When she visits us or we visit her, we spend some time together as a group, my Mum and wife go out for wine, I spend little time one-on-one with my Mum.

I love my Mum, she’s great. She is interested in what is happening in our lives. I clue her in on it. She respects normal boundaries and we’ve never had to have a discussion about it. She has taken time (before moving 3 hours away) to build a friendship with my wife and I think she cares about her just as much as she cares about me. I know my wife loves her MIL.

If suddenly she became extremely needy, tried to place herself above the relationship I committed to with my wife and got a cob on because she wasn’t the first person I wanted to speak to when I got home from work, we would be having words.

Her relationship with my wife is strong because she went out of her way to build that relationship. I am very pleased and grateful for that.

My in-laws, by contrast, couldn’t tell you what I did for work but demand their daughter’s attention. She and I resent them for the fact that they’ve done little to build a relationship with me (or my wife for that matter) but are increasingly needy of our time.

Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around.

And? I really don’t see what the problem with this is.

Misogyny refers to the hatred and hostility of women, so I'm not quite seeing how an old proverb that references the notions that the, generally, fickle nature of boys to their mothers upon marriage contrasts sharply with the, generally, enduring loyalty of their daughters - meets that definition. It rather seems the opposite to me, but I may just be thick. 😁

No, I know, its my own comment that I added in response to yours, as you prompted me to reflect on what it would look like if it were a father/daughter rather than a mother/son.

Clearly @MyCyanShaker , you just want people to agree with your point of view.
Most people here think YOU are the issue but ok ……“ your DIL is the devil incarnate and you are completely right”

Better now?🙄

And how is this her fault? You sound overbearing, I'm not surprised he's trying to put more distance between you.

OP, I say this gently, but many of your posts are about what ‘should’ — or shouldn’t — happen (a mother should always be a priority in her DC’s life; a mother should be able to buy her DS a gift without buying her DIL one; a DIL shouldn’t answer her DH’s phone…) — but perhaps your son has a different idea to you of what marriage looks like… Can you perhaps try stepping back from how you think things ought to be, and asking your son what he wants?
You might be right, and she might be controlling — but equally, you sound quite rigid in your thinking.

edited to correct grammar!

I'm separated now, but when I was married, I was FOREVER trying to encourage my husband to spend more time with his parents, particularly his mum, reminding him she was a human with feelings. I did all the gift buying, card sending, arranging days out/visits etc. I imagine that she very much felt she couldn't have a relationship with her son without it including me. The truth is, if I wasn't involved she would never have seen him.

When we separated (due to his affair) she took his 'side' and I haven't seen her for five years...until a couple of weeks ago when she sent a message via my sister in law to say she never sees the children as he never takes them round or visits....funny that!

It is a proverb rooted in misogynist bollocks. Its rooted in the assumption that women have to be the mediators and managers of relationships in the family whist men get a free pass.

I note you accept its disproved by your own posts.

Yep …. And nothing will change - take some responsibility op … you will loose him

And the award for worst mother in law of the year goes to....

Op is exuding belligerence.
”I don’t care what anyone else thinks, and I’m not going to listen to anyone else’s opinions. I’m maintaining my position “
She’s very Benjamin Netanyahu

I was also the one encouraging my dh to rung/ see his mum - he never wanted to …,
before we met … and before mobiles … his mum would ring him and TALK at him …, so he’d put the phone on the windowsill and go off and do something .. come back half an hour later … and not only was she still talking , she had not noticed he’d been gone.
Self deluded and full of her own importance - ring any bells
Her own sisters stopped asking her on holidays due to her behaviour ….

The thing about phones is that they can make outgoing calls as well as accepting incoming calls. If your son wanted to speak to you more frequently he’d ring you.

Most spot-on comment on entire thread.