Page 14 | AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

MyCyanShaker · 2025-06-13T04:57:49+00:00

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him. My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him. They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support. I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

AncoraAmarena · 13/06/2025 09:31

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 06:59

Yeah they do work opposite schedules so they don’t see each other much but still to immediately hang up as soon as she walks in the door like jeez thanks it’s just your mom you’re talking to. Also she chimes into our conversations without me being aware she is there imagine a SIL doing this if it was a mother and daughter on the phone it would be seen for what it is not respecting their privacy or their relationship. My son compared to my two other sons has always been independent like I said before but this is now going from independent to slowly distancing himself. It’s like his wife is his only world. And what she says goes. I hate when I offer my son a souvenir from my travels and then he says yes a shirt size large would be nice and Mandy would like a gray mug please. Like I didn’t ask what Mandy wants I asked what you want and then he says mom we are a married unit and she is your DIL you can’t get her a $10-15 mug? Asking me for something implies that includes my wife as well as we are a unit you don’t buy for one and not the other that’s rude unless it’s my bday or something like that. She is your DIL

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The problem here is you. 15 minutes every two days and you don't expect to hear your DIL chime in at all. Buying presents only for him. You should be asking 'is there anything either of you would like?', not excluding her.

Give them some space and treat them equally. They are a package now. And yes, I would say this if it was a daughter and not a son. You just don't want to accept what most posters are telling you.

Justsomethoughts23 · 13/06/2025 09:32

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 06:55

Yes I feel like if this was a daughter rather than a son we would get more of yes her husband is important and family to him but that doesn’t mean her mother should get tossed aside her husband shouldn’t be sensing of all her free time and respect the bond she has with her mother it’s her mother!

I understand that they don’t see much of each other during the week due to their opposite work schedules but I call him every 2 days and asking for 15 minutes or so of his time as his mother the woman who raised him shouldn’t be much and I’m sorry but when someone’s on the phone regardless of who it is you don’t just start talking to the person as they are on the phone and I don’t like my DIL answering his phone from time to time as if she owns him and then when I ask my son what he wants from say a gift shop when I’m traveling then I hear my DIL chime in and say a mug for me would be nice when I didn’t when realize she as there or my son mention something she wants on her behalf it’s like overstepping when I only offered to my son. I should be able to maintain an individual relationship to my son. He often seems agitated and annoyed when I ask simple mundane questions. He used to not be that way I’m sorry but I know my son and this isn’t a normal way to treat your mother and it’s highly concerning to me. And I want to help but I don’t know how to help. Yes being married means your wife comes first but at the expense of your other relationships?

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Aaaaand the crazy has been fully unleashed 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
You are SO LUCKY that they still talk to you at all.

Shuttupmeg · 13/06/2025 09:32

Edenmum2 · 13/06/2025 09:17

If my DH isn’t around and his mum was calling I would always answer it. Not sure this makes me controlling.

I do too. You never know if it’s important for a start, and it’s just polite to do so.

Original poster

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 09:32

Pushmepullu · 13/06/2025 08:50

I agree with you but this is mumsnet and the woman’s mum is great and the mil is the devil personified.

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Right! There is this underlying double sensed that a man is always expected to put his wife above his mother and if he devotes some time to his mother it’s seen as being disloyal or putting her above his wife much different to a mother daughter relationship. The answering of my son’s phone I find intrusive and also the expectation of asking for a gift because I buy my son one. I think it’s crazy that some posters in here event went as far to say they would be upset that their MIL bought their own son a gift and not them. This is her son she is allowed to maintain and treat him like an individual separate from his wife from time to time. The entitlement is real sometimes

OP posts:

LacashireButterPie · 13/06/2025 09:33

Hi OP , I also have adult DC.
I don't give any thought at all as to how often I ring or see them. We just sort of all muddle along.
DH is retired, he has a tendency to ring the kids rather than using What's app (which I and they prefer....a pic tells a thousand words and all that). I have to rein him in sometimes as I can tell it annoys them.
I've worked out it's because DH is recently retired and bored but he doesn't seem to understand that the kids, who have busy professional lives and social networks, won't really want to talk about what birds he saw in the garden today.

Honestly love, you will only eat yourself up if you carry on dwelling on this. Shift your focus to enriching your own life through hobbies and building your own network of friends. Make your life so busy and fascinating that they can't wait to hear what you've been up to 😁.

Buy them both a gift though, it's rude not to. I split the £100 I would have spent on a DC and spend £50 on each of them instead.

Justsomethoughts23 · 13/06/2025 09:34

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 06:59

Yeah they do work opposite schedules so they don’t see each other much but still to immediately hang up as soon as she walks in the door like jeez thanks it’s just your mom you’re talking to. Also she chimes into our conversations without me being aware she is there imagine a SIL doing this if it was a mother and daughter on the phone it would be seen for what it is not respecting their privacy or their relationship. My son compared to my two other sons has always been independent like I said before but this is now going from independent to slowly distancing himself. It’s like his wife is his only world. And what she says goes. I hate when I offer my son a souvenir from my travels and then he says yes a shirt size large would be nice and Mandy would like a gray mug please. Like I didn’t ask what Mandy wants I asked what you want and then he says mom we are a married unit and she is your DIL you can’t get her a $10-15 mug? Asking me for something implies that includes my wife as well as we are a unit you don’t buy for one and not the other that’s rude unless it’s my bday or something like that. She is your DIL

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This is absolutely batshit and I can almost guarantee that your adult son doesn’t want a souvenir tshirt from a trip he did not take, and is simply trying to appease you.

Shuttupmeg · 13/06/2025 09:34

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 09:32

Right! There is this underlying double sensed that a man is always expected to put his wife above his mother and if he devotes some time to his mother it’s seen as being disloyal or putting her above his wife much different to a mother daughter relationship. The answering of my son’s phone I find intrusive and also the expectation of asking for a gift because I buy my son one. I think it’s crazy that some posters in here event went as far to say they would be upset that their MIL bought their own son a gift and not them. This is her son she is allowed to maintain and treat him like an individual separate from his wife from time to time. The entitlement is real sometimes

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Have you ever considered he doesn’t want to answer the phone to you and she is doing it as she thinks he’s going to cause trouble with you if they don’t answer?

Do you only have sons?

Many people have pointed out to you that relationships with sons and daughters just are very different sometimes.

Original poster

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 09:35

LoveItaly · 13/06/2025 08:55

I know of a couple of relationships like this, in one of them the new wife began her task of alienating the son from his family the day after the wedding, it was quite shocking. The relationship between son and family has still not fully recovered years later.

I’m not sure what the OP can do about it, and trying to get reasonable advice on this forum as a MIL is usually a waste of time. Answers would be very different if it were a daughter the OP was worried about.

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Exactly. I mean as soon as his wife comes home she starts talking to him immediately disregarding that it’s rude to interrupt someone on the phone. Answering his phone calls which are for him not her being they are happening on his phone. And chiming into the phone call without warning she is when listening. And then asking for gifts. And I’m shocked the number ofnpeoters on her who said they would he horrified if their mil bought their own son a gift and not them. That’s their son of course it’s acceptable to buy him an individual gift from time to time. Her DIL isn’t her child. Since when does being married mean a mother can’t view her own son as her own son and drop the relationship she has with him

OP posts:

Coolcalmmoments · 13/06/2025 09:36

Coolcalmmoments · 13/06/2025 09:17

Three points here. Number one, if I'm on the phone to my son & his wife has arrived home after work I immediately say that's........ home I'll go off now & catch-up soon. Regarding gifts, I have no issue with my dil suggesting gifts either of them might like & my son can also suggest gifts for either of them so no problem. Number 3. I do treat my dil like my own daughter. Of course she has her own parents who she would understandably turn to first but equally she knows I am there for her & my son if & when required. If I see she has something bothering her I ask what's wrong & she will confide in me. I have a very close & loving relationship with my son although I accept my dil takes priority now. This doesn't mean he loves me less.

I realise my story isn't the same with every mil/ dil relationship. I wanted to share the fact it doesn't have to be a negative experience if both the mil & the dil are willing to accept each other's importance within the life of a man they both love.

Edited

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OP,It's obvious you feel strongly about this. May I respectfully ask what you feel about how I go about my relationship with my son & dil.

Shuttupmeg · 13/06/2025 09:36

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 09:35

Exactly. I mean as soon as his wife comes home she starts talking to him immediately disregarding that it’s rude to interrupt someone on the phone. Answering his phone calls which are for him not her being they are happening on his phone. And chiming into the phone call without warning she is when listening. And then asking for gifts. And I’m shocked the number ofnpeoters on her who said they would he horrified if their mil bought their own son a gift and not them. That’s their son of course it’s acceptable to buy him an individual gift from time to time. Her DIL isn’t her child. Since when does being married mean a mother can’t view her own son as her own son and drop the relationship she has with him

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Can you discuss with him the best time to call? If this is constantly happening then you are calling at an inconvenient time.

Justsomethoughts23 · 13/06/2025 09:37

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 09:32

Right! There is this underlying double sensed that a man is always expected to put his wife above his mother and if he devotes some time to his mother it’s seen as being disloyal or putting her above his wife much different to a mother daughter relationship. The answering of my son’s phone I find intrusive and also the expectation of asking for a gift because I buy my son one. I think it’s crazy that some posters in here event went as far to say they would be upset that their MIL bought their own son a gift and not them. This is her son she is allowed to maintain and treat him like an individual separate from his wife from time to time. The entitlement is real sometimes

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The irony of you saying “the entitlement is real” 😂

luckylavender · 13/06/2025 09:37

You’re getting a lot of stick here OP but if there’s a noticeable change that I think you are right to be concerned. How is your relationship with your Dil? Is him working nights new, because that would be a different dynamic for the relationship?

C8H10N4O2 · 13/06/2025 09:38

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 09:32

Right! There is this underlying double sensed that a man is always expected to put his wife above his mother and if he devotes some time to his mother it’s seen as being disloyal or putting her above his wife much different to a mother daughter relationship. The answering of my son’s phone I find intrusive and also the expectation of asking for a gift because I buy my son one. I think it’s crazy that some posters in here event went as far to say they would be upset that their MIL bought their own son a gift and not them. This is her son she is allowed to maintain and treat him like an individual separate from his wife from time to time. The entitlement is real sometimes

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Sorry this is nuts.

There is literally nothing in any of your posts which says “controlling”, just normal behaviour.

Answering each other’s personal phones, especially when its someone important is mannerly not intrusive.

Expecting your adult working DC to ignore their spouse to continue a personal call at the end of the working day is rude and intrusive.

Your DS is assuming that when offering to bring a souvenir from a trip the offer is to them, not just him, because that is what most parents would do.

You can try to contort it into evil controlling DCiL but there is absolutely nothing in any of your posts which supports that position and rather a lot to make me profoundly grateful that neither my iLs or parents behaved like this.

Toilichte · 13/06/2025 09:38

🚨
I don’t think we need the laughing emoji back. But I would like a MIL from hell warning light one

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/06/2025 09:39

Justsomethoughts23 · 13/06/2025 09:37

The irony of you saying “the entitlement is real” 😂

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Op thought she had the golden vagina forever more because she birthed him. 😬

survivalinsufficient · 13/06/2025 09:39

Do you think the present issue has become a joke to them? Like, you never buy her anything and it’s such a rude thing to do that it’s now a sort of in-joke, hence the asking for things? If she hears your husband saying “a T-shirt” on the phone and she’s shouting “tell your mum I’d like a mug please!” I can see that being an in joke between them that they laugh about because they consider your behaviour strange and laughable. Sort of making a point. After 14 years (!!!!) I can see this being the case.

AncoraAmarena · 13/06/2025 09:43

That's right @MyCyanShaker , you carry on just replying to the (very) few people who are agreeing with you.

I think the PP who said about it turning into an in-joke between them might be on to something. I would love to see you DIL's version of this post. 😂

C8H10N4O2 · 13/06/2025 09:43

@MyCyanShaker chiming into the phone call without warning she is when listening

if you have an issue with your DS using speakerphone, that is an issue to for you take up with him, not DiL. She can’t help hearing if she comes in and he has put it on speakerphone.

I put people on speakerphone when the call is not particularly convenient but I don’t wish to ignore them. Just ask him when its convenient to call at a time which doesn’t interrupt their limited joint free time.

AutumnArrow · 13/06/2025 09:43

MyCyanShaker · 13/06/2025 06:13

There’s independent than there is not even giving your mum 5 minutes of your time. Being married shouldn’t mean I’m treated like just a friend or acquaintance. Married or not a mother should always be a priority in your life.

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😂 no wonder he's feeling suffocated by you, I wouldn't be surprised if he's asked his wife to help him get off the phone by creating an excuse so you're less likely to sulk.
Stop trying to control him, what on earth are you expecting him to talk about for ages each day? He's clearly not wanting to so why force it?

CoralOP · 13/06/2025 09:46

Wow she really is blocking out the pages of advice and only answering the tiny few people that kind of agree with her....

Coolcalmmoments · 13/06/2025 09:47

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/06/2025 09:39

Op thought she had the golden vagina forever more because she birthed him. 😬

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My post a few above this one describes my thoughts. Having read this post I will now add most women would give their life for their child regardless of whether they are sons,daughters,children or adults. A post like this one isn't called for.

Cantbelieveit888 · 13/06/2025 09:47

It sounds like you don’t like your DIL very much.

I have 2 sons myself and I think if I want to get on the good side of my son, I would try to get on the good side of my daughter in law. Being a daughter in law, I know how it feels on the other side. When my MIL is nice to me, I’m automatically nice to her.

By all means buy your son a gift from your travels but STOP bloody asking him what he wants. Just buy the damn gift and get 2. Think about how your daughter in law would feel…. As if she’s not part of the family. She is… she’s his bloody wife. And he’s already told you that she feels hurt when you don’t get her anything ….. so just bloody listen to him and do it. Not only will your DIL be happy but your own son will be too and your relationship with him will be stronger because you are being kind to his main priority.. his bloody wife.

Get with the programme or forever have a difficult relationship with your son and his wife.

The cost for pieces of travel tat isn’t exactly expensive so just get two. FFS have some bloody emotional intelligence.

GiveMeWordGames · 13/06/2025 09:47

@MyCyanShaker you really need to get together with @ThisFastEagle You have SO much in common. 😉

Come on, this is so obviously the same person, or troll, or whatever.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/06/2025 09:49

Every 2 days you phone him ?

What on earth do you want to talk to him about - the weather ?!!!

That is far far far too much, I am not surprised he doesn't always answer his phone, and it is so kind of his wife that she bothers to do it !

Weekly is more than enough ! Fortnightly might be even better - you might actually have something to say to each other.

Your ADULT son does not need gifts from your travels ! and if you do need to buy gifts from your travels you should include his whole family, this is an ADULT man.

I can understand why they live 13 hours away, and I expect they won't ever be moving back.

Taytayslayslay · 13/06/2025 09:49

I blocked and cut my mum out of my life for acting this way (but being obsessive over my children and demanding a weekly schedule to visit). Let him contact you when he chooses and chill out. He's an adult and if he chooses low contact that's his choice. By pushing you're going to make it worse.