AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Let him call you and set the frequency, never just buy gifts for him - they are a unit now, maybe try and spend more time with her. I speak to my mil more than my DH does, she has never excluded me and leaves us be.

Your son or dil could easily be on here moaning about how his mother constantly phones, with nothing of note to say and clearly thinks her relationship with him is more important than theirs. They might also point out that she is constantly asking him what gift he wants, when he doesn't actually want anything since he's a grown man who can buy what he wants for himself, and it annoys him that his wife is never offered one solely because he senses mum dislikes her (not because she really wants anything).

OP try to see it from their side.

I think you are not realising that you are not your son’s first priority. Yes you will be important to him but his life is with his wife now and rightly so. I have two sons and wouldn’t dream of contacting them multiple times per week.
One of my sons is married and the other cohabiting with his partner. Of course you will have that bond with your own sons but we’ve always treated their partners equally as part of the family which they are.

I can’t relate to you at all op.

I treat my son’s gf totally as a member of the family. I respect their boundaries as a couple and have no expectations on their time.

As a result things are chill between all of us. We see them a lot. It’s very loving - lots of hugs and laughs. We communicate regularly (not 3 times a week - that would be weird and too much even for me!)

You’ve got to accept and embrace who your son chose op. You say he adores her so be thankful he’s happy. When you love someone, let them go.

Exactly! I get the feeling the OP just talks at her DS and that’s part of the reason he’s rushing to get off the phone.

I’m glad you see where I’m coming from and I appreciate your support although I must say it’s odd that it’s your BIL and your SIL and you make more of an effort with your BIL then your SIL despite they are both the same type of relation to you. I could see if it was say your brother’s wife because urn would be different it’s your sibling vs your sibling’s wife but in this case they are both equally your in laws.

My mum used to ring her own door bell to get off the phone when needed

Genius!

Love it! I have a friend who if you don’t text first answers the door with her coat or handbag in hand. Sorry I’m busy. She doesn’t do uninvited guests who just pop in without checking it’s convenient.

The mother/daughter relationship only typically looks different because society seems to think it should. There's no sensible or rational reason for that though, is there? Why should a man's 'priorities shift' on marriage in a different way from a woman's? People of both sexes should prioritise partner and the family they create over their family of origin. People of both sexes can still continue a relationship with their mother within that context. When a man marries, he doesn't swap out his mother for his wife, that's such an odd and inappropriate way to view two entirely different relationships, and very sad to be telling mothers of little boys that they will eventually lose their son to another woman. Its just pitting women against each other when theres room in a mans life for his spouse and his mum, just like in a married womans.

Wish we still had a laughing emoji 🤣

YWNBU to be worried about this generally however the examples you have given are a little pathetic. Why do you keep coming back to the gift thing? That’s nothing.

Does he come to family events? Invite you over? Do they participate in important family traditions?

If so, then she is not isolating him.

Thank god you’re not my mother or MiL, you sound as though you have to control everything! You say he works nights so of course when his wife gets in he wants to spend time with her! The fact you say your DIL isn’t your child speaks absolute volumes, clearly you’d rather she wasn’t part of his life. Get over yourself and let him lead his own life without having to know what he’s doing all the time. If you don’t you’ll have no relationship with him!

While I understand you care about your son, you do sound a little bit overbearing. My Husband calls his parents once a week, no more, he may send them pictures if we are out or doing work on the house. I can go for several weeks without speaking to my Mum. You need to understand as a Mum that he is an adult now and he has a wife, you are no longer the first woman in his life. I see it can be annoying if you are having a conversation with your son and she starts talking, that is just bad manners, I wouldn't do that, I would wait til he finished on the phone but I can't see a problem with her answering his phone, if he is not there or driving or temporarily indisposed e.g. on loo or in shower, I answer my husbands phone and no one minds. On the subject of gifts, unless it's my birthday or Christmas if my Mum asks to buy something she and I would naturally assume she was buying it for us, we are a pair and come as a package, there is very little in our house that is just his or mine, almost everything is ours. While she may not be your, child she is a part of your family now and its a problem that you don't see her as such, you should treat her like the daughter you never had, not the daughter you never wanted.

How about this. He loves you but he doesn't love your company. He's a different person than you and a fully grown adult. He answers the phone to you because he cares about your feelings, but when his wife comes home, the person he's chosen to spend his life with, he really would rather see her. Good! That's how it should be!

Yes, maybe, like you, she is also controlling, emotionally manipulative and demanding. However, there's no evidence in what you've said that she is. All the evidence is that you are expecting far too much and he is trying, as kindly as possible, to distance himself from you and make his own life.

If you were like this while he was growing up, maybe he's had some therapy to come to terms with his feelings about his relationship with you and is taking some action to maintain some healthy boundaries and to try to show you how he and his wife are a unit now and you need to accept her as part of him.

The issue is not that he isn't communicating with you, but that you are refusing to listen to him.

There's a real power struggle going on here and your son is stuck in the middle. It sounds like you're looking for something he's not prepared to give and, as a DIL on the receiving end of this, your son will be finding it really difficult to manage. My husband feels the same but, rather than say what he's actually feeling to his mum, he (rightly or wrongly) finds it easier to avoid conversation and visits which is honestly just a shame all round because it adds further strain and communication becomes a chore. If you eased off on the pressure and accepted your DIL and her relationship with your son, I'm sure everyone would get on far better and you'd feel closer to them both.

I have 3 girls and 3 boys. All married or in long term relationships. I don’t chase them down and demand their time! They are their own units, them and their children. I am loved and respected but not part of their immediate family unit.

To put it in perspective if (god forbid) my son or yours were to have an accident and be in hospital when they say next of kin only……. That’s not you or me. That’s his wife, regardless of whether you like it or not.

My MIL was amazing and taught me a great deal about being a good MIL myself. I maintain great relationships with all of them.

I also answer my DHs phone regularly, especially if he’s in another room or the garden. That’s fairly normal. I don’t think your DIL is doing anything unusual.

I don't think you have the full picture here hey. I don't have a problem with my sister in law, we are civil with each other. I respect her. When it comes to family events or outings, we work together, we do the planing together and check in with each other with regards to that. She loves my kids and the same thing with me. I'm explaining to you what kind of character she has and how their marriage dynamic is. We might not understand it but we have just accepted it. You will have to do the same unfortunately. Even though it doesn't sit right with you. My MIL found her overbearing as well at first. When my MIL would ask my BIL a question she would answer. That's just how she is

You wouldn't like me as a daughter! Once a month phone call and I last visited them before COVID. You reap what you sow.

My mother in law has always bought souvenirs from holiday for me since day 1 of dating her son. Literally before she’d even met me she sent down a little bowl from India for me along with her gift for her son. I actually think it’s incredibly weird to only buy one half of a couple a souvenir from holiday - either you buy for both or you buy something for the couple, like food they can share. That’s manners.

(tbh I wouldn’t ASK as the DIL as I think that’s also bad manners)

I am very close to my mum, but I would feel suffocated if she wanted to call on set days, 3 times a week. I would view her as a burden rather than a joy.

Some days I don't feel like talking to anyone, so knowing I had the call looming over me would be unbearable.

For this alone, YABU.

Scale back the calls, let him miss you. Match his energy rather than being so rigid.

And as PP said, if I got home from work and my DH stayed on the phone for ages I would be really upset. Especially since it is 3 days a week.
They don't sound like they get much time together and they are likely tired and busy.

OP, you sound like the MIL from hell when you say things like, “a mother should always be a priority in your life”, and “it seems like his wife is the center of his universe he treats her like gold practically worships the ground she walks on but that in the process I’m diminished to acquaintance status and as his mum it hurts”. How can I put this? He is a grown man. You loved and nurtured him, and now he has gone out into the world and forged a successful and happy relationship with his dear wife - so you, obviously, come second, and if your DIL is close to her own mother, all the more so. You write approvingly of your middle sone phoning you every day - do you know how unusual that is? Is he married, or is he a bit of a Mummy’s boy, because I can assure you that from a son, that is not the norm. As for presents, if I were getting my own child a little something on holiday, I’d automatically get a little something for my SIL or DIL. Sorry, Op, but I think you’re trying to be far too overbearing and controlling. Why don’t you take the initiative, and if you’re on the phone when DIL comes home, say, “Oh I’ll go because DIL has come in: I’ll speak to you some other time.” I’m sure your DS would appreciate it!

Sorry OP, he’s just not that into you.

I am relieved and thrilled that my DIL is the centre of DS's universe. One day I hope she will be the mother of my grandchildren and be even more important to DS l.

DS and I text a couple of times a week, DS and his father text a couple of times a week. We speak on the phone every couple of weeks. If DILs in the background she'll chip in. They get even presents for birthdays and Christmas but I don't usually buy multiple bits all the time. Sometimes I send DS a make of clothing on special offer, that I know he likes. I would imagine DILs mum does similar for her.

They are relocating to another Continent for DS's job in a couple of months. They have my full suppprt. I imagine you'd have an issue.

Just wondering…..
would this be the same answer, if the word son was replaced with daughter?