AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Your last sentence says it all. Back off.

OP I'm not someone who buys into the idea that married couples are automatically a single unit and that you create a new family just by virtue of getting married. I don't think couples should be joined at the hip or that you are forced to love a child's spouse equal to your child simply because they are married. I find a lot of these tropes about marriage very stifling.

BUT I do think you are the problem here. You seem to be incapable of allowing your son to make the transition to adult life. You use the word "independent" as if it was a character defect and you perceive there to be some sort of hierarchy of emotional relevance in your son's life with you at the top. It's good that he's independent and its up to him to choose the priorities in his life. You will always be his mother but you're not his boss.

You are (whether you realise it or not) constantly challenging him to prove his loyalty to you and positioning his wife as the competition.

No wonder he's trying to reinforce his loyalty to her.

As kindly as possible, you really need to learn to reframe the situation and to back off a bit. You're pushing both of them away at the moment.

It would do my head in if my Mum wanted to speak to me 3 times a week. I’m very independent and live 4hrs away from my parents. I speak to them as and when I need to. Sometimes that might be weeks and weeks between phone calls. I'm better at texting them though.

Having said that, my parents are also very independent and have their own lives and hobbies so they are pretty busy and wouldn’t want to have to comply with a schedule of ringing me either.

This all sounds suffocating to me. Your son probably doesn’t want or need that level of contact. Maybe leave it to him to ring you instead.

Just wondering… would the replies be the same if the word son was replaced with daughter? 🤷

Why wouldn't his wife want to talk to him if she's been out all day and just come in and maybe he would prefer to talk to her rather than you at that moment. If I heard his wife come in I would say oh that's DW, I'll go and let you get on, talk to you soon. Why shouldn't he ask you to pick up something his DW wants while you are getting something for him, they are a couple. And if they are in a good relationship why shouldn't she answer his phone if he's not there, if it's your number ringing it could be something important, family crisis or anything.

Yes my husband butts in my calls. No I don’t want regular must have calls. Yes I’d find it rude if she didn’t buy dh a gift day on holiday and just me. Yes I’ll also go oh Dh’s home gotta go bye.

Tbh having read your responses I think OP you just don’t like the wife very much.

I also answer DH’s phone if he is in the shower/toilet etc.

I also often end a conversation with my Mum quickly if DH arrives home from work (or I have call waiting).

I also am sometimes sat next to DH when he is on the phone to his mother and hear every word/offer help.

MiL gifts things to me not just DH.

All the things you have raised are normal stuff but there must be more to it.

My MiL will call me for help, I call her to let her know things. I am the mother of 2 of her grandchildren and she appreciates me for it and what I do for the children and DH.

As you age and need support a good well treated and appreciated DiL will step up and provide you with support and assistance regardless of distance. Even if it is just hearing she has ants int he kitchen and making treatment arrive from Amazon the next day, small gestures that only happen because I hear a conversation.

Same my Mil may spend more on him or buy a little more but she always buys me something and if she gets a magnet or something to hang on the wall it's ours, she buys magnets everywhere she goes and usually buys one for us too, she bought me a lovely parasol from Singapore and we have a boomerang on the wall she bought us in Australia.

It's apparent from the comments that everybody has different ideas about what frequency and length of phone calls is 'normal'. Surely the important thing here is that OP and her DS have different preferences about this? No need to blame DIL or to feel ostracized.

You are going to end up being cut off completely at this rate, @MyCyanShaker!

You ring far too often, resent his (rightly) considering his wife’s feelings, expect him to stay on the phone to you when he could be seeing her during their limited time together, ignore his request that you buy for both or not at all, and now you want to send in his little brother to interfere in his marriage?

I expect the conversation will be “Mum’s overbearing, interfering and is rude to my wife.” “Yeah, but that’s Mum, innit.”

You need to treat them equally well, for heaven’s sake. They are a unit. You don’t get to see him on his own anymore because he’s married. You aren’t that important anymore. You’re still his mum, but not a daily part of his life.

I love my adult sons with all my heart, but I don’t expect them to be on the phone three times a week, for God’s sake. Give the man some space.

My MIL treats me like a daughter. I have also been with my husband for 15 years and she would not dare to buy him a souvenir and not one for me too. My MIL is absolutely wonderful but I know I am more important to my husband than her, but that does not diminish how much he loves her.

Three times a week? That's probably why he's sounding agitated. It's a lot when you're busy. Even if it's short, it's an interruption. Once a week is plenty.

My MIL took to calling my DH at his work, which really annoyed him.

In the end it's on your son to stay in touch. Even if the DIL is influencing him, he's allowing it, so it's a choice he's making.

Yes.

No shit, Sherlock! 😂😂😂

Yes they would. If my mum was ringing three times a week at a time DH got in from work, I’d be hanging up on her too.

You are right that the dynamics would be different though. The OP is pissed off she isn’t the number one woman in her son’s life and is setting up a competition she can only ever lose.

Sorry OP its you…read all your posts and it’s definitely you🙄 and for the love of God do not send your other son to check on him! Its not like he is being abused and he is a grown man. if him and his wife hit the rough patch they will need to sort it out. Ask your son if he is alright bc he is short and agitated lately but dont stir the pot by sending your other child for crying out loud. That ridiculous

OPs son is communicating very clearly.
He’s agitated when she calls, has had words about her not treating his wife fairly, and he’s moved 13 hours away.

There’s none so blind as those who will not see.

Jealous of his wife, much!

OP why did you bother posting? You're only engaging to state why your perspective is correct. Did you just want to vent?

Your son's wife is not a rival to you. That's a perverted way of thinking.

Slightly different dynamic here, I'm the daughter of a father who acted just like you, even to the gift giving; he ignored my (first) husband, Christmas gifts would be something nice and thoughtful for me and an afterthought for my husband. This was very awkward for me, stuck in the middle; the last straw was when OH's gift was a cheap crappy little notebook that you'd pay 50p for from a cheap shop. At that point I went very LC and eventually, no contact at all. We were reunited quite literally, and briefly, at my father's deathbed; my own husband had died by that time and my father didn't get to meet my second one, I made sure of that. Don't be him, treat your DiL with some respect and listen to what your son is saying.

You seemed determined to create unnecessary drama with a narrative that your DIL is controlling. Your son has spoken to you about how he feels about you excluding his wife. You just don’t want to hear it. I hope that your younger son has more sense than to get involved.

I feel like, mum’s intuition isn’t being taken into account her, and everyone is thinking controlling.
I’ll just say it, poster is thinking ( from what I’ve taken) is that son is being controlled?
only poster knows the relationship her and son share,
if poster is coming from a place of concern … I’m thinking of the documentary my wife the abuser?
which is why I asked would the replies be the same if the son was a daughter.

From me……Yes
the only ‘crime’ appears to be the son cutting short phone calls with his mum and then wanting to be treated differently as a couple to what the OP expects
i would find it insufferable to be called on a rota 3 times a week when I was busy working nights and trying to have some sort of a normal life in between shifts - and would def sound agitated. I’d most likely use my spouse coming home as an excuse to get off the phone too.

The difference is that it is the 'child' that is driving the level of contact. That poster is choosing to speak to her mum daily. Your son isn't getting the choice, as you are the one ringing him.

My mum said that once we were married, it was up to us to decide on how often we spoke to or saw her. At the time, I thought it odd. With hindsight, it makes sense. She recognised that she was no longer our primary adult, we had found someone else. My husband speaks with his mum most days. I speak with mine intermittently, and she only ever rings me if there is something specific to tell me, not just for a 15 minute waffle about nothing. It is not about sexes, it is about individual wishes.

As others have said, let him lead. And recognise that you are not longer his primary adult. They want to be treated as a single unit. Whether any of us agree with that dynamic doesn't matter. It is what they want.

I have a few thoughts on this, OP.

1. nobody is saying you should love or care about your DIL as much as your own son. But you're talking about the occasional low-cost souvenir, not a declaration of love and devotion. Your son has clearly expressed that he finds it hurtful and exclusionary when you get him something but not her. What's more important to you here - putting her in her place in the hierarchy of your love, or maintaining a cordial and peaceful relationship for the sake of your son?
2. re the phone calls - I can understand why you feel hurt that your son hurries off the phone when his wife comes home. From his perspective he is likely trying to maximise their limited time together, but I can see why that leaves you feeling like he never has time for you. I don't think it's fair to blame this on your DIL - it's your son's choice, not hers. I think your strategy of trying for fewer phone calls at a time your son says is convenient might help here.
3. You just have to get over her sometimes answering the phone for him or chiming in to calls. Some families just see this as normal. I'll answer my husband's phone if his mum rings when he's not around to let her know he's not about because I see it as a courtesy. If it doesn't bother your son, whose phone it is, you have to let it not bother you.
4. Don't get your younger son involved. It's not fair to bring him into this, and it could damage his relationship with his brother. Your comment about flying monkeys is spot on, that's what it would amount to.