AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

It's obvious that your son knows that you are deliberately excluding his wife and it really upsets and annoys him. You are deliberately trying to make a stark and obvious difference between the way you treat your son and your treatment of his wife. It wouldn't cost anything much in terms of time, effort and money to buy his wife a small and inexpensive souvenir from your trips when you are buying your son a much more extravagant present. He has told you this many times, and you know how much this bothers him, but you persist in doing this and then pretend to be baffled about why he is pissed off with you.

What do you want from this post? You’ve asked for opinions and then disagreed with everyone who has given you one that doesn’t support you. Why even bother?

To be honest, that tells me a story. You’ve made up your mind, don’t listen to people and can’t see beyond the limits of your own views…then you wonder why your son gets irritated with you and would rather be with his wife?!

YABU. My brother has always made his partner the absolute centre of his world, even after 20 years. Some relationships are like that.

Additionally, there’s nothing wrong with his wife answering his phone? I’m confused as to why you think this is something worth pointing out.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with his younger brother saying.. How are things, you seem kind of distant, here if you need me. Just don’t bring the wife into it, you could be right so there’s nothing wrong with your other son testing the waters but you could wrong and that could cause offence.
My son was in a relationship I was tea concerned about so I know it’s horrible to watch, my son eventually left her but had no idea about my opinion.

This is absolutely not the hill to die on. Your adult son doesn’t need random gifts from you at all so if this is an issue just stop. If you really want to buy them, then it would be the nice thing to do to include DIL as well, or get a joint gift etc.

Agree with everyone, the phone calls are too much.
I see my parents once a week as they live closer than the in-laws but unless something major has happened, we don't speak or text in-between.
Likewise my husband speaks to his parents once a week, usually every Sunday. His dad might ring in the week (usually at an inconvenient time like dinner) to tell him something he might like to watch is on TV that night.

With the gifts I don't see why you wouldn't buy DIL something as well and why you ask what your son wants. If you are travelling and picking up a little souvenir surely it's for the both of them. I would also find it rude you not considering them as a couple and this is perhaps why your son now says what she would like to make a point to you that you are being rude when you don't.

I would argue that moving away from family is a hallmark of growing up.

I speak as a person who managed to escape an abusive partner. What the op describes does not sound like abuse or control at all. In fact op sounds more controlling than the wife (deliberately making it known she is not buying presents for wife, expecting son to call her all the time even though he is in an adult relationship).

Answering the phone could be as simple as 'mum' is calling I'll be nice rather than her go to voicemail. It might be respectful and not controlling as you see it.

If you're away and see something nice, just buy it.why are you asking. It's giving them a choice/opening.

My MIL buys a joint gift lift matching mugs, sweets, something for our garden

If I were concerned about my DS, then I'd do all I could to check on him. Couldn't care less if that ruffled feathers amongst those who believe that because your child is a son not a daughter you need to stay our of his adult life. That said, I wouldn't be jumping to conclusions about a DiL I'd had in my life for 9 years and decide anything wrong with my son must be down to something she was doing. If you've raised an independent adult man who knows he has the support of a loving family, the chances of him being forced to be distant with his mother by his erstwhile perfectly normal wife, against his will, are slim. I'd be more likely think there may be other causes. And yes, I'd ask his brother if I thought there was a better chance of him opening up if he was troubled.

All parent/child relationships are different. Your perspective on this is just yours. It really doesn’t apply to everyone. There isn’t a set rule for boys and a set rule for girls.

You call him every two days expecting a
15 minute conversation (or is 15 mins what you get, you actually want more)?

I can see why he tries to get off the phone! I loved my mum dearly but we only spoke on the phone every few weeks, same as I do now with my dad. I still felt/ feel like we have a close relationship.

I've never liked talking on the phone even back in the days when it was the only main option for contact other than letter writing. For necessity, yes. Otherwise I'd far rather arrange to meet up or keep in touch via WhatsApp. I didn't like social zoom calls during the pandemic but it wasn't because I don't enjoy the company of the people I was on with.

You would drive me crazy if I were your son. Especially if you phoned around the time my partner got home. I like to have agency over my time- don't we all? At work I have to put up with that not being the case, but at home.....?

I had an overbearing mother. In my case there was no partner in the picture or I am sure she would have blamed him for me pulling back. The truth is that I felt suffocated and guilty for being busy and not wanting to listen to the same complaints about who spends money on what or who has wronged her this time. I pulled back because being in contact with her was exhausting and upsetting.

Ask yourself, OP, are you perhaps an overbearing mother? It would be the most logical explanation for him sounding agitated on the phone, rather than his wife standing behind him with a frying pan threatening to whack him over the head with it unless he hangs up as soon as possible, metaphorically speaking.

All these things that you’re describing are totally normally in a relationship in my opinion. Unless you’re talking about something serious like arranging care for an unwell relative, it seems really OK to bring partner into the conversation or even end the conversation if they need to be doing something else. Likewise it’s fine to answer each others phones and I would always buy in-laws a gift if I was buying for child (unless birthday). I think you might be struggling with that changing dynamic here

It’s clearly too frequent for him. He’s hedging to get off the phone so when his DW comes home he’s happy to hang up. Trust me, if your DS wanted to talk to you for longer he would.

My brother doesn’t even call my mum once a month it’s definitely not his partner. She responds instantly if you message or call. He just isn’t that kind of person.

How often do you want 5 minutes ? I like to talk to my mum every day but my brother can’t stand it, this is mostly because 5 minutes is never enough and she wants long conversations which he can’t stand.

Are you maybe too demanding ?

I'm glad I've got my mil not you. If they visit they gift to me, our dd and my husband...we treated as a family unit. I love my mil because of that and we moving her to our village so we can help her now her health isn't as good with her agreement.

Do they have children @MyCyanShaker? If you are buying gifts for your son and DGC and refusing to buy for her then you are telling them you don’t care about DIL’s feelings because you are happy to deliberately leave her out. If my mum did that to my DP it would definitely spur my relationship with her.

You say you see him 1 x per year.

Is there anything stopping you from
A. Video calling
B. visiting him more often (maybe if his city is a airport hub for somewhere you cam stop enroute. get a hotel and dont stay with him and the wife. Maybe ask to meet him for a dinner and a show) i only suggest this as you mention "your travels" like you are always off somewhere

I think I understand where you coming from OP. My SIL is the same( wife to my husbands bother). If I'm having a conversation with my BIL and she's in the other room, she will rush from where she is to chip into the conversation, they do every single thing together. He doesn't have an identity apart from her and same for her. When my husband calls the brother, she answers most of the time. The other day I made coffee for them, she was in the bathroom. So I asked my BIL how many sugars does he take, the husband was standing next to me in the kitchen. "He takes 2"! That is her screaming from the bathroom. Maybe that's how marriage is supposed to be. I don't know🤷. There is nothing much you can do, it's their marriage at the end of the day OP

Yup!

I wonder what is there to talk about Monday after the Sunday call. Can’t be much.

Er, that’s up to your DS.
Sounds like you are being overbearing, and instead of him having the guts to tell you this, he is lowering contact with you.
Take the message.
If he needs you, he’ll let you know.

How do you speak about your DIL to your son?
I’m the DIL in my situation. My MIL constantly badmouths me to her DS as well as insulting me to her face. It’s taken several years of talking to MIL about her behaviour, but she’s finally been told that she’s not welcome in our house because of her refusal to behave herself. Not surprisingly, her DS doesn’t want to hear his mother criticise the biggest choice he’s made in her life (I.e. me).
So perhaps reflect on what you say to your DS about DIL and be honest with yourself. There might be a perfectly good reason why your son doesn’t want to talk to you very often.

Op, I wonder what would happen if you never called at all but waited for him to call you. Perhaps you should try it for a couple of weeks and see how it goes.