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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be concerned- DH & work colleague?

152 replies

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:19

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

OP posts:
Fernandez54 · 12/06/2025 22:20

Yes I would be concerned tbh

Spirallingdownwards · 12/06/2025 22:20

If its not yet an affair its an emotional one. I bet he has told her he sleeps separately and even calls her from the other room!

Theuniversalshere1 · 12/06/2025 22:20

So sorry it sounds like he is having an emotional affair. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

Theuniversalshere1 · 12/06/2025 22:21

Why are the messages set to disappearing too?

Walkthisroad · 12/06/2025 22:22

He is probably up half the night messaging her if he is in a separate room.

Sorry doesn’t sound too good.

Theuniversalshere1 · 12/06/2025 22:22

I been through it and was a mug.

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:23

The messages didn’t sound flirty or anything but there were many and were intimate - discussing his health scan results with her - again nothing weird but it’s just very “close”.

OP posts:
Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:26

But he’s always at home. He never goes out after work and he’s at home every weekend. I don’t see him sending many messages on the weekend.

OP posts:
Fernandez54 · 12/06/2025 22:27

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:23

The messages didn’t sound flirty or anything but there were many and were intimate - discussing his health scan results with her - again nothing weird but it’s just very “close”.

He shouldn’t be discussing anything personal with her, that is disrespectful to you. Sleeping in the spare room is also a red flag. I hope you get some resolution, whatever is going on it’s not acceptable.

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:29

Maybe they are just good friends - I don't know. The call log shows so many calls…

OP posts:
Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:33

Fernandez54 · 12/06/2025 22:27

He shouldn’t be discussing anything personal with her, that is disrespectful to you. Sleeping in the spare room is also a red flag. I hope you get some resolution, whatever is going on it’s not acceptable.

But it could be friendly? Or am I naive?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 12/06/2025 22:33

How many times do you call your good friends?

Pessismistic · 12/06/2025 22:36

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:26

But he’s always at home. He never goes out after work and he’s at home every weekend. I don’t see him sending many messages on the weekend.

Just be aware people cheat in work hours the amount of people I’ve worked with who have done this you would not believe it, the oh wouldn’t have a clue. Be aware if they’re speaking a lot it’s something. I had a manager who spoke to colleagues all day long and he was sleeping with, his poor wife had no idea. He went home to her every night but what went on in the day time was the scary stuff.

Theuniversalshere1 · 12/06/2025 22:37

It's inappropriate. Always on the phone, constant messaging. How do you behave with your besties?

Theuniversalshere1 · 12/06/2025 22:38

I was in your position op and didn't trust my gut. Wish I had. Got left now stuck living with ex till my flat purchase goes through.

Everything was my fault too.

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:45

PinkiOcelot · 12/06/2025 22:33

How many times do you call your good friends?

OK. That's a fair point.

OP posts:
Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:47

His work is very stressful, and they are on the same level (managing different teams), so maybe he just has a supportive colleague!

OP posts:
WaverleyOwl · 12/06/2025 22:53

Married almost 20 years.

A few years ago we went through a rough period where he slept separately as he was 'getting up early' and 'didn't want to disturb me'.

He was also depressed. It meant that we were disconnected.

Turned out he'd had his head turned at work by a younger woman. She was oblivious, but I found the messages he wrote to himself talking about how wonderful she was. It was one way, but to read that broke my heart.

We tried marriage counselling which just made things worse, ironically.

We addressed the issue - sleeping separately and not being engaged with one and other at home.

Things are better, but I still think about it (have been recently) and so need to address it together.

He never did anything - it was a one way infatuation - but still hurt me.

Your husband is actively messaging another woman and has had the foresight to make sure the messages are not retrievable.

That sounds really dodgy. I'm friendly with work colleagues, but if I do message them, I'm not deleting anything.

Sorry.

Wowwee1234 · 12/06/2025 22:57

Do any of you work?????
Honestly!
I have male colleagues I am constantly in contact with. For work. Ditto female ones. We connect over time. Share our lives. We are not ALL having emotional affairs.
The paranoia on this site is beyond. How are women expected to be able to hold down jobs and be treated as their male colleagues if men are constantly scrutinused at home for ever saring to talk to them.

Endorewitch · 12/06/2025 22:58

This could lead to an emotional affair. Starts of innocently. Graduates to good friends. Then intimate friends. Then an emotional affair.
I wonder if she is married. Not that seems to make a difference nowadays.
I think you should nip it in the bud. Set boundaries. If he loves you he should understand .

TheSlantedOwl · 12/06/2025 22:58

I’d be very concerned indeed.

OneFineDay13 · 12/06/2025 22:59

Yes I would be do some digging.

OneFineDay13 · 12/06/2025 22:59

Spirallingdownwards · 12/06/2025 22:20

If its not yet an affair its an emotional one. I bet he has told her he sleeps separately and even calls her from the other room!

Bet you he does

OneFineDay13 · 12/06/2025 23:00

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:47

His work is very stressful, and they are on the same level (managing different teams), so maybe he just has a supportive colleague!

Edited

Stop making excuses come on

OneFineDay13 · 12/06/2025 23:01

Wowwee1234 · 12/06/2025 22:57

Do any of you work?????
Honestly!
I have male colleagues I am constantly in contact with. For work. Ditto female ones. We connect over time. Share our lives. We are not ALL having emotional affairs.
The paranoia on this site is beyond. How are women expected to be able to hold down jobs and be treated as their male colleagues if men are constantly scrutinused at home for ever saring to talk to them.

Surprised you ever get any work done all that chatting

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