Would you be concerned- DH & work colleague?

[Wez6z]

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

But the texts I did see were flat. No flirting. Just a lot of care for each other and support.

I do trust him. Maybe I ask him to invite her and her family to ours for lunch to see if them together?!

It doesn’t always but a large percentage of the time it does!

It is suspicious enough for it to be a concern I think. Dont ignore it hoping it will go away.

yeah, I think you are probably right on that.

So you'd message a married man multiple times a day to talk about very personal stuff? Fair play then.

@ginasevern plenty of women have no scruples whatever on this - doesnt even cross their mind how it looks to partners- some men too by the way . Often I think people who have been students and lots of mixed social sets who have been fortunate enough not to have been shat on in a relationship before.

He's sleeping in another room - and a work colleague has become his default 'friend' who he shares his most personal feelings with?

So many threads like this on Mumsnet and they start off saying 'should I be worried' - and without fail, end with discovery of at least major emotional cheating

the point here OP is that if he wants his marriage with you to work _ YOU should be the main focus of his emotional life. Yes of course we can all have friends - and men and women can be friends - but it sounds like he is pouring a lot of his attention and emotional energy on an individual - a female - who is not you - and who is not his family. that sounds dangerous

If I found myself doing that - with a man - I would catch myself and think - im putting the emotional trust of my marriage at risk here.

He needs to re-focus back onto you - they can be friends but not like this. And anyone who says it's all cool -is naive. Half of all marriages fall apart and end in divorce - being married is hard work/ graft and effort...not putting all your vibes and energy elsewhere when life gets tough.

@Wowwee1234 I've worked my whole life - as has my husband - no it's not normal to be pouring your heart out in constant conversations and messages with a colleague of the opposite sex

as the saying goes on here - they are never 'friendly ' with the really unattractive older lady who sits near them are they? always somehow the pretty young attentive girl.

Yes. Because I have no designs on them. Why should I exclude a male colleague (or they me) due to batshit craxy paranoia? Not evrry woman wants to get in every mans pants. We can just be friends.

@waterrat you do you. Leave the rest of us out of it . In my experience the norm varies hugely by office, team, and tyoe of work.

It isn't batshit crazy paranoia. Desperate women constantly messaging married men are just attention seeking.

Ive worked with men in relationships or married there is not a chance I'd message them constantly there is just no need.

You need some social boundaries.

@waterrat totally agree - and those accusing us of paranoia - you have no idea of why the partner may be paranoid or what other shit they have put up with , maybe put yourself in the partners position of how it looks

And another thing, to the do gooders on here who think it's acceptable for the husband and the work colleague to be messaging and calling like this. All of the energy and conversations he is having with her should be instead directed towards his wife, so it's taking away from her really

The norm varies by the person. We had a text pest at work, texting all the men asking what they were having for tea or how were they on their days off. Yes the recipients should have discouraged it instead of rolling their eyes about it but some people are too polite.

I don’t know. I have male colleagues who are just great friends. I work in a 90%male office. One in particular I work with a lot and we chat. It’s taken a long time but he does now mention hospital appointments etc. and we send the odd meme outside of work hours, because it resonates. Or if there’s something important going on we’ll have a bunch of messages about whatever it is, even well outside office hours. I have a lot of respect and am very fond of him but zero interest in flirting or anything silly like that. I don’t feel he sees me that way at all either we just genuinely have a laugh. I’d love to meet his wife properly but we’re not the kind of office that has events with family included really. But she sounds really great and he clearly adores her. He makes my days better but is not in any way a love interest. So from my own experience, I’m not sure there’s necessarily anything bad…. Other than the hiding of the conversations. That’s not good. I’m certain my friend tells his wife all the shit that I say.

Crazy thought... talk to him?

She could be his friend, she could be easy source of perspective or one of them could be attached emotionally if not physically.

Do everyone's texts disappear or just hers?

Is he calling in work time or personal time?

Honestly from a MN perspective we'd all worry if it was our DH but that could be baseless or good instinct. We can't help beyond speculating. So ask him

I use WhatsApp for all my messaging, didn't even know it had a disappearing messages option. Used it for over a decade now. Is this a work phone or his personal phone

That sounds like the start of an emotional affair, if not already established. Sorry OP 💐

Exactly this it’s not about the friendship it’s about the amount of time he’s giving her and not his wife. The disappearing texts just make it look bad but I reckon there leaning on each other but that doesn’t mean there isn’t more to it. He’s still being sneaky I had lots of male colleagues but wouldn’t spend so much time talking unless I wanted to hear from him because I liked him.

@Gloriia I had someone work with me and my H like this in our business - I think to be honest she was jealous and got a buzz from messaging my H all the time with completely unnecessary stuff and as we needed her in the business he was too polite to tell her to ‘cool it’ it wasn’t flirty or anything , just well OTT in terms of frequency and nosiness about what we were up to etc

Yes these silly text pests never constantly message the middle aged women and ask them what they're having for tea or what theyre watching on telly do they. Funny that. It's alway the married men or men in relationships that they target to be their bezzie.

Disappearing messages is not the default option on WhatsApp.

I did. See my update above. He said she helps him a lot at work and she’s a good friend. Honestly, I can’t always listen about his work - I don’t get it, so maybe it’s good he has other outlets. He sleeps in another room from time to time as he wakes up at night a lot.

I think you need to talk to him more then. About your feelings, about making sure there's intimacy between you (I don't just mean sex) but if he sometimes sleeps alone and hes sharing his day and stresses with her of course you'd feel concerned and deserve reassurance

I also would need to know if everyone's messages delete, because if its just hers id ask about that too