Would you be concerned- DH & work colleague?

[Wez6z]

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

Yes I would be concerned. I've never known anyone to set messages to disappear unless they knew that those messages were inappropriate to be viewed by a third person who had access to his phone

He sounds like he is avoiding family life if he is sleeping all weekends. Does he show any appreciation to you for picking up his slack?

That’s what I think on the one hand. I don’t see him doing anything over the weekends. But the sheer number of calls…

The disappearing messages are a big red flag. Sorry, OP, I would be concerned.

Greases the wheels. And often is also the work. You know... convos that go like
"How did tabby get on at the vets?"
"Fine. We're getting her spayed nexxt week".
"Good plan! Btw have you looked at the email I sent yesterday yet? I'd appreciate your thoughts on XYZ".

@Wowwee1234 am thrilled for you that you are such good friends with your work colleagues but can you hoenstly say you think this is the case here, secretive phone calls and texts. ? I thin not

He commutes for work, and I work part-time. The kids are bigger, and he does his fair share.
I trusted him, but the content of the messages was very intimate, and when I saw all those calls (multiple times a day), it made me worried.

I would be very upset and suprised if someone saw me as a threat. I've been in many companies and those with good cultures will include colleagues sharing some personal info.

Disappearing messages, more weird, but not necessarily affair (might be other reasons, such as being rude about the boss).

I'm trying to think of it would be reasonable for close platonic friends to discuss their health issues and a few personal stresses? And that the friend was also a colleague? Is the colleague single? Have you met them? Spoken to them?

If I trusted my partner I wouldn't assume the worst necessarily. But I doubt you'd be raising it if you felt it was literally just a friendship. And not his behaviour on a wider scale.

I guess you'll have to ask what's wrong and make it clear the only way you can be supportive (or not?) is if he's fully honest.

He has been unwell lately so I cannot imagine that in his state, he would be starting any affairs. He’s stressed at work, and I assume she’s been a good friend, but the number of calls and messages appears excessive.

Yeah but that’s often the danger zone when people look for escapism and then slip down a slippery slope.

I'd be suspicious about the disappearing messages. Why would you do that unless you have something to hide?

I say this with love.......I have never seen this end with anything other than an emotional affair at best.

Sounds like that is already happening. The next step is....well you know what the next step is.

So you have a choice. Ignore it, convince yourself that you are being paranoid and he wouldnt do that to you.....right up until he does. Or you shine a big bright light on it and see if that nips it in the bud.

If he responds with realisation that he has got too close to her and acknowledges that, is open with all communication devices and backs right off, its a good sign. If he is defensive, lies and gets angry, just file. It will save you a lot of pain in the long run.

Does he have any of his other messages on "disappear"?

Something is going on. Whatever it is , emotional/ physical it sounds like it's been many months. Men tend to get a soft landing prepared before they go.

I have male colleagues I have a platonic laugh with. This does not sound like that. I’d be concerned!

I’d be thinking this too… though I also know I’m very naive. For that reason I clicked YANBU.

Can you see what time of the day the messages are sent? Messages frequently sent at midnight imply greater intimacy than those sent at times more likely to be considered acceptable between colleagues.

Disappearing messages is suspicious. Call times, are they in work time? Sounds like it. Could be calling her for work questions etc. Are any in the evening / weekend? He clearly knows its inappropriate in some way if he is setting messages to disappear. Perhaps it’s something that is just going on at work, she may have a partner too, hence no evening / weekend calls / meeting up. Does sound like he is very reliant on this person, and no, it doesn’t always mean anything sexual, I bond with work colleagues, men and women but I would only set to disappearing messages if I didn’t want someone seeing them. That in itself is a red flag. Sleeping in the spare room is a red flag when no young DC etc. I’d confront him.

How do you know the context of the messages if they are disappearing? Also how did you see call log?

It does sound dodgy. The stress is probably a result of his emotional affair.

This, it's lunch times and early/late starts, 'work team building trips'. Many an affair is fitted in to normal work hours.

I didn’t see when the calls were made, but there were so many. As I said, the texts were not flirty or anything—more a deep care from one to the other saying, "Look after yourself, go to sleep early tonight, forget about work." So it could be just a strong friendship, albeit he never mentioned it to me.

Yes, I would be concerned. Masses of calls, disappearing texts and he’s never mentioned it to you? Stressed and sleeping in the spare room? Red flags everywhere on this op.
And yes, I do work and yes I have male colleagues that I have a lot of contact with, and vice versa for DH. The difference is we are both fully aware of what the other is doing, nothing is hidden or deleted, because it’s all above board.

This. The MNetters just jump on any chance to declare every man a cheat. It’s what they live for. And people like OP suck up the paranoia and perpetuate the problem. Honestly OP get off MN and speak to your DH.

Sorry? He’s not allowed to talk about personal things with his friend?

It's never 'Dave from accounts' that the men have all these deep friendships with though is it. It's either the pretty new joiner or the smart co-worker.

It may be nothing - but it's definitely a red flag OP.