Would you be concerned- DH & work colleague?

[Wez6z]

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

@Wez6z he's had his head turned and is engaging in an emotional affair. These will lead to a physical one if not stopped.

He is creating the intimacy of a relationship with her.

In your shoes, i'd sit him down and warn him it ends now or else.

Don't be a mug. It's not a friendship if the messages are set to disappear and he is putting the emotional burden on her and not his wife.

Update: I asked him what’s going on. He said he had nothing to hide. He says he’s under a lot of pressure at work as she is, and they help each other by talking it through and being there for each other. He said she's a decent and supportive peer. The disappearing message—he says that’s the default function on WhatsApp, and it was like that from the beginning. He sleeps in a spare room lately as he has issues waking up at night from stress from the mortgage, private school fees, and health issues.

There’s a difference though isn’t there…

I chat a lot with all kinds of people at work in my mid-tier corporate job. However there’s one guy I chat to on and off throughout the day, every day. Often topics unrelated to work. Lots of lighthearted banter and in-jokes. Absolutely nothing inappropriate.

I absolutely predict he’s gradually edging towards revealing feelings. No-one chats that much to multiple people - none of us would get any work done if we did.

The fact he has his texts set to disappearing is also extremely telling. That isn’t the default setting - he’s actively chosen to turn that on. Why would he if he had no guilty feelings?

Disappearing messages is not the default on WhatsApp op. That’s a lie.

Does he have other chats on this setting?

He’s lying.

Don’t you have WhatsApp yourself?

The disappearing function is absolutely not the default setting.

🙄

I'm going against the grain here. I wouldn't necessarily be worried because I've made some very good friends through work - one of my closest friends is a work colleague. I WhatsApp her most days and discuss work stress with her.

I don't get the comments about it being disrespectful or inappropriate. Of course I talk to my husband about work issues but he doesn't know my work colleagues and can't properly understand the issues. Whereas a friend who is a work colleague immediately gets it.

Edited as I've just seen the update re disappearing messages. That puts a different spin on things!

Just as a comparison the many men I get on with at work and that also know some details of my personal life - I might swap two or three messages a day.

I’ll see them on work meetings but perhaps have a 121 call with them once a week, maybe once or twice a day for a short period of time if there’s a specific issue we’re working on together.

The guy I am 100% certain has feelings for me - we probably message 20-30 times a day throughout the day. A much wider range of personal topics, more in-jokes and more caring things.

Your being naive here and makikg excuses for him and to make yourself feel better

This is an emotional affair of i ever did see one. You need to confront him and let him know that its making your very uncomfortable. The disappearing message I'd ve very concerned about. He's your husband so I'd expect him to listen, understand and share his pov. If he automatically becomes defensive then you have your answer and he's already got a foot out the door.

Some folk on here seem to be fine with that level but I wouldn't and you need to have your own line in the sand and decide if its been crossed. I'd be upset if this was my husband and I know my husband wouldn't like it if I was doing this with male colleagues

Edited to add
He's lying as disappearing messages are not the default setting on WhatsApp. Don't accept this as imo its way beyond a supportive peer- he should be sharing all this with you as his wife

I would find the disappearing messages suspicious. It wouldn't bother me if my husband was talking to a friend at work about his health or stress if it really helped him.

Sorry just saw you spoke to him I had suggested you had it all out with him.
I would still find the hidden messages odd but it's up to you whether you trust him or not.

Why dont you work full time to help with the money worries?

It’s an emotional affair at the very least and as unprofessional as it was of us DH and I met at work and most definitely snogged in his office so being at work only doesn’t stop stuff happening, we were both single and then dated each other, no affair.

None of my what’s app messages have disappeared.

I have known my closest friend for almost 40 years we FaceTime once a week and probably msg every couple of days. Multiple times a day seems dodgy to me.

I would feel that I should be the one who is his supportive peer. I wouldn’t be happy. I’d ask him to tolerate my unhappiness by turning the immediate disappearing thingy off WhatsApp.

"I'm trying to think of it would be reasonable for close platonic friends to discuss their health issues and a few personal stresses? And that the friend was also a colleague?"

😂🙈 Of course it would be, and is! Friends talk about all sorts. Also, a good proportion of colleagues become friends. Shock, horror!

Script OP. He's hiding something and he knows it's wrong. He knows it.

Trust your gut. He should respect that this makes you uncomfortable. A huge boundary has been crossed, don't allow it.

Definitely a lie

If you believe his excuses about work driving this, why is he so stressed at work? If it's a temporary or.short term reason then fair enough but if it isn't, he needs to look at changing jobs. If your job is so stressful it leads you to sleep separately from your partner and turn to a colleague of the opposite sex for emotional support, then it's damaging your marriage.

But FYI, disappearing mode is not the default for whatsapp.

And do you have the messages set to ‘disappearing’ ?
just because your interactions may be innocent doesn’t mean everyone else’s are .

the disappearing messages are definitely not the default setting. You have to go into the settings on WhatsApp and manually turn it on. So that is suspicious.

that said, the idea that you can’t talk to anyone but your spouse/partner about personal issues is very silly.

'Just be aware people cheat in work hours the amount of people I’ve worked with who have done this you would not believe it, the oh wouldn’t have a clue'

This. Just because spouses aren't going on suspicious overnight stays means nothing, an A/L day while you think they're at work is all it takes.

'He sleeps in a spare room lately as he has issues waking up at night from stress from the mortgage, private school fees, and health issues.'

Op, he's distancing himself from you. Get him back in the bedroom for starters.

Whatever is going on is not ok. The default for WhatsApp is not disappearing, messages so he is lying. You don't ring colleagues incessantly. He is either cheating or working on it. Sorry but don't believe his excuses.

Have you met this very good friend?

Are the other chats on WhatsApp disappearing as well?
Your conversations?

I would have been prepared to give the benefit of the doubt until reading your update.

I know WhatsApp and its features inside out and disappearing messages is NOT the default - you have to intentionally set it. It may be that his colleague set this up herself at her end.

Also; the stuff about sleeping in the spare room - I would be hesitate to believe he’s being entirely truthful.

It seems to me he’s detaching from you because he has built up an intimate relationship with another woman. Being unwell would not prevent this.

I know this situation well because I have been in it - but on your husband’s side.

Also, not seeing him message at the weekend doesn’t mean he’s not doing it. Believe me, it’s easy to do without being seen.

It is perfectly possible for men and women to have platonic friendships - I have many female friends who I don't fancy, but enjoy their company and friendship, and with some, I confide stuff, and they confide to me too.
If it's coupled with issues in your own relationship with him, then maybe yes, he's getting a closeness that may be missing.
Also, I know a number of couples who sleep separately, for various reasons, but are otherwise in happy relationships.