Would you be concerned- DH & work colleague?

[Wez6z]

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

I am working part-time because I have to do the school runs. I am also retraining. I kind of don't mind him having a friend because I don't get his stressful work.

This!!!

we are very close but rarely speak on the phone

I have disappearing messages on and I’m single with no paid work - I like to not have to go through and delete stuff - they are there for 90 days! Before they disappear..

That doesn’t sound like the context of this

loads of phone calls is more than “tabby at the vets”

Me and my colleague have worked together for years, I probably call him about 5 times a day on work days and we message all the time. If anything important is going on in my life (to do with my kids, partner or health) I would tell him because he is a good friend. I'm not having an emotional affair with him but on the standards set by many people on this thread it would qualify.

I am not saying it's innocent OP, I can't possibly know that but I am saying that my relationship with my colleague is 100% plutonic but we speak and message all the time.

Exactly this!!

yes, people have friends and colleagues. I have male friends and my DH has female friends. Nothing wrong with that, but why the disappearing messages? The secrecy implies something needs to be hidden and would cause trust issues for me on that.

He may think the disappearing messages is a default if the other person put it on their messages - he not know he can switch it off

I Do this for all my messages and the other person receiving text may just opt out

Why do you message all the time? I have friends and we message but not all the time and if I had a male colleague I certainly wouldn't.

Is he married/ in a relationship and do you get on well with his wife or gf? Because if you do and all socialise together you must surely see this is a completely different situation.

We message about work a lot (because we are colleagues and we work together) but also anything else that happens to be going on in our lives. We don't socialise together outside of work although he has met my children (both times I was on maternity leave i came in with the new baby so he could meet them). He's met my partner a couple of times when my DP has come to our office. He has a wife who I haven't met because she doesn't work so isn't ever in the City but i've met both his children. Me and my DP are getting married soon and I'll invite them both to my wedding.

The reason I posted was to demonstrate that lots of messages and lots of calls with a colleague of the opposite sex doesn't necessarily mean 'emotional affair'.

Don’t let another woman be your husband’s wife!

I’m clearly in the vast minority here and although I wouldn’t be happy about their level of contact, I wouldn’t necessarily be jumping to ‘they’re having an affair’ like countless posters like to do.
Yes, it’s over the top and I’d definitely be wary about the disappearing messages but maybe they just appreciate each other’s struggles at work and he doesn’t want to burden you even more? Especially if you’re already stressed too about his health/money etc.
On the other hand, I could be completely wrong!

Most people have colleagues. Surely you interact at work, why the need to message all the time aswell? You havent met his wife yet he's such a good friend. Riight.

I've worked with many married men and barring the 'where are the keys' or 'will you swap work days' I've never felt the need to message them.

If it were not for the disappearing messages AND him sleeping in another room I would have thought they were just very good friends. The above makes me suspicious..

Yeah, I have other colleagues I message a lot too (although I wouldn't share things about my personal life with them, because we are not as close). Eta we WFH a lot (so I don't message him when I'm in the office... because he's sat next to me).

I haven't met his wife because we don't socialise aside from a drink after work sometimes. If she worked in the city I guess i would have met her, but she doesn't, so I haven't.

I can't tell if you are implying I am lying about the nature of my relationship but I'm not sure why anyone would interject in a thread that has nothing to do with them to lie... on an anonymous forum? Either way, if that's what you are getting at, I'm really not bothered if you think I'm telling the truth or not. I've already explained why I posted.

@Wez6z , there are just too many things that will eventually add up to a big thing. Him not leaving the house doesn't mean anything really. The many phone calls /messages are enough of a connection to fulfil whatever his current need is.

You can keep batting it away at your peril, but he is creating such distance between you that if even if he doesn't leave/start a physical affair, he'll only be yours in body.

I don't think you're lying, I think you do indeed message a married man a lot from work. However If he is such a good friend you would surely have met his wife at family events, birthdays, Christmas, barbeques in the summer etc etc. That's how friendships usually work ime. Not just messaging and going for drinks after work the 2 of you.

There are social norms and boundaries whicn you don't seem aware of.

Does your husband to be have a female friend that he messages all the time and goes for drinks with too?

The disappearing message—he says that’s the default function on WhatsApp, and it was like that from the beginning.

I'd have given him the benefit of the doubt but he's lying to you.

@WaverleyOwl I have been in that situation, except my H wrote songs and poems about it and I found them all stuffed away 10 years later - recorded himself singing and playing them too- found the CDs in same drawer - all very one way infatuation according to him and it was a very young person when he was 41. I don’t have proof it was all one way though . She did text him a lot too . As I could tell by call logs on printed bills which luckily I still had 10 years later.

as you say, it’s heartbreaking - it never really goes away and in my experience although still together I’ve never felt 100% the same regardless of how sorry he was

My partner is currently a sahd so no work colleagues. I don’t know how often he used to message his work colleagues when he was working, I never took an interest.

I didn’t say we went for drinks ‘just the two of us’ I said we went for drinks after work. As I said, I’ve met his kids and he’s met mine, he’s met my DP (on all occasions this happened at or close to our office) but I’ve not met his wife. she will be invited to our wedding, however. We also live a long way from each other which might be relevant in terms of not meeting up outside of work.

im not passing judgement on social norms or boundaries other people may have, I’m sharing my personal experience to help the OP establish whether her husbands behaviour could be ‘innocent’. In my case it is, it’s never even been discussed as a potential problem, it is the definition of a non-issue. That might surprise you, but that’s ok.

This is exactly how my ExH’s affair began. He was calling het on the way too and from work and messaging the rest of the time.
Then came the personality transplant, getting home from work late and gaslighting behaviour.
its a slippery slope!

Disappearing messages is not default, I've only ever had to turn them on.

If they're not like that on all messages threads doesn't it strike him as odd that it is only on hers?

It is a slippery slope. Thses people that message colleagues constantly because they are such good friends yes strangely aren't involved in any other aspect of their bffs lives, which true friends tend to be.

There'll always be a spouse/sahp sat at home wandering wtf is going on.

It could be something or nothing. I have two male colleagues I speak to very regularly. One is a great friend with a shared sense of humour. Absolutely, completely innocent.

The other is now my partner:

'In my case it is, it’s never even been discussed as a potential problem, it is the definition of a non-issue'

Ok. Glad it works for you. So, if your sahp dp starts constantly messaging a married woman from the school run, having her round for coffee but not involving you at all or introducing you, you'd be quite happy? Course you would.

My XH was doing similar when he was having an affair. She was also married, so no calls at the weekend. Each of them slept in their spare rooms so they messaged a lot in the late evening.

There will be other people to be friends with but they always seem to want to be friends with attractive women. 😕