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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be concerned- DH & work colleague?

152 replies

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:19

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

OP posts:
chatgptsbestmate · 14/06/2025 08:36

We've established a couple of things

  • He lies. Disappearing messages on WA is an active choice not a default

  • He thinks you're pretty damn stupid if he expects you to believe his lies

mikado1 · 14/06/2025 08:47

Endofyear · 12/06/2025 23:38

I'd be suspicious about the disappearing messages. Why would you do that unless you have something to hide?

I have most of my chats set to disappearing. It's to free up space and avoid having inconsequential stuff being saved. Handy that it does it automatically so I don't have to go clearing chat or deleting pics I don't want stc. I'd wonder has he that setting on other chats OP?
I'd also ask him tbh.. it doesn't sound too hidden to me, yes saying he's talking to her etc.
Definitely discuss the sleeping etc and check-in. Hope it's all OK.

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 08:59

He is very stressed at work and can’t sleep well. His health is not the best, but he doesn’t listen and goes into the office. He says talking to her—in the same situation as he’s in—helps him with his anxiety. I don’t think he has other intentions with her, but if he helps him, why not let him have a good peer? I asked about the disappearing chats, and he showed me that a lot of his chats are set like that.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 14/06/2025 09:09

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 08:59

He is very stressed at work and can’t sleep well. His health is not the best, but he doesn’t listen and goes into the office. He says talking to her—in the same situation as he’s in—helps him with his anxiety. I don’t think he has other intentions with her, but if he helps him, why not let him have a good peer? I asked about the disappearing chats, and he showed me that a lot of his chats are set like that.

Well, you seem to have accepted his explanation. Just keep an eye as this is how these start a close confidant at work becomes something more.

If he is understanding and has nothing to hide he will be sympathetic to your concerns and change the chats with her not to disappearing.

My dh works in an area unfamiliar to me however I'm perfectly able to listen to his concerns and would not be impressed if he was confiding 'intimately' as you said in your op with another woman. Hasn't he got any male colleagues to talk to?

Laura95167 · 14/06/2025 09:41

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 08:59

He is very stressed at work and can’t sleep well. His health is not the best, but he doesn’t listen and goes into the office. He says talking to her—in the same situation as he’s in—helps him with his anxiety. I don’t think he has other intentions with her, but if he helps him, why not let him have a good peer? I asked about the disappearing chats, and he showed me that a lot of his chats are set like that.

I think if you're happy with that explanation and hes not treating her messages differently then that's your answer.

TheSlantedOwl · 14/06/2025 10:23

All sounds like a lot of cover waffle. And the WhatsApp thing is bullshit.

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 11:13

Cardinalita90 · 13/06/2025 09:56

If you believe his excuses about work driving this, why is he so stressed at work? If it's a temporary or.short term reason then fair enough but if it isn't, he needs to look at changing jobs. If your job is so stressful it leads you to sleep separately from your partner and turn to a colleague of the opposite sex for emotional support, then it's damaging your marriage.

But FYI, disappearing mode is not the default for whatsapp.

He makes substantially more than me, and it’s not practical for him to change his job. His job has always been stressful - it’s just how it is. We have two kids in private schools, too.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 14/06/2025 11:21

Wowwee1234 · 12/06/2025 23:08

Greases the wheels. And often is also the work. You know... convos that go like
"How did tabby get on at the vets?"
"Fine. We're getting her spayed nexxt week".
"Good plan! Btw have you looked at the email I sent yesterday yet? I'd appreciate your thoughts on XYZ".

Yes, there's such a limited view on here of what work might consist of. Like it's only proper work if you can do it on your own at a desk with your little headset on and moving your mouse around.

OneFineDay13 · 14/06/2025 11:42

Seen your update OP. He is lying
about the dissapearing messages being the default. They definitely aren't, how convenient for him! Are your messages also set to dissapearing in his chat log? Sorry he is definitely up to something. good friend my arse lol

Gloriia · 14/06/2025 11:50

TheSlantedOwl · 14/06/2025 10:23

All sounds like a lot of cover waffle. And the WhatsApp thing is bullshit.

It is yes but sometimes until presented with more evidence it is ok to give them the benefit of the doubt, for a while. You can't break up a family until you know more.

So, surely he'll now change his WhatsApp settings to reassure the op and also return to sleeping in the same room. If he doesn't then I'd be digging and digging.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/06/2025 13:06

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 08:59

He is very stressed at work and can’t sleep well. His health is not the best, but he doesn’t listen and goes into the office. He says talking to her—in the same situation as he’s in—helps him with his anxiety. I don’t think he has other intentions with her, but if he helps him, why not let him have a good peer? I asked about the disappearing chats, and he showed me that a lot of his chats are set like that.

If lots of his chats are set up like that, that's because he has set them up like that himself, it's not the default.

Every thing you say about him seems like a red flag to me. He struggles with his health but he insists that he goes into the office? I assume that he could work from home but chooses to go into the office? He wants to do this so that he can be with his colleague. I think a lot of his stress is because there is something going on with this colleague and he is struggling with this. At the very least, he is going to this colleague for emotional support and not his own wife.

You seem very passive and accepting of this situation even though it is obviously making you feel unhappy.

Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2025 14:35

thepariscrimefiles · 14/06/2025 13:06

If lots of his chats are set up like that, that's because he has set them up like that himself, it's not the default.

Every thing you say about him seems like a red flag to me. He struggles with his health but he insists that he goes into the office? I assume that he could work from home but chooses to go into the office? He wants to do this so that he can be with his colleague. I think a lot of his stress is because there is something going on with this colleague and he is struggling with this. At the very least, he is going to this colleague for emotional support and not his own wife.

You seem very passive and accepting of this situation even though it is obviously making you feel unhappy.

Sounds like the OP is unhappy about it, but can’t be bothered to get involved/support him with his work stress, so she’s happy to pass this task onto his female colleague (who he’ll more than likely end up having an affair with, but OP will cross that bridge when she gets to it).

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 15:04

Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2025 14:35

Sounds like the OP is unhappy about it, but can’t be bothered to get involved/support him with his work stress, so she’s happy to pass this task onto his female colleague (who he’ll more than likely end up having an affair with, but OP will cross that bridge when she gets to it).

That’s not true. I support him, but no amount of listening and support is enough for him.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2025 15:08

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 15:04

That’s not true. I support him, but no amount of listening and support is enough for him.

Your marriage is in trouble.
Wake up and smell the coffee.

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 17:53

Swiftie1878 · 14/06/2025 15:08

Your marriage is in trouble.
Wake up and smell the coffee.

How’s that?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 14/06/2025 18:13

@Wez6z ok so we are talking about a guy clearly doing relatively well if not very well - always in demand by women overstepping the mark and men feeding off and contributing to the buzz even if not being unfaithful I’m afraid -

CandiedPrincess · 14/06/2025 19:42

@Wez6z Because he's lying to you? Does that not concern you? Not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Donsyb · 15/06/2025 19:15

Fernandez54 · 12/06/2025 22:27

He shouldn’t be discussing anything personal with her, that is disrespectful to you. Sleeping in the spare room is also a red flag. I hope you get some resolution, whatever is going on it’s not acceptable.

Why shouldn’t he discuss personal things? As long as they’re not about his DW or he’s not telling the friend things he’s not telling the DW then I don’t see a problem.

if however he is flirting/ telling her things about his relationship with his DW that’s different.

Wez6z · 15/06/2025 22:13

Donsyb · 15/06/2025 19:15

Why shouldn’t he discuss personal things? As long as they’re not about his DW or he’s not telling the friend things he’s not telling the DW then I don’t see a problem.

if however he is flirting/ telling her things about his relationship with his DW that’s different.

I don’t know what he’s discussing with her, but it sounds like work stress is involved.

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 16/06/2025 16:23

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 15:04

That’s not true. I support him, but no amount of listening and support is enough for him.

It’s your decision at the end of the day but people have said you should be concerned so why not just see how things go. If he is leaning on her things might progress as a friend with a listening ear can evolve into something more. He should want to tell you things even if you don’t understand as much as her but please be careful.

Gloriia · 16/06/2025 17:06

Wez6z · 15/06/2025 22:13

I don’t know what he’s discussing with her, but it sounds like work stress is involved.

In view of your concerns has he at least changed the settings so messages don't disappear? If not then he has something to hide and doesn't care about how this is affecting you.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 07/12/2025 22:09

Wez6z · 14/06/2025 17:53

How’s that?

My husband had / has an extremely stressful job.
I trusted him with my life.
100% not the type to have an affair. He struggled with ED so he couldn’t be having an affair anyway …
Was ALWAYS at home at the weekends.
He slept as far away from me in the bed as he possibly could. Said it was comfier for him.
Phone was never out of his hand …
Found out he’d been having an Emotional Affair with married woman at work. Saw the many many messages they exchanged. Lots of care, interest and genuine concern for each other. They “understood each other and all the work stress”
Disappearing messages had been set with OW and then later turned off.

I kept digging.
3 months after him admitting to Emotional Affair, I found out he’d been using Viagra with her for over 4 years.
Please don’t ignore these red flags.

CurlewKate · 08/12/2025 04:57

Fernandez54 · 12/06/2025 22:27

He shouldn’t be discussing anything personal with her, that is disrespectful to you. Sleeping in the spare room is also a red flag. I hope you get some resolution, whatever is going on it’s not acceptable.

Why not? I’m not saying the OP shouldn’t be suspicious, but why shouldn’t he discuss his own personal concerns with a friend? When my dp suffered a serious injury he got a lot of support from 2 very close friends. It was good for both him and me that he wasn’t completely dependent on me for support.

greyhound82 · 08/12/2025 05:16

Wez6z · 12/06/2025 22:19

To preface it, my DH is a decent person and a good father. However, I have found on his phone log that he frequently calls his work colleague. I didn’t count, but there were so many calls to her. Their texts are set on disappearing, but the ones there are not inappropriate but deeply intimate and personal. She’s asking about his specialist appointment that day, and he’s telling her about the stress at work. He’s not been well lately but insists on going to the office. Our son walked into the home office room and said, "Hold on, I am on a call with “her name”. I don’t know what to make out of it. He’s equally been not sleeping well, so he sleeps in a spare room. He’s exhausted from the work and sleeps on the weekends.

Honestly I think MN really suffers from a lack of male voices sometimes. Why do so many jump to the conclusion he's having an "emotional affair"? Men ARE allowed to discuss private things with friends and colleagues. And if these stresses and problems are work related then she's more familiar with it all than you are.

So the son walks into the office, would you expect him to start bouncing him on his knee during the work Zoom call? It isn't professional and I wave my own kids away if they do the same.

Best thing I reckon is to speak to him about it. If it's a large enough employer they will have proper procedures for managing stress and other problems which maybe this woman isn't aware of so is trying to take it on herself.

Gloriia · 08/12/2025 12:46

'Honestly I think MN really suffers from a lack of male voices sometimes. Why do so many jump to the conclusion he's having an "emotional affair"? '

He is sleeping in the spare room.

He is messaging a woman from work incessantly. Messages set to disappearing as 'that is WhatsApp's default' he incorrectly informs his wife.

If a colleague is such great pals with someone they tend to have met spouses on social dos such a birthdays or whatever.. Cosy constant messages are not ok.

There is a certain type of person who gets off on messaging married people constantly. We've all come across them they usually have a string of failed relrionships behind them and love the attention they get from a mm.