Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

[Brokenbeyondrepair1]

I know AIBU isn't the right place but posting for traffic.

If possible some sensitivity would be appreciated because I'm really struggling.

I'm in an abusive relationship. Mostly emotional/financial but I'm completely at rock bottom. I know I need to leave but I've no strength, self esteem or energy and don't want him to leave me, despite feeling traumatised. He presents as a Narcissist. I hate using this word because it's very overused, however he fulfils every characteristic.

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

However I'm struggling and don't know how to deal with sessions. I'm open and honest but everything is used against me. I effectively sit there crying, shaking and trying to dissociate because I can't cope with it. She is a good therapist and does challenge etc but I know she has to remain impartial. I just feel I'm trying to defend myself because he tells lies.
I don't even know what I want to ask at this point. I suppose if there are any couples therapists, I'd like some reassurance that you can pick up on his traits. I don't even know why it matters.
For 3 days after a session I have a headache, feel very emotional and struggle. I don't really know where to turn. I feel this process may destroy me as it will empower him.

Not a couples therapist, but one of my close friends is, and trains other couples therapists, so I hear a lot about best practice, ethics etc. Contact your therapist separately, and say what you've said here. No reputable therapist would take on a couple with an abusive dynamic, so either you've been very unlucky with your therapist, or the initial assessment where the therapist should have talked to you both separately failed in its task, to weed out abusive situations.

Yes, I also wonder how you were "forced" into therapy. It feels relevant.

The reality is that you need to leave. And you need support to do that. You don't want to seek individual therapy, so what do you need to help you to leave?

In the session, my only advice (based on instinct not experience) is that you should listen to whatever accusations he throws at you and then respond with a standard line, "But that's simply not true. I did not do x, y or z" or "I feel I am being attacked, repeatedly, in these sessions. THERAPIST, can you suggest a way to stop this being him attacing me constantly?"

So a lot of couples therapists won't speak to each party separately. However when I booked her, I asked if she had experience in abuse and she offered me a telephone call, as long I told my partner I had spoken with her. So I did explain everything.
She does work with abuse. However, I don't know where the line is drawn and a therapist will say "I can't work with you".
She told me she was happy to see us but if he does have the traits I had discussed then he wasn't likely to engage properly.

He effectively says he has 50% responsibility just because if he wasn't in the relationship then we wouldn't have issues. Yet he has spent the whole session ranting about me, my childhood, how horrible I am. He lies, so ultimately what is the point.
He pushed me once and says that I raised both of my fists to him first. Its a complete lie and never happened. I find it challenging to have someone who has absolutely destroyed me implying that I'm some psychopath (another thing I'm called).

You need to stop worrying about the therapy and make plans to leave instead.

Speak to women’s aid.

Ok, so we were "forced"...advised to attend my social services. I discussed the relationship with a professional for some advice. It was not meant to go further. This professional made a safeguarding referral to social services due to children in the household.

I'm so emotionally exhausted that I probably come across calm. Although the shaking and crying suggests otherwise. He's quite dominating and so he goes on and on and it's hard to defend myself as I can't interrupt.

It's a given that you never enter therapy with an abuser because they do exactly what yours is doing. I'm not surprised the therapist hasn't spotted the abuse, few are trained in DV.

You're your own worst enemy because you want to stay while he destroys your mental health and further erodes your self esteem. Read up on trauma bonds and contact a domestic abuse organisation for advice and support.

So he knows we spoke however I didn't have to go into details. I just said I had phoned her to book the appointment and explained why we were going to therapy.

She is very highly qualified, members of both the BACP and NCPS.

Purely because spoke to someone about what was happening at home.

I know. We had therapy once before and he made up all sorts of lies about her diagnosing me with mental illness, which was completely untrue. I've made it clear in sessions that I'm concerned anything I say will be used against me.

If you told the therapist you are the victim of abuse within a relationship and she agreed to take you both on as clients then she is not a good therapist, and has most likely breached her ethical guidelines. Therapists are not meant to take on work with couples where there is an abusive dynamic.

Contact women's aid. SS seems tot hink this is toxic, rather than abusive.

Take control in the sessions - either refuse to go, or as a PP has suggested, zone out. Mostly, I'd be considering this is NOT a good therapist. Even if she doesn't see abuse, she should be aiming to facilitate discusison. that's certainly not happening right now.

I don't really know what a therapist can do?
You've recognised there is abuse, you've said you need to leave, you've said you don't want to.
Talking about it in therapy, especially when you've said you can't actually say anything, isn't going to get you anywhere.
Are you in a position to leave? If not, how can you get yourself into that position?

You need to stop engaging as he's getting off on destroying you. Just nod along and don't listen to him.

I do this quite a lot. I just say "ok then" because I've no energy to argue etc.

Trying to deal with this man is like negotiating with a monkey with a machine gun - it’s a waste of time.
It is waste of time having therapy with him.
It is a waste of time getting upset about what he says in sessions.
What you probably yearn for is for the therapist to recognise he is lying and to
acknowledge this, so you feel assured that you are being abused.
Again, this isn’t what you need. It is more what you want.
What you need is to leave. Get help in individual therapy and leave him.
If you don’t want to leave him you will repeat this cycle, you can go to every therapist the BACP has to offer, and nothing will change.
Things will only improve when you leave.
(I am not without empathy, I just wish you could know you are putting yourself through this and it won’t help!)

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

Honestly there’s not much anyone can do to help you while this is the case.

Social work can’t force you to go to therapy, they can strongly suggest it, they can protect your child if you won’t, but they can’t force you into therapy.

No hope if you say you don’t want to leave. People can try to help and lead a horse to water but they can’t make it drink.

You’ve been given advice, told where to go and what to do but you don’t want to. Women’s aid would have been a good starting point but that’s not the advice you want so you’ll be stuck in the same situation

It sounds like you need to contact SS and the therapist to get support to leave.

Grey rock is the way to go. Don't argue with him it's a complete waste of time, just "Yes dear."

Following our session today he's just messaged me saying he's surprised she hasn't phoned the police on him given my portrayal of him and how vehemently I say things against him...nevermind with the added tears.
I honestly don't cry on purpose. I haven't let him see me cry for a long time as he used to laugh at me. I'm just struggling in sessions to hear how little he thinks of me.