Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

[Brokenbeyondrepair1]

I know AIBU isn't the right place but posting for traffic.

If possible some sensitivity would be appreciated because I'm really struggling.

I'm in an abusive relationship. Mostly emotional/financial but I'm completely at rock bottom. I know I need to leave but I've no strength, self esteem or energy and don't want him to leave me, despite feeling traumatised. He presents as a Narcissist. I hate using this word because it's very overused, however he fulfils every characteristic.

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

However I'm struggling and don't know how to deal with sessions. I'm open and honest but everything is used against me. I effectively sit there crying, shaking and trying to dissociate because I can't cope with it. She is a good therapist and does challenge etc but I know she has to remain impartial. I just feel I'm trying to defend myself because he tells lies.
I don't even know what I want to ask at this point. I suppose if there are any couples therapists, I'd like some reassurance that you can pick up on his traits. I don't even know why it matters.
For 3 days after a session I have a headache, feel very emotional and struggle. I don't really know where to turn. I feel this process may destroy me as it will empower him.

You see I'm struggling now and assuming she doesn't see it or thinks I'm not telling the truth. Despite the fact he's dominating in sessions and says things that make no sense! Maybe she thinks what he says is true.

Or maybe she is now seeing it and this is why she suggested individual therapy? You seem very focused on the therapist getting it wrong, but seem to feel you are helpless. That is understandable with what is going on, but you are not helpless - you have ways to deal with this. Dont go. Speak to the therapist privately and tell her you believe the relationship is abusive. Contact a DA agency (there are many which are not WA).

I can imagine it is challenging for the therapist. I also appreciate that I (we) have chosen to go and stay in the relationship, that's my responsibility. In honesty, I don't really know what I expect the therapist to do. She has to appear neutral and listen to us both and she isn't there as a tool to validate me. It's just really soul destroying when someone inflicts trauma on you and then denies it and says you're the one behaving that way. I think she can see how hard it is for me though, the sobbing and visible shaking give it away. I'm also mostly exasperated and struggle with defending myself because I'm too mentally drained.

It's definitely a tick box exercise. SS see the relationship as the issue, so they suggest therapy. I suppose they can't do much else. I can't imagine it would come to making him leave because as she said, it's about the kids not me. It's mostly all directed at me.

Hey,

It sounds like you've low mood, and you've said your self esteem is at the floor. Thing is, all of us fall for the lure of the familiar. Our brains feel safer with certainty over uncertainty even when the certainty is horrible.

You're fixated on understanding "why" you don't want to leave, and whether anyone else sees who he is. But "why" doesn't matter if you know its right. And SS know this isn't good If either child is a DD you are showing her what love looks like, how she can expect a man who loves her to behaved. And if she grows up and makes similar choices you'll be devastated.

It's understandable you're exhausted and gaslit and desperate to hold on to the comfort of the familiar. But this isn't about why you don't want to leave just the acceptance that you have to.

You have a job so you have space from him where you can plan (how to create a go back, where to hide money, how to sneak out important paperwork, tell people you trust) women's aid could help.

Best of luck

Individual therapy seems the best next move here. You aren't ready to leave, your couples therapist has suggested this, and your "d"p might support. You have to do something.

Why is that?

Please stop going OP. Try to talk to the therapist individually to explain. It sounds like she is getting it though. But more than that, find a local DA agency which has counselling. They may be able to help you understand why you feel so stuck and help you get out. I am concerned by the level of helplessness you are presenting here - its understandable, but its keeping you around your abuser.

I just wanted to add that you don't need validation from anyone, I know it feels as though you do (I have been there too) but you don't. You want to be seen and believed and have someone on your side (which would also make it easier to leave.)
You are unhappy with him, you do not need any other reason to leave. Don't make it about who is right and who is wrong. You won't EVER get him to admit he is wrong and it ultimately doesn't matter.
He has worn you down so much that you feel that you couldn't cope or live without him. This is not true, it will be so much easier without him, I promise you. Leave him because you are unhappy

High qualifications don’t guarantee being decent at what you do.

Speak with Women’s Aid and domestic abuse charities. You have been let down here by social services and your couples therapist. You need to get out now.

I wholeheartedly agree with you and this is my issue. Believe it or not my degrees are in psychology and I have some counselling qualifications (not to a qualified level), people and behaviour change are my whole career.
I know exactly what he is doing. I see it all.
What I don't see is why I won't leave. I hate him. I'm so, so unhappy. Yet I can't leave. He's destroyed my self esteem and I don't know if on some level I want him to just care and move me. He makes me feel so worthless.

He blames everything on my childhood. Last week he started talking about my childhood. Be said I'm horrible to him because I'm from a split family, the way my father treated me etc. The therapist said to him that that is something for me to discuss in personal therapy if I choose to do so. She said it wasnt appropriate him bringing up something so personal.

I would if I could afford it but couples therapy costs enough! I will however re-refer for therapy through work. Although it's only 6 sessions and I need more.

This makes a huge amount of sense and you're correct. In reality the whys don't matter. It's not right and I know it.

Honestly I have been surviving by dissociation. Iev literally spend a good few months trying to switch off any feelings and functioning robotically. However having SS involved and having to attend therapy has meant I've had to re-live everything and reflect again. I'm physically ill from all the stress.
She won't talk to me individually as it's a conflict of interest. I suppose the issue with not going is that it has been requested by SS and I'm not ready to leave, so I'm unsure where it leaves us.

I’m not going to bore you with my struggles but believe me, I had to find strength when I was utterly broken on every level. No one was going to do it for me. There was no one. You will have to dig deep, stop being afraid to be alone and do it. You will NEVER improve yours or your children’s lives with that scumbag.

I know you're right. I just feel so traumatised and find it difficult when he tells people things that are untrue. I do recognise that it doesn't really matter though.

You need to get ready to leave. That’s the only solution.

That's as good as starting point as any.

I'd make a list of "baby steps" at work.

Things like:

Tell people who love you
Keep a diary of specifics (at work) relating to his behaviour
Get your passports and bank stuff out
In the interim take photos of bank stuff and passports and save photos at work for a worst case scenario
Find a way to hide away some money (maybe give it to your mum or another friend or family member you trust)
See if work could support a relocation for distance
Pack and hide a go bag
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/ has some good signposting
Think about when to tell the kids school

Have a list of passwords/social media/ location tracking you need to change once you go

Plan when is a safe time to go i.e. skip work and pick up the kids

Nobody is going to believe what that twat is saying. But the second thing you have to do is to stop giving a damn what people think of you.

Ask if she hasa colleague you could speak to alone

Then you can't stay. If you do you are complicit in abuse towards the children

What about your kids, though? You know this is awful for them, you’ve heard from people how this sort of dynamic impacted them when they were growing up. How do you not feel compelled to do something for their sake?

YES! Exactly!

Couples therapy is contraindicated when abuse is present. It can become a further tool for the abuser to use, often getting the therapist onside. The fact that you are experiencing a traumatic response after these sessions is hugely concerning. I would recommend seeking out advice from women’s aid or a local women’s centre.

I've used counselling twice in my live. Both times they were female counsellors and completely took the side of my DH. Both times'/reasons I was being abused. I wasn't allowed to speak, couldn't get a word in, being spoken over. I honestly felt more hopeless and useless than ever. Never ever again. Did it the old fashioned way in the end. Grew a back bone and left.

Agree with @Notreallybarbie1

But having said that, shouldn't a good counsellor spot that right away?