Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

[Brokenbeyondrepair1]

I know AIBU isn't the right place but posting for traffic.

If possible some sensitivity would be appreciated because I'm really struggling.

I'm in an abusive relationship. Mostly emotional/financial but I'm completely at rock bottom. I know I need to leave but I've no strength, self esteem or energy and don't want him to leave me, despite feeling traumatised. He presents as a Narcissist. I hate using this word because it's very overused, however he fulfils every characteristic.

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

However I'm struggling and don't know how to deal with sessions. I'm open and honest but everything is used against me. I effectively sit there crying, shaking and trying to dissociate because I can't cope with it. She is a good therapist and does challenge etc but I know she has to remain impartial. I just feel I'm trying to defend myself because he tells lies.
I don't even know what I want to ask at this point. I suppose if there are any couples therapists, I'd like some reassurance that you can pick up on his traits. I don't even know why it matters.
For 3 days after a session I have a headache, feel very emotional and struggle. I don't really know where to turn. I feel this process may destroy me as it will empower him.

Its not that therapists can’t or don’t take on abuse cases—it is that they can’t treat sbuse like it is a couple/communication issue. Because its not—its an abuse of power and a warping of attachment between the couple. No one should try to “mediate” it or remediate it. Its not a safe or healthy relationship. To protect both parties—the victim from being victimized and the perpetrator from committing abuse—the couple should separate.

Couples counseling also relies on a good faith effort by each party to reach an equitable and compassionate solution to problems. An abusive person can not engage in good faith. The therapist can’t make them.

I've voted yanbu because you mustn't stay with him. You have to leave, even if you think you can't. I understand it's hard, I've been there myself . But just get out. However you can. Good luck, you can do this x

sounds like you need counselling for Co-dependency.

OP please message me if you are comfortable, I can have a conversation with you.
I am a therapist, I am passionate about fighting domestic abuse and reading your post made my Blood pressure jump up.
You need your own therapy and your therapist is very very wrong to support this dynamic.
When you are wrapped up in the cycle of abuse you cannot see clearly and you believe there is no way out. I was there so talking not just from the therapist's perspective but also a woman who lived in abuse for a big part of her life.
Until I didn't and no matter how hard that was to break free, heal myself and break the patterns of abuse, it was never as hard as if I had continued on that path.
But it is very difficult to do it alone, you need support and couple therapy that empowers the abuser is unethical and plain wrong.
Please seek support, give it a try and you will see that it gets easier.
There is no such thing as being forced to go to therapy, it is plain wrong.

Then ask him why he stays

Forget therapy. Just try to make plans to seperate.

I've been in this situation. The abuser runs the show in these therapy sessions. They have no problem being charming, outwardly co-operative and empathetic, painting you as crazy, making up things to support his narrative.
As soon as i realised my therapist didnt understand what was going and joined ex in the gaslighting, i stopped it. You need to leave. You need to Grey rock and stop opening up in these sessions. It is hard, but once you do, you claim your reality back.

You are not a psychopath. Neither am i, but i was called it frequently. Still am tbh. But now i decide who i am. I am kind, funny, deep and empathetic. Take steps to leave now. Dont let him destroy you. No one understands unless theyve been through it. Even if they are therapists.

@Brokenbeyondrepair1 read the whole thread because I am in a similar position - going to couple’s counselling even though I have been in touch with Women’s Aid and others in the past about emotional abuse and anger issues.

SS aren’t involved, so it’s not exactly the same. But I understand why you feel stuck in the relationship and trapped in the counselling process. If you’re anything like me it’s because you don’t really, truly 100% trust you’re right - even though if this was about someone else you’d immediately say LTB. And places like Mumsnet are supports on the journey to actually believing it for yourself. Hopefully we’ll both get there xx