Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

[Brokenbeyondrepair1]

I know AIBU isn't the right place but posting for traffic.

If possible some sensitivity would be appreciated because I'm really struggling.

I'm in an abusive relationship. Mostly emotional/financial but I'm completely at rock bottom. I know I need to leave but I've no strength, self esteem or energy and don't want him to leave me, despite feeling traumatised. He presents as a Narcissist. I hate using this word because it's very overused, however he fulfils every characteristic.

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

However I'm struggling and don't know how to deal with sessions. I'm open and honest but everything is used against me. I effectively sit there crying, shaking and trying to dissociate because I can't cope with it. She is a good therapist and does challenge etc but I know she has to remain impartial. I just feel I'm trying to defend myself because he tells lies.
I don't even know what I want to ask at this point. I suppose if there are any couples therapists, I'd like some reassurance that you can pick up on his traits. I don't even know why it matters.
For 3 days after a session I have a headache, feel very emotional and struggle. I don't really know where to turn. I feel this process may destroy me as it will empower him.

You've only been forced into therapy, because you won't leave. Why aren't you leaving? Why haven't you asked SS for support to leave? You could lose your children, why are you playing games?

I agree with another comment - social services are viewing your relationship as toxic rather than abusive. Therapists aren't supposed to take on clients where there's abuse involved, so she's not a good therapist. Unfortunately, your partner isn't going to admit to abusing you, all he's going to do is blame you entirely for the state of your relationship. Anything you say in front of him will be used against you by him. You need to seek proper support from a DV organisation, so you can leave. You must leave in order to protect your children. Therapy on your own will help you but joint therapy hasn't a hope in hell of working. All you're doing is giving him more and more ammunition to use against you at a later date.

This is correct. The therapist is absolutely wrong to have accepted you both into the therapy. It is high risk (to you) contraindicated and unethical (of her).

Don’t bother about reporting her—that is not the issue. Tell social services and the therapist that you know you don’t believe you actually KNOW the marital relationship is abusive and demand support.

You have been gaslit by dh, social services, and the therapist long enough. I know how hard it is for you to believe yourself so get some support. Call women’s support services. Read Why Does He Do That to help diagnose the kind if abuser he is, snd stop letting him use therapy to further the abuse.

This.

Assuming ss are involved as they have concerns about your relationship and the impact it's having on your dc.

You either accept that if you want to stay in the relationship you must engage with the therapy (bat shit idea if there is abuse, why the fuck would you want to stay?) OR you leave the relationship.

Your children are at risk here. It's not about therapy it's about protecting your kids.

I’m a licensed trauma therapist in the US with 20+ years of experience and would NEVER work with any couple where domestic violence is an issue. Generally speaking, it’s not recommended for the very reasons listed in your post…the “therapy” just becomes another weapon for the abuser. If your couple’s therapist knows about the abuse I would highly question their ethics.

A good place to look for actual help is any resource, private or government sponsored, that specifically serves victims of domestic violence. Is there anything like that near you?

You can't interrupt in the sessions or at home?

Therapy with abusers is dangerous. I've sent you a PM.

This is all kinds of fucked up

Not you op
Just the situation social services have put you in.
Have you any chance or way to leave and get yourself and your kids away from him .
Plenty of people on Mumsnet will help support with that if you feel strong enough

The issue is also that OP at some point wants this man to change. She wants him to have a lightbulb moment where he decides to change.
It should be no surprise he’s nasty about you in sessions.
It is almost as if you are basing your own opinion of yourself on his opinion of you. He’s not a normal human being, he’s clearly a narcissist so expecting him to have normal human emotions is getting you nowhere.

Therapist here. She should absolutely not be working with a couple where there is abuse. At best it doesn't work and at worst it can be weaponized against you and cause harm. Please call a women's shelter or woman's aid. If children are involved this situation is serious. There are many good books on this topic and also youTube will have resources. Please get out, nobody deserves this!

So presumably then she just doesn't believe me. Fantastic.

I'm honestly a lost cause. I've spoken to the "right" people, read all the books. It makes no difference. I can't do this anymore.

What support do you need?

Social services told you to go to couple counselling because of the domestic abuse? If this is true, you need to put in a complaint immediately, because that's a horrible recommendation.
This therapist is absolutely appalling to continue with the sessions knowing you are being abused.
Please stop going. You say you don't want to leave and have therapy on your own - why not?

What makes you want to stay in the relationship, OP? How old are your kids?

Put the issues about therapy to one side for a moment, what is it about him leaving or you leaving that frightens you?

You’ve had some good advice here but ultimately, until you come to the realisation on your own that you need to leave immediately, nobody can help
you. You know you need to get out. And you need to do it before something very sinister happens.

Well presumably she doesn't think it's abuse? I don't know.
She didn't make us go, she suggested we needed to make some improvements and said if you go to relationship therapy, it'll show you're making changes. She said she'd be in touch in a few days...7 weeks ago.
SS are actually a disaster and don't care at all.

I honestly don't know WHY I won't leave. This is why I need help. I think I'm trauma bonded. Whenever we discuss his behaviour in therapy all he says is "why are you with me then". He can't answer anything and she has actually pulled him up on it. Although I still don't get an answer.

The children are 6 and 12.
This is the thing, I hate him, he's destroyed me. I don't know why I'm fearful of leaving. Partly practical reasons but I'm just tied to him , I've no self esteem left.

Have you posted about this before @Brokenbeyondrepair1? I remember a similar thread.

If you told social services you are in an abusive relationship which you want to leave and ask for help in doing so then the advice would/should not be to have couples therapy.

if it is, then you need to raise this as a significant concern.

Your children are growing up in a terrible environment, OP, and I'm wondering if you had a similar example of a dysfunctional relationship when you were growing up? You need some help to disengage from this man but it's clearly not going to be easy, and you're going to have to be really courageous. Your kids depend on you to keep them safe and to provide a healthy environment. What might be a first step towards getting your strength back?

Someone was so concerned about the impact of your relationship on your children that they made a safeguarding referral. Most professionals really don't do that lightly.

This sounds so difficult and conflicting for you OP. I get a sense of the turmoil you are feeling.
Change is scary- sometimes it is easier to stay in the situation we are in rather than face the reality of it. I hear pre contemplation of change in your messages, if only you could muster the belief in yourself that you could do it, and you could survive this. i also hear your talk of trying to move forwards, which makes me thing somewhere within you there is some hope for the future- for you and your kids.
What options do you have?
if nothing changes, what’s your biggest fear?

Call women's aid. This will not get better. That's it, sorry. No amount of sympathising is going to help. It sucks. It's unfair . If you're too tired to do it for yourself consider another 10, 15, 20 years of this on your children.

This is not the issue. You do not need her to validate your experience. You have to fight for yourself and fight to be heard. So do that.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been in a similar position. My ex had a psychotic break and the only way I could get him in front of a therapist was to book couples therapy.

He then twisted the therapy to attack me and the therapist enabled him. It was horrific.
Couples therapy with an abuser just doesn't work. They weaponise it and then twist it to suit themselves.

He'd repeatadly tell me I had no one but him, that I was a bad person, that everyone thought I was broken and I started to believe him.

You need to make plans to leave. I started writing a diary in a word doc. Just simple breakdown of each day. Then once I left I could look back at it and see how horrific things were. I could also use it for a restraining order against him as I had facts, dates etc.

I also recorded voice notes on my phone whenever he'd verbally abuse me in the house.

Make sure to change all your passwords etc.

It took a good while for the fog to lift, I was so emotionally drained and broken. But I couldnt stay on and keep exposing my son to it all.

I felt so let down by the couples counsellor. I was clearly an abused woman and she just enabled him and gave him more amo and therapy terms to continue his manipulation.

I am one of your children, some 30+ years later. My mother stayed in the marriage until I was 17. It destroyed my health and my mental wellbeing.

I understand more than most that leaving a man like this is incredibly difficult, partly because they make it feel so impossible. But it's not. The belief that it is is a false idea. It's untrue. He has put that idea in your head. It is a lie. When you say it, it's him talking, not you.

You said you don't want him to leave. I assume he threatens to and you panic and beg him not to. Don't worry. He's got no intention of going anywhere. Who would he bully if he did? Start keeping a record of his behaviour. The things he says, the things he does. If you can film without him knowing, do that. When you're ready, the police may be interested. Coercive control is a crime. What is happening in your house is illegal.

Please phone women's aid and ask them for help. You aren't ready to leave right now. That's OK. But it's time to start moving towards being ready. It is doable. YOU can do it. Baby steps.