Couples therapy in abuse...any therapists here?

[Brokenbeyondrepair1]

I know AIBU isn't the right place but posting for traffic.

If possible some sensitivity would be appreciated because I'm really struggling.

I'm in an abusive relationship. Mostly emotional/financial but I'm completely at rock bottom. I know I need to leave but I've no strength, self esteem or energy and don't want him to leave me, despite feeling traumatised. He presents as a Narcissist. I hate using this word because it's very overused, however he fulfils every characteristic.

We are having relationship therapy. This has been forced upon us for reasons I won't go into. Ultimately I know I need to leave and have individual therapy but I don't want to.

However I'm struggling and don't know how to deal with sessions. I'm open and honest but everything is used against me. I effectively sit there crying, shaking and trying to dissociate because I can't cope with it. She is a good therapist and does challenge etc but I know she has to remain impartial. I just feel I'm trying to defend myself because he tells lies.
I don't even know what I want to ask at this point. I suppose if there are any couples therapists, I'd like some reassurance that you can pick up on his traits. I don't even know why it matters.
For 3 days after a session I have a headache, feel very emotional and struggle. I don't really know where to turn. I feel this process may destroy me as it will empower him.

You should be making it clear that you are the victim of abuse. No therapist worth their salt would advocate couples therapy where abuse is concerned.

I can definitely see how therapy was going to go, even before we walked into the room. She commented today that we would both benefit from individual therapy. It won't be long before he starts with "you need therapy, the couples therapist said so. Even she could see you're abusive to me and need help for your mental health". Last session she really challenged him. She did today to an extent but he just lied more today and seemed to "play the game". As another poster highlighted; I want validation. I suppose I want someone outside of the relationship to see how things are. I wouldn't have entered back into therapy with him because I know it's completely doomed.

I really am grateful for the thoughtful posts.

I'm so sorry to hear of what you went through. It's really an eye opener to see it from the view of a child in this scenario. I know my children would ultimately be better off if we are apart.

Yes, he threatens all the time with leaving. Well he used to, then I stopped engaging and he didn't do it. Then he found something else to threaten as a form of control, then he'd threaten to withhold money for bills if I asked him for help with anything, now I'm busy constantly belittled. I think he's running out of things to blame me for and he gets caught in his lies, that's why he's so angry and constantly deflects.

It’s probably the only decent thing he’s said to you, you DO need therapy, alone, to understand why you feel so undeserving of being treated like a human being.

Start by going yourself, that has to be your first step to leaving this man.

My Mum stayed with a man just like your DH. I begged her leave for years, as a teenager I looked into housing for us the lot, I was 15 and trying harder to protect my siblings than she was. She never left, my childhood and teenage years and those of my siblings were destroyed. My Mum ultimately left just before my wedding when I was in my mid 20’s and so my wedding was ruined too.

Rightly or wrongly I blame my Mum
as much if not more than my dad for our childhood. He was incapable of protecting us and had no interest in providing a secure childhood, just ensuring my Mum stayed with him and was controlled by him. She had capacity and understanding of how wrong it all was and did NOTHING to protect us and unfairly the fact was she was the only one who could. None of her children have the relationship with her we should do as she didn’t choose us when we were kids she chose appeasing him. It goes without saying we have an even more limited relationship
with my Dad.

If you can’t leave for you leave for your DC and give them their childhood back, this upbringing will negatively impact them for life however much you think you’re protecting them.

I’m sorry OP, but you know what you need to do.

You need to leave the relationship.

I hope you find the strength, courage and confidence to get yourself out of there soon ❤

you do need therapy, therapy for your self esteem, therapy to find the strength to leave, therapy to build a new different life co-parenting.
not therapy with him.
and yes he will use the "you need therapy" card against you. but best to grey rock/ignore.
you will learn how to do that.

good luck going forward.

You're his scapegoat OP, it's what narcissists do. You are to blame for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and he is the victim. Narcissists are completely delusional and believe their own lies. Having therapy with a narcissist is always going to be a disaster as they are very convincing liars, it comes more naturally than telling the truth.

If you can't leave right now then maybe a start for you would be to go for the individual therapy. You can tell your OH that you've realised you need to fix yourself and let him think he's right about you all along - but what you're really going to fix is your self esteem so you can leave.

I’m a couples therapist - domestic abuse is a contra-indication for couples work, safety is paramount before therapy.
Please speak to Women’s Aid or suchlike. The couples therapy should end and your couples therapist could help you to has access to a bridging to safety referral.

In fairness she also said he needed therapy. However he said "well what would be the point, I don't need to change anything and I'd have nothing to say".

I was having individual therapy via work (NHS) but it was only 6 sessions. If I could afford it, then I would but the couples therapist is £75 a session, which is every week.

Do couples therapists ever work with couples where abuse is evident? Maybe she doesn't see it? At what point would a couples therapist suggest the relationship is abusive? How would they even bring it up?

Rigorous assessment and individual sessions before commencing the couples work. Any hint of domestic abuse is explored and signposted for individual work and bridging to safety for the more vulnerable partner. If it comes up during the course of the therapy then it should be managed, the couples therapy ended and a referral supported. It’s a safeguarding issue especially with children at home. Unfortunately it’s a unregulated profession and inexperienced counsellors or those without formal training in couples work and domestic abuse can be dangerous through incompetence,

@Thischarmlessgirl is exactly right about the process that should have happened. No reputable couples therapist with the right trainings would be doing this work.
I'm so sorry.
It's not your responsibility but ideally they need reporting to their registered body. Many individually trained couples therapists do a 4 day course on couples and think they've got it covered. This is simply not adequate.
For those that might read this thread later you need someone who has been trained by Relate or who is registered with the Association of Family Therapists (AFT).
Please do try and contact the domestic abuse charities to support and be open and detailed with the social work team.

Thank you for the information. I was very upset today and she did check in several times and ask if I still wanted to be in the relationship/continue.
I believe many therapists won't see couples individually and this lady doesn't.
I'm not sure where she would refer to as we already have social services involvement and this is the only reason we are there. Ultimately I know there's no point of doing to therapy with him. If have been more than happy to go if I thought it would help.
She has many years of experience and is highly qualified. She also has experience in abuse/narcissistic behaviour. I also ensured she is BACP and NCPS accredited. However I appreciate that being an unregulated profession has issues.
Ironically my background is in psychology and I also have some counselling training. It's all part of my job.

Just to say that the first couples therapist was under Relate and it was an awful experience. She was a lovely lady but could not "control" the situation at all. She let him talk/almost shout at me the whole hour and I barely spoke. She said awful things in front of her and she never once challenged it. At the end of sessions she would say "wow I need a rest after that" there was no structure, or control and it was a disaster.
The new therapist at least listens, reflects back inconsistencies and "hears" what is being said.

It’s pointless having couples therapy with your abuser. I too was one of your kids many years ago. It was awful. Affected how I saw myself and the sort of relationships I felt I deserved. You need to make a plan to get out of this situation. Can you talk to someone like women’s aid about the abuse?

OP have you considered doing the Freedom Programme?

Hi op, in therapy we would never work with a couple where there is abuse or a power imbalance as the abuse tends to play out in the room and is very damaging. I'm surprised the therapist isn't getting into this tbh. This must be awful for you.
I think you need to be careful in the sessions and make a move towards leaving when you can

I've already done it x

As a therapist, it can be hard to really grasp the dynamics of a relationship (Toxic does not always equal abuse). So it is possible that this therapist is highly skilled, trained and regulated but finding her way through what is being presented (and actually managing to challenge your partner).

I hate when SS suggest people go to therapy - therapy requires motivation, energy and insight, and many people come in just to tick a box.

You are clear there is abuse. Lots of people here are validating this and your experience. You are also clear that you lack the confidence or energy to leave - that is understandable, but staying where you are will just drain you further and damage your children.

You would be best going to a DA agency which has its own counselling - many of them do. I hope they can help you to identify ways forward for yourself outside of this horrible relationship.

You see I'm struggling now and assuming she doesn't see it or thinks I'm not telling the truth. Despite the fact he's dominating in sessions and says things that make no sense! Maybe she thinks what he says is true. This is where therapy is going to cause me further trauma.

Im so sorry to hear this and it does make me aware I need to leave for the children. It's hard when you have someone constantly belittling you and saying everything is your fault, you start to question reality.

About a dozen people have told you to contact Women’s Aid and you’ve ignored that bit. Why is that, OP?

Because I've already been in contact with them and would never go there again.

I’m having a problem here OP because you clearly have insight, you’re intelligent and you know for a fact going to therapy with him is harmful, yet here you are going round in circles. You know he’s a bastard and he’s NEVER going to change. I have a feeling this thread will run on for pages with nothing being done. Sorry if I sound harsh but if you can’t do it for yourself you will have to do it for your children. You’re making a choice to stay with him when actually, I do believe you have the strength to leave.