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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be enjoying my newborn?

226 replies

Hellskitchen24 · 12/06/2025 13:47

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

OP posts:
leftliberal · 13/06/2025 09:37

Bed sharing made a huge difference for me, here's some guidance on safety: llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven

TealScroller · 13/06/2025 09:37

Oh and as for this breastfeeding question, I bottle fed 2 of mine and exclusively breastfed my last. I noticed zero difference in the amount of times any of them woke up during the night, I even tried giving my breastfed DD a bottle of formula at one point to get her to sleep longer at night but it made zero difference. If you're happy breastfeeding then carry on or don't, there's been no difference for my 3 in their health and they're ages 6-19 now.

TiredMame · 13/06/2025 09:40

Honestly I would just transition to FF. I struggled exactly like you for my first and my second went straight to FF. no issues with either. You are carrying the load yourself so don’t feel bad about doing what’s best for your MH too.
I remember with my first the struggle, pumping and just having to be trapped all the time put me in a very bad space

TaraRhu · 13/06/2025 22:52

Totally normal. I literally felt nothing but exhaustion for the first 6?weeks. It WILL get better. Once they start smiling you at least get something back.

Is there someone that could come and take the baby for a walk for an hour or so? I found even microscopic reminders of past freedom help!
Good luck.

Catladywithoutacat · 13/06/2025 22:55

It gets better.

Twelftytwo · 14/06/2025 00:39

Just to add, my xH was absolutely no use at all, made me feel worse! So you're not necessarily worse off doing it alone!

girljulian · 14/06/2025 00:43

Oh dear. Sounds awful. You don't have to breastfeed, you know!

MixedBananas · 14/06/2025 00:50

I had a difficlult first baby and I didn't start to enjoy being a mother until DS1 was 12 weeks old. I exerpinced what your did and i learnt to get through it I had to acceot the process. We barely left the house as he was so unhappy. I turned to some experts. IBCLC and a paediatrician (with 8 kids of his own) called Dr Bill Sears https://www.askdrsears.com/about-us/meet-the-sears/
Very understanding approach to parenting difficukt babies as he calls him High needs. Keep away from sleep consultants if you wwnt to save your sanity. I nearly went mad.

Meet the Sears' - Ask Dr Sears | The Trusted Resource for Parents

Meet the Sears' and learn about their medical backgrounds. Dr Bill, Dr. Jim, Martha, Dr. Bob and Dr. Pete.

https://www.askdrsears.com/about-us/meet-the-sears/

MixedBananas · 14/06/2025 00:54

TealScroller · 13/06/2025 09:37

Oh and as for this breastfeeding question, I bottle fed 2 of mine and exclusively breastfed my last. I noticed zero difference in the amount of times any of them woke up during the night, I even tried giving my breastfed DD a bottle of formula at one point to get her to sleep longer at night but it made zero difference. If you're happy breastfeeding then carry on or don't, there's been no difference for my 3 in their health and they're ages 6-19 now.

I worked for Cow and Gate and the dietiticans always clear that Breast milk is best. And yes that using FF is not going to make a baby so x,y and Z. We attended a presentation where they did a massive talk on FF snd BF and even though they make Formula they were massive advocates for BF and the science of it. I learnt so much and promised to BF my babies if I can produce BM. That's what I did.

StretchyPants1988 · 14/06/2025 03:29

Totally normal. People just don't talk about it. My close friends and family all found the newborn phase traumatic. So did I. They sleep a lot, but not in big chunks, not when you want them to and only ON you.

I was hallucinating from sleep deprivation. Like, really seeing things.

I'm apalled at the number of people here suggesting formula. It really isn't the answer. Especially if you're on your own. But British people mostly don't know any better than suggesting formula for any baby related problems.

TheBig50 · 14/06/2025 03:47

Switch to formula, it will leave baby more full and you feeling less cow like.
I did at 2 weeks. I've one late 20s - 6'4, born at 10lbs 😭 so I hear you about the weight! (I was on my own with him from 4 months). My other is a beautiful, intelligent, arsey late teen. Nice. I was on my own with her from 3 weeks and people may disagree, but it was so much easier on my own without abusive partner.
Force your self out with that travel system that no doubt cost ££!
Babies get knocked out by fresh air, it's like a GA to them.
Get home, leave baby sleeping in the perambulator (?). Get head down.

Houses are messy, who gives a shit? Not baby.

I hope you haven't updated @Hellskitchen24 because you've been kipping and can't be doing with replying to 100s of posts.

This too shall pass!

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/06/2025 04:22

You are in the trenches and it does get better. I also breastfed on demand. I tried to give her formula so I could get a break but she absolutely refused the bottle. (I already had plenty of experience bottle feeding babies so I knew what I was doing). I had also tried expressing but it was a lot of hard work for such a tiny amount that I really didn’t want to try it again.

Some things that helped me:

A book called the Wonder Weeks became my lifeline. It helped me to connect with not only the authors expertise but the real life anecdotes from other parents.

https://thewonderweeks.com/order-the-wonder-weeks-united-kingdom/

Some other things that helped me was to ignore unsolicited advice and just do what worked for me and baby.

I first used a sling but I found it uncomfortable. I have a back injury that makes things hard. I switched it for a baby carrier. So much more comfortable for me and had better support for my baby.

Binge watched favourite tv shows while breastfeeding. Surrounded myself with cushions to make me comfortable, set up coffee table with snacks and plenty of water and snuggled into the couch and fed baby.

Give yourself breaks. Put baby in a safe place like their cot and leave them for 10 minutes or so and go have a cup of tea and sit outside for some fresh air. Or have a 10 minute shower or something that you like. Even if baby is crying. They will be fine as long as you’re not leaving them crying for a long time.

If you are not getting any sleep, can you afford a part time nanny to look after baby while you get some sleep? Even better, do you have friends or family that you can trust to look after baby while you get some sleep?

Grab your own copy of The Wonder Weeks

Dive into the Wonder Weeks of your baby! Do you prefer a book, the app, the audiobook? Or do you just want to know and have it all…

https://thewonderweeks.com/order-the-wonder-weeks-united-kingdom/

PizzaSophiaLoren · 14/06/2025 04:35

The first twelve weeks are hard. My advice is not to resist, just give in and accept that this is it for the time being.
Try a dummy, formula at night, rides in the car, long walks in the pushchair. Go to a breast feeding clinic for support - you might make some great new mum friends who are also in the midst of newborn shenanigans.

Sayshesheshe · 14/06/2025 04:35

Don’t give up breastfeeding if it’s working! All formula will do is add in the faff of cleaning and sterilising bottles.

I couldn’t understand why people were like enjoy the newborn cuddles and catch up on a box set because mine was nothing like that! One night she wed awake 12-6am and I almost lost my mind.

I’d recommend getting out for an hours walk every day, wearing her in a fabric wrap sling in the house (10lbs really isn’t that much, mine is 11ish and I still put her in the carrier to go out).

it took me 4 months to actually see the light and enjoy the baby.

Delphinium20 · 14/06/2025 04:38

All of this is normal. It read exactly like my babies.

Best advice: it's okay if your house isn't clean. Feed baby, feed yourself, sleep when baby sleeps.

This won't last forever. This is a very hard time.

Can you get help? Like a friend to hold baby while you shower?

It gets better, but 'enjoying your baby' is some Instagram myth. It's HARD. But you do love them more than anything.

YankSplaining · 14/06/2025 05:15

I was briefly hospitalized for postpartum depression and then spent six weeks in an intensive outpatient program, and one thing all of the counselors stressed was that it’s okay to not enjoy every phase of your child’s life. If you don’t really like the whole newborn stage, that’s okay. Just the sleep deprivation part of having a newborn is hell in and of itself, IMO.

YankSplaining · 14/06/2025 05:18

Sayshesheshe · 14/06/2025 04:35

Don’t give up breastfeeding if it’s working! All formula will do is add in the faff of cleaning and sterilising bottles.

I couldn’t understand why people were like enjoy the newborn cuddles and catch up on a box set because mine was nothing like that! One night she wed awake 12-6am and I almost lost my mind.

I’d recommend getting out for an hours walk every day, wearing her in a fabric wrap sling in the house (10lbs really isn’t that much, mine is 11ish and I still put her in the carrier to go out).

it took me 4 months to actually see the light and enjoy the baby.

“Working” for who? If breastfeeding is a detriment to a mother’s health - physical or mental - it’s perfectly fine to quit. I say this as someone who literally ended up in a psych ward (voluntarily) because I refused to quit breastfeeding even though it made me feel miserable and isolated.

cannynotsay · 14/06/2025 05:40

I have a wonderful parents and felt the same. It’s the breastfeeding, I have a toddler who was the same as a new born it left me feeling suicidal and with PPD, for your own mental health think about putting baby on formula. There’s no shame in it. Wish I did, I won’t be nursing again second time round. It’s relentless. I feel for you x

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/06/2025 05:48

As for formula feeding vs breastfeeding it is equally ok to not want to or can’t do either one of them. Do what works for you and your baby.

I also want to say pp saying it’s ok not to enjoy every moment of your baby are right. Someone tried to shame me once for not staring adoringly at my newborn while she breastfed as if somehow that equated to not caring about my baby. WTF! By the way my baby is primary school age now and we love each other very much. We have a close bond but that doesn’t mean we don’t irritate each other sometimes or want a break from each other.

Poppins2016 · 14/06/2025 05:54

Newborns come in all shapes and sizes. Some are high needs and really tricky (therefore hard to enjoy). Some are unicorns who sleep and nap well (easier to enjoy).

I'm a mum of 3.
I have endured the high needs variety of newborn that you appear to have. That was extremely hard and gave me PND: partly due to expectations vs reality (and just how damn hard it was) and partly due to thinking that my parenting was failing/that I was failing to cope when everyone else seems to sail through. I had no idea (because I had no experience to compare to) that my baby was much more "difficult" than most newborns and that I honestly wasn't doing anything wrong at all. I literally couldn't put him down and he had to sleep on me/touching me at all times. He wouldn't happily be held by anyone else, even DH. I had very little break and it felt like torture even though I loved him (such conflicting emotions). I always wanted a close gap between my babies but there's a longer gap than anticipated because I just couldn't face being pregnant/having a newborn again so soon.

I've also had a pretty average baby. That experience was much easier/enjoyable and actually very healing, because I could see that it wasn't anything that I did with the first baby, it was simply luck of the draw. There's a smaller gap between my last two children, because it was easier!

My final baby was some kind of magical enjoyable unicorn baby. My maternity leave was genuinely enjoyable at every stage. Incredibly content, slept pretty well (not through the night, but easy to settle), napped well, an absolute dream.

My parenting approach with all 3 babies has been exactly the same (albeit adapted to individual needs/personality). People have said that my last baby must have been easier due to experience/being relaxed because I know what I'm doing, but I think that's a load of nonsense. Of course I was relaxed due to knowing what I was doing/what to expect... but that won't affect personality or the type of baby you get. My babies were all very clearly different in personality/needs right from the get go, without external influence. If I had experienced my final "unicorn" baby (or even my average baby) first, it would have been a game changer. Similarly, if I had experienced my first baby last, it would have been a huge shock.

I'm basically including these experiences because I wanted to highlight that every newborn and every experience, even if the mother is the same, is totally different. Some people genuinely do find the newborn days amazing and enjoy them, but others don't, for many reasons/factors, and that's ok. You're not missing something or failing. Not all newborns are the same (and not all mothers are the same!). I made myself miserable comparing my experience with others and thinking I was failing with my first, when I can see now that I wasn't comparing "like with like"; my newborn was simply really hard to deal with compared with friends babies.

Tips and tricks...

Sod the housework, get a cleaner if your budget allows. If your budget doesn't allow, just drop your standards. This phase won't last forever and you need to prioritise where you spend your energy.

Get out of the house. Prioritise seeing people for your sanity (if that's what helps you). Don't become too "nap trapped" (either now or down the line)... routines and naps are somewhat important, but so is balancing your mental health and making sure you're doing what you need so that you can recharge enough to give your baby what they need. If that means you sometimes end up waking baby to go to a group/for coffee with someone, that's ok.

Prioritise activities that you like doing. E.g. if you don't like baby sensory (I hated it), that's fine (if you love it and you both enjoy it, great!). Babies get all the excitement and stimulation they need from you/daily activities. I really liked baby massage, mother and baby yoga, plus traditional village hall style playgroups where you could have a cuppa and chat.
I also liked just doing my own thing. Coffee shops, cinema (baby friendly screenings), shopping, meals/pub with friends, National Trust outings, walks... Once you're actually out of the house, the day often seems easier because there are distractions for both you and baby (caveat, you're still in the extremely early days, so give it time for it to feel easier to be out of the house... for now, binge watching TV might be easier, but I promise there's a point where it shifts).

I'll echo everyone else who has said to "lean in" to accepting that this newborn phase is incredibly hard. Go much, much easier on yourself. It might help if you compare it to being unwell and seeing it as a period of recuperation. Your body is recovering, hormones out of whack, you're sleep deprived and learning how to parent a tiny baby. No wonder it's physically and emotionally hard! Prioritise yourself and whatever you need to get through it until it gets easier (which it will).

mrssunshinexxx · 14/06/2025 05:57

Learn to feed with one arm or in the sling then you aren’t stuck on the sofa. Make sure the sling you have 1 is decent and 2 is fit properly if so it shouldn’t feel like you are lugging anything around it should be super comfortable

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/06/2025 06:08

Poppins2016 · 14/06/2025 05:54

Newborns come in all shapes and sizes. Some are high needs and really tricky (therefore hard to enjoy). Some are unicorns who sleep and nap well (easier to enjoy).

I'm a mum of 3.
I have endured the high needs variety of newborn that you appear to have. That was extremely hard and gave me PND: partly due to expectations vs reality (and just how damn hard it was) and partly due to thinking that my parenting was failing/that I was failing to cope when everyone else seems to sail through. I had no idea (because I had no experience to compare to) that my baby was much more "difficult" than most newborns and that I honestly wasn't doing anything wrong at all. I literally couldn't put him down and he had to sleep on me/touching me at all times. He wouldn't happily be held by anyone else, even DH. I had very little break and it felt like torture even though I loved him (such conflicting emotions). I always wanted a close gap between my babies but there's a longer gap than anticipated because I just couldn't face being pregnant/having a newborn again so soon.

I've also had a pretty average baby. That experience was much easier/enjoyable and actually very healing, because I could see that it wasn't anything that I did with the first baby, it was simply luck of the draw. There's a smaller gap between my last two children, because it was easier!

My final baby was some kind of magical enjoyable unicorn baby. My maternity leave was genuinely enjoyable at every stage. Incredibly content, slept pretty well (not through the night, but easy to settle), napped well, an absolute dream.

My parenting approach with all 3 babies has been exactly the same (albeit adapted to individual needs/personality). People have said that my last baby must have been easier due to experience/being relaxed because I know what I'm doing, but I think that's a load of nonsense. Of course I was relaxed due to knowing what I was doing/what to expect... but that won't affect personality or the type of baby you get. My babies were all very clearly different in personality/needs right from the get go, without external influence. If I had experienced my final "unicorn" baby (or even my average baby) first, it would have been a game changer. Similarly, if I had experienced my first baby last, it would have been a huge shock.

I'm basically including these experiences because I wanted to highlight that every newborn and every experience, even if the mother is the same, is totally different. Some people genuinely do find the newborn days amazing and enjoy them, but others don't, for many reasons/factors, and that's ok. You're not missing something or failing. Not all newborns are the same (and not all mothers are the same!). I made myself miserable comparing my experience with others and thinking I was failing with my first, when I can see now that I wasn't comparing "like with like"; my newborn was simply really hard to deal with compared with friends babies.

Tips and tricks...

Sod the housework, get a cleaner if your budget allows. If your budget doesn't allow, just drop your standards. This phase won't last forever and you need to prioritise where you spend your energy.

Get out of the house. Prioritise seeing people for your sanity (if that's what helps you). Don't become too "nap trapped" (either now or down the line)... routines and naps are somewhat important, but so is balancing your mental health and making sure you're doing what you need so that you can recharge enough to give your baby what they need. If that means you sometimes end up waking baby to go to a group/for coffee with someone, that's ok.

Prioritise activities that you like doing. E.g. if you don't like baby sensory (I hated it), that's fine (if you love it and you both enjoy it, great!). Babies get all the excitement and stimulation they need from you/daily activities. I really liked baby massage, mother and baby yoga, plus traditional village hall style playgroups where you could have a cuppa and chat.
I also liked just doing my own thing. Coffee shops, cinema (baby friendly screenings), shopping, meals/pub with friends, National Trust outings, walks... Once you're actually out of the house, the day often seems easier because there are distractions for both you and baby (caveat, you're still in the extremely early days, so give it time for it to feel easier to be out of the house... for now, binge watching TV might be easier, but I promise there's a point where it shifts).

I'll echo everyone else who has said to "lean in" to accepting that this newborn phase is incredibly hard. Go much, much easier on yourself. It might help if you compare it to being unwell and seeing it as a period of recuperation. Your body is recovering, hormones out of whack, you're sleep deprived and learning how to parent a tiny baby. No wonder it's physically and emotionally hard! Prioritise yourself and whatever you need to get through it until it gets easier (which it will).

Edited

Everything @Poppins2016 wrote. I love what you wrote and can completely relate. 💖

Sugargliderwombat · 14/06/2025 06:13

I remember with my first I felt like something was wrong with how much he fed and cried. People sniggered about how hard I was finding it, 'wait until they're [insert range of development stages]'. Had the second and he was the exact same for the first night BUT I was in hospital. Turns out he had a tongue tie and when we went tonget it sorted I spoke about my first and they told me it's very common for people not to be listened to.

I'd take him to a private feeding consultant if you can (mine was a donation clinic run so if you can find one of those may not be too expensive !).

wordywitch · 14/06/2025 09:00

YankSplaining · 14/06/2025 05:18

“Working” for who? If breastfeeding is a detriment to a mother’s health - physical or mental - it’s perfectly fine to quit. I say this as someone who literally ended up in a psych ward (voluntarily) because I refused to quit breastfeeding even though it made me feel miserable and isolated.

Where in the OP did she say she wasn’t wanting to breastfeed or that that was the sole part she was finding difficult? She is a single mother with little support who is finding the flipping of her life upside down and sleep deprivation difficult, which is true of pretty much all new parents regardless of how they are feeding their babies. The OP needs more in person support and reassurance that it will get better, not to be told that breastfeeding is to blame for all of her problems and feelings.

So many people take out their own breastfeeding difficulties on other women here. Just because it didn’t work out for someone doesn’t mean no one else should try! I despair at how unsupportive other women are of those who want to breastfeed.

PollyIndia · 14/06/2025 09:11

I am a lone parent too, and I also didn't enjoy the newborn phase. But it got loads easier at 12 weeks. I pushed on with breastfeeding, and in hindsight, I wish I'd just done formula at bedtime. I would go to bed at the same time as him and co-sleep. I also went back to work when he was 6 weeks as I didn't want to lose the contract I had, so that was an extra level of tricky. But did mean I got a nanny at 12 weeks, 2 days a week, and that meant I could go express and do yoga as part of my work day, so at least 1 thing for myself. You say you have support - are they helping you by cooking for you, maybe watching the baby while you have a shower? I worked out I got 20 mins of him being happy in the bouncer when I could shower at 9am, and if I missed that window, I was done for the day - it takes time to work out a routine that works for you. It's hard, but it passes.

I've always been on my own with DS, and he's now 12, and a total joy. There's always challenging bits but the lovely bits just get lovelier and lovelier from 12 weeks. Hang in there, it will get better xx

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