To not be enjoying my newborn?

[Hellskitchen24]

I’m almost 4 weeks post partum and really struggling with my newborn and my life now. I’m a single mum by choice, so before I get rude comments about how I wanted this, yes I know. I knew it would be harder without a partner, but there are no guarantees where they are concerned either. Plus as someone exclusively breast feeding and the fact that a partner would be at work all day anyway, I think I would still be feeling like this, so please don’t have a go at me for that.

I feel like a human cow. Baby is breast feeding on demand which could be an every few hours or every few minutes. My life is basically sitting on the sofa with her feeding, or trying to pacify her when she’s crying (which can be for hours). The cute little “wake windows” other parents seem to get don’t apply here; she’s an either feeding or crying. There is no middle ground. I’m lucky to get a couple of 20 minute naps throughout the day out of her, which is my window to do a few things around the house. The house is a tip. Any “me time” (by that I mean going to the loo or eating) is hurried so quickly because I am anticipating the next wake up. I’ve literally choked on my food/drink I have tried or inhale it so fast and I’m not exaggerating. If she’s not completely zonked I have a window of about 2 minutes of putting her down before she starts screaming.

She is not refluxy at all and has never been sick. Poos regularly so is not constipated.

I do have a sling but she’s not massively keen on it and lugging a 10lb baby around isn’t easy. I do use it though as again that’s a window to try and do a bit around the house.

Afternoons/evenings are witching hour; when she starts screaming despite having all her needs met. Then she becomes overly tired and it takes hours for her to settle. Yesterday I’m not joking when I say she was mostly awake from 2pm to 11pm. She literally fights the sleep. Someone told me newborns sleep for 16 hours a day. I wish! Overnight I can get at least a couple of 2 hour sleep windows out of her so that’s probably the only saving grace. I’m so chronically sleep deprived though I feel like a shell of myself.

I am finding the transition of going from complete independence, being a working professional that has adult conversations, travelling, etc, to this so hard. I look at people who tell me they’ve loved every second of this “magical” time like they have two heads. What am I missing? I absolutely adore my daughter of course, but I am not discovering what is magical about the constant screaming/changing/feeding. I’m sure the “it gets better” thing is true, but how can I enjoy her more now? I keep asking myself what I’m doing wrong and whether I’m just a shit mother and that’s why she seems so non content.

It’s a beautiful day now and I’d love to just sit in the garden with her but there is no point as she will just start fussing. Likewise in the pram. So I’m just stuck here on the sofa.

Any tips, hints, or solidarity appreciated. Even if your newborn was the best thing ever then I want to hear it and what you did that made you feel that way. Do I need to lower my expectations? Just accept that sitting on the sofa and doing very little until she grows and does a bit more is my life now And please DONT have a go at me for the single mum by choice bit; I do have lots of support and I’m really lucky like that. Baby will never go without and is very loved by many. I’m incredibly lucky.

totally normal, but I know it doesn’t help to hear it!!

im on baby 2 and the life saver this time round has been noise cancelling headphones or AirPods for those times when all baby’s needs are met and they’re still screaming anyway. You’ve done everything you can, there is no point being able to hear the screams while you rock / cuddle them. Audiobooks and podcasts have saved my sanity.

Are you getting all her WIND up?
my first was like this but I’d only wind her for 3 minutes.
My second ( different dad) my dh would wind him for well over 30 minutes- used to do 4 plus hours from birth.

It’s not you. Newborn are hard, really hard and you get very little back. Then just when you’re about to give in they start smiling or doing something cute to make sure you don’t drown them (I am joking here). I would say try not to be confined to the sofa, sit in the garden instead (baby won’t notice the difference but you will). Go for those walks, I always felt better when I got some fresh air and spoke to some other humans even if just getting a takeaway coffee. I’d say lean into it a bit more (easier said than done I know). It really does get better (not easier just better) with some time when she’s bigger. Also, the “just give formula” isn’t necessarily going to make her sleep or settle longer, plenty of babies who are formula fed still have the same fussing and then you have bottles to clean and sterilise too!

Solidarity
I hated the newborn phase, and had similar feelings to you OP about breastfeeding. I'll be honest and say it needed more than a few weeks for me to enjoy parenting, but once they hit one everything was much better. I've loved being a parent of toddlers, school aged kids, and now great hulking teens.

And a big yes to earphones. Second time around I realized that I couldn't always stop them from crying, but if I had a decent podcast or easy audiobook in one ear while I held them then at least it was a bit less soul destroying.

Even with a partner, having a newborn is very hard. I’m not sure how much we enjoyed it! Get help if you can so you can take a break and do something for yourself. And remember this is just a phase, it does get better.

I think you’re amazing for doing this as a single mum!

Sorry OP it is hard and I have been in your shoes. I didn’t love it either.

Firstly bottle feeding isn’t easier especially as you are on your own. You don’t need the additional faff of washing and sterilising bottles. You have to get up to feed anyway so just keep doing what you are doing. Plus you don’t need to deal with change in feeding and the possible effects on baby.

If you can take the baby out. Sunlight helps with the circadian rhythm thing. That did help me and my first would be like yours - awake from midday to early morning.

The other thing that helped? Stopping trying to put the baby down to sleep and stressing yourself trying to get them to sleep. For my second when I went to their sleep schedule and just held them while watching tv it was much easier.

Don't worry about your house. You are prioritising the right things.

I really found I had to mourn my single life (but I had a hubby). It was the relentlessness that was so hard. The lurch was senior professional to complete mess was jarring for me.

As others have said swaddling can help.

It does get better even if it feels
like you are in difficult place now. Know that what you are experiencing is normal and as time goes on baby’s tummy gets bigger and they eat more and sleep longer. Good luck!

Sigh.
Formula doesn't make the baby sleep better. I don't think anyone suggested it it.

It IS easier on the mum, much much easier. Feeds are often shorter so the nights are easier in that sense.
Other people can help with feeding. That makes a massive difference.

So if someone is struggling with BF and finding it's sacking the life out of them, it needs to be raised as a possibility.

I'm absolutely appalled at those of you piling on the guilt suggesting it would be awful to drop BF. Fed is best.

Nobody is pushing the OP to do anything apart from those of you piling on the guilt about BF. You're the biggest part of the problem. Shame on you. It was people like you that made my experience difficult - you just can't help it with the self-righteous, simplistic pontificating.

The OP can do as she wishes. All the best yo her.

Reach out to RL people if you can. Me and dh were a mess for about 4 months and that was 2 of us. You are doing great and it's hard going. If you feel baby is very unsettled speak to the GP perhaps reflux or tongue tie

I agree.

I also never understand what all this ''faffing'' is about. I found it a breeze to formula feed and though I still didn't enjoy the newborn stage, it made it bearable. My bottles sterilised in the microwave in minutes and the perfect prep did all of the work for me.

Others being able to feed the baby was the best part.

Don't pander to cluster feeding!?! Wtff!?! It's literally normal and necessary, it's how milk supply is increased and it happens because the baby is bloody hungry!!!

Earphones and bassinet, no need to be attached!?! Bloody hell!

OP, please don't listen to this barbaric advice. If you want to keep breast feeding, you have to cluster feed, it's not forever and your baby wants to be with you because you're their mother and they are vulnerable on their own. It's normal for a baby to be upset being left on their own. Feed and cuddle your baby, don't leave them feeling abandoned or hungry!

It's totally ok to feel like you do, it's normal. It's got to be bloody hard on your own, I wouldn't have managed without my husband.

I loved every minute of my baby being a newborn and that's because we were always out. I had her in the sling for hours everyday and I was out walking with friends or chilling out in the fields with my horse. Baby loves the sling because it's warm, next to mum and safe and they sleep really well in there. It will get you your freedom and peace and quiet. If worn properly carrying a 10 pound baby in a sling isn't hard at all. My baby is now a 25 pound toddler and I still muck out, groom my horse and do the hay and feed runs with her on my back in a back carrier now she's old enough for one. She giggles at the horses the entire time, she can't run off, I know where she is but I'm also free to do what I want and she just comes with me. We're out enjoying the fresh air together and life is dandy. Slings are a lifesaver if you get it right, try your local sling library to see if you can get one that really works for you. It will change your life I promise.

The "faffing" is about giving your baby the best start in life because breast feeding is important for their immunity and future gut health. It has things that can't be replicated in formula.

If you don't care about that, fine. But let's not pretend it's not important and it's not to be scoffed at that some mums actually want to do that for their baby.

Formula doesn't make the baby sleep better. I don't think anyone suggested it it.

Many, many people did if you read the thread.

It IS easier on the mum, much much easier.

In your opinion, based on your own experience. It’s hardly a fact, as you’re trying to frame it.

Other people can help with feeding.

She’s a single mum with seemingly little support on hand. So who is going to feeding the baby and making up and cleaning all the bottles? Her.

I'm absolutely appalled at those of you piling on the guilt suggesting it would be awful to drop BF.

The only people pressuring and guilting the OP (who never said she wanted to stop BF or was even thinking about it) are the ‘formula is magical’ brigade. If she’d asked for opinions on whether stopping BF would make things easier for her then I’d have no problem with people suggesting it and sharing their own experiences. But she didn’t, so those suggesting it are no better than a BF mum telling a formula feeding mum who is struggling to bond with her baby to give BF a go as it’s wonderful for bonding. It’s just not helpful and would 100% be shouted down.

The faffing I'm talking about is those who constantly say that formula feeding is a faff. I wasn't saying that breastfeeding is a faff.

Lets not pretend that a mothers mental health doesn't matter. The pressure to breastfeeding at all costs or you're a failure is damaging.

Who is pretending mothers mental health doesn't matter?

Your previous post implies that women who don’t breast feed don’t care about giving their babies the best start in life. That’s not going to help the mental health of a non breast feeding new mother, is it?

Look. Lots of parents don't care about what they're feeding their kids at any point in life. Weaned on nothing but jars and pouches then fed chicken nuggets and chips until they're ten. They clearly don't care about giving them the best nutritional start. To pretend everyone cares and pointing out that this feeding method is not best or equal to being weaned on vegetables and whole foods because it might upset someone is silly.

If that is the case and they don't care about nutrition, they can own it. Just say it out loud, convenience is more important to me than my child's nutrition. Because it's true.

A mother who wanted to breastfeed because they know it's the best for their baby but couldn't for whatever reason (me included because my baby couldn't latch, I pumped and bottle fed for four months, it drained the will to live from me so I stopped) haven't made that choice have they. The choice was taken from them. No need to feel bad, no guilt, you tried and couldn't. No Biggie. Because mothers mental health is important.

But if you're going to brag that convenience is more important than nutrition, like posters here are doing, then own it and don't try to pretend there are no benefits of breast milk over formula.

Being unable to breast feed and choosing your mental health is a vastly different issue to just straight up choosing to formula feed for ease because you genuinely believe formula and breast milk are equal or that it doesn't matter. Don't conflate the two.

Your previous comment.

As I said, formula feeding made the newborn stage bearable. Of course I care about nutrition but I also care about my mental health.

Thanks for proving so comprehensively that you don’t actually give a shit about a new mother’s mental health. All of that must be such a comfort to new mothers (of whom I know two) whose babies are allergic to their milk. As if knowing that you’re literally poisoning your baby isn’t bad enough you get judged by other mothers.

No. Stating that breastfeeding is worth the effort because it is better nutrition than formula feeding is not "pretending" it is more important than mothers mental health. People just say it is because they are offended. It is simply true.

Many posters here saying that the OP shouldn't bother with breastfeeding because formula is just as good. It isn't. She also hasn't said she wants to stop breastfeeding or is struggling with it. She may want to continue breast feeding and if she does she needs support to do so, not a bunch of posters saying they don't know why she is bothering. Hence my comment that posters shouldn't be making out that formula is just as good and breastfeeding is a waste of effort.

I clearly misunderstood your post as 'why are you faffing about with breastfeeding, formula feeding is easier.'

Thank you for confirming you haven't understood what I said.

A mother who wanted to breastfeed because they know it's the best for their baby but couldn't for whatever reason (me included because my baby couldn't latch, I pumped and bottle fed for four months, it drained the will to live from me so I stopped) haven't made that choice have they. The choice was taken from them. No need to feel bad, no guilt, you tried and couldn't. No Biggie. Because mothers mental health is important.

I have copied it here so you can read it again. Note the underlined parts. I have lived the experience of being unable to breast feed. There is no shame in not being able to. I feel no guilt. I didn't choose convenience over nutrition, I didn't get a choice. Your friends also don't have a choice so have nothing to feel guilty for.

Damn right I will judge parents who don't even try and just choose convenience over nutrition.

She also may be doing it because she feel like she has to or it would make her a failure. Truth is, we don't actually know because she hasn't come back. She sounds like she is struggling with breastfeeding to me from what she has said in the OP and it's perfectly ok if it has become too much for her.

Mine is insanely clean and efficient. Doesn't need burping, no trapped wind, isn't ever sick and is only getting slightly dribble now at 3 months. He gets hiccups about once a day. If he has a bottle, he drinks so fast I'm surprised he doesn't go blue and sometimes he sucks faster than he swallows so leaks a bit. He still doesn't sick up or seem to get windy! I can't ever have a second, this one's too easy!

No we don't know. Nobody has actually asked they just told her to give up.

It sounded like she's struggling with the lack of sleep and crying to me. Which won't improve at all by giving breast feeding up unless the baby is hungry because there's a feeding problem.

It's perfectly fine to give up if it's become too much for her, but if she wants to breast feed, she needs support to do so, not pages and pages of people telling her not to bother and just formula feed.