To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

The first signs of the antics at his mother’s house, then he’s out! Your house, your rules.

The only logical solution is that your DP moves out and finds accommodation for himself and his son to ‘support’ him. Can’t inflict all this drama on 3 younger kids when his own MOTHER finds it unsafe to deal with.

His mum can't just "wash his hands off him". You don't have the room so he needs to stay where he is.

It’s not his house. If he doesn’t like it he can fuck off.

Good solution, especially if son starts acting up.

Oh, I don’t disagree - as I said, I think DP and DSS moving out is the best of a bunch of shit options. Clearly DSS could stay on the sofa for another couple of weeks until exams are done if there was going to be a room share arrangement.

My point was that it was too simplistic for some posters to say that DSS and DS2 sharing was “the same” as DS1 and DS2 sharing, because for DS2, the latter would be better.

I think your DSS shouldn’t move in at all!! Your som is doing exams and you have young impressionable children who need stability.

This is your house.

Your husband can move out now and if he wants to provide his loser son with his own room then he can rent an apartment or a flat somewhere.

I would put forward to DP the suggestion that if DSS so desperately needs his own space and it’s all ‘only temporary’ then he can pay for a hotel or air b&b for him. Totally unfair to deprive the 18 year old who lives there full time of his own space just because the stepson has been a shit to his own mother and isn’t welcome there.

You cannot risk the safety of your 2 young children. Tell DP he has a week to find alternative accommodation for or with his son.

Of course she can. He’s 19, she’s not obliged to house him, and sounds like she’s been the RP for at least 11 years.

Perfectly said!

If that drug taking loser moves in he will destroy everyone’s peace in that house. The OP’s boyfriend needs to move out and house his loser son himself and pay child support for the children who live with the OP.

Where does he do his gaming all day?

"He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. "

If his own mom doesn't to feel safe with him in the home, why would you? You have minors in your home.

Partner could leave and rent a place for he and his son. That's how strongly I would feel about kicking your son who is in school and studying for exams out of your house so his son who has fucked up so badly his own mom won't have him in her home can have his own room in your house. Your stepson is in the finding out phase and your partner's trying to make that easier at your children's expense and yours.

It's your house so prioritise your children- if he doesn't like it he can get somewhere for himself and and his son...

You both only started living together three years ago because DP was having so much trouble with his ex and son. You cracked on raising the children mostly alone, this is your DC’s main home, Your partner is yet again, having trouble with his ex and son and his first thought is that your son, should give up his room in order so his older son can move in. He is letting his ex and son’s problems rule the house of yours, your children’s would be better off if your DP moved out taking that son of his with him. I wonder if he’d be as keen to accommodate his son if he was the one who had to do all the sacrificing.

He's an adult, so of course she can. Let's face it, sounds like she's done the vast majority up to now. It's DP's turn to step up, but he needs to find a way to do that that doesn't come at the expense of the OP and her other kids. A flat for him and DSS sounds like the best option.

Another vote for DP to move out with DSS so they can have a place together and DSS can have full attention and get back on track. Peace is restored to your place.

Doing a bit of maths, OP’s partner has been messing around in second relationships, fathering two more children and not facing his responsibilities to any of his offspring for the last 10+ years.
Even in the last 3, he’s only been paying bills, maybe doing some childcare (they’re school age now and don’t need much).
And now he wants to move his irresponsible, work shy, violent, weed smoking, destructive thief of a manchild (sounds familiar) into the nest and is accusing OP of favouring HER children.

The answer is clear: NO to both. Go and deal with YOUR problem child, leaving the successful and vulnerable ones to me.

There is no marriage, no joint mortgage, no legal leg for him to stand on.

Just to re-highlight

You are willingly letting an adult male, known to partake in theft, drugs, physical violence and had police involvement for sexual assault live in your home with your two younger children.

The fact he's your step son doesn't matter. If your friend told you she was letting someone with those characteristics live in their house with their kids would you be fine with it? If social services got wind of it they would be involved. He needs to go, and your DP is welcome to go with him.

I'm sorry @Alshand but this would be my thinking too... no way should your entire household be turned upside down because of this

Your son is embarking on exams & needs some space to study, sometimes libraries are good for this but sometimes you need your own space & judging from what you've said about previous behaviour from your step son it doesn't sound like they could even share a bedroom

Shed or a caravan in the garden?

And I doubt the partner’s 19yo really is a legal stepchild. Just a further acquired responsibility for the OP.
Again, no legal leg to stand on.

Must admit I don’t think I would have let him stay in the first place. It’s your house and now you have a drug taking, violent, thieving, potential sexual offender (or someone who may be sexually inappropriate/violent etc) in your house with your three kids? Sorry, no. I would not to letting him stay long term. This is your DP and his ex’s problem to sort. He needs to go. If your DP isnt happy, sorry, but he can go too, you need to protect your own kids.

If social services got wind of it they would be involved.

I am far from sure that they would. The theft has been nicking money from his mum and stepdad, plenty of teens smoke weed, no report has been made of the window smashing and wall punching, the sexual assault report was dropped by the police.

I am not condoning DSS’s behaviour but I don’t think it meets a threshold for the
involvement of social services.

What is a “legal stepchild”?