To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

So your partner says he himself has turned over a new leaf. His son is turning over a new leaf. Your partner's idea of turning over a new leaf is kicking your son out of his own home in order to let his son - a feckless, stoned, sexually abusive young man - live in your home? And he's sleeping on your sofa, with full rein to the downstairs of your home... No fucking way would I have this. You need to wake up, OP.

Shoved into a HMO it appears…..

I get that DSS’s behaviour has been dreadful, but I can see how if I was his mum I would want him to have the best possible chance of turning things around. To me this doesn’t mean a house share or bedsit, I think that would be a disaster.

If you think DSS is actually a danger to your kids OP then of course don’t have him in the house. But this doesn’t seem to be the case given that he’s already living there and it seems as though he’s known the OP and her kids for a very long time.

Otherwise I do think you need to suggest a space for him somewhere which isn’t the sofa- chances are this isn’t going to be long term but it is right that he can’t keep sleeping on the sofa. Surely that’s hugely disruptive? Could you convert the dining room so he could have a sofa bed in there, or give the youngest two the biggest room and divide it, for example?

The cheek of your partner arguing that you should force your 18 year old son to give up his room or move out so his older layabout son can be accommodated is astonishing given that it is both your son and your house. Of course you'll favour your son over the unpleasant stepson who is only there because his mother threw him out of her house. I would be asking the partner and his son to leave. In fact, I'd be changing the locks. Thank goodness you are not married and stuck with giving him half the house.

Sorry but your partner is the bigger problem here.

I’m shocked your DP thinks it’s appropriate to suggest kicking out your son. Why can’t your DSS share with his half brother for a little while?

Please don’t let him kick your DS out.

I bet they are both waiting for your son to go to university then there will be a massive push for the 19 year to move in. You will never get rid of him. Words are easy when promising to turn over a new leaf and probably doable for a couple of months until your son goes to university.

Time to talk to your partner and get him to find lodgings for his adult son. If he can’t do that then he can find a flat for himself and his son.

Either his eldest bunks in with your joint son or he sleeps on the sofa , it is your house and your decision ultimately . Is there any chance of building a pod in the garden for his eldest , obviously with your partner financing it .

This is a good idea, particularly the financing

Your house, your rules. Once your DP starts paying his way he gets a say and until then he can mind his business.
Why don’t you just suggest DP moves out with DSS. That would solve all your problems.

Yep, it's your house and your rules. I think you're being more than fair letting DSS sleep on the sofa. I wouldn't, if he'd been accused of sexual assault, and just lazed around all day gaming and smoking weed. He needs a kick up the arse to sort his life out, and it's not your job to do it. His dad should have stepped up when he was small - and clearly didn't. It's far too late now. It's not your problem to solve. And honestly, do you want someone who's been accused of sexual assault round your own daughter?

Your partner sounds like a cock lodger. How dare he suggest you throw out your own son to accomodate (and pay for) the wall-smashing layabout? I'd be tempted to kick him out too if I was you.

This. Your DSS should know that he's very much on a probationary period. And your partner should know that if you become unhappy with the situation then it's not happening any more. What an effing cheek to want to 'downgrade' your son in your own house.

There is no great solution here.

For those suggesting the 19 year old shares with the 10 year old - that’s harsh on the 10 year old, to share with a half brother he doesn’t know that well vs the one he has lived with his whole life.

Yes, OP could ask DP and DSS to leave, but that separates her younger kids from her dad (and likely throws a massive spanner into childcare arrangements that will have grown around their shared lives in the last 3 years)

DSS is unlikely to get his own place or even a flatshare with no job, even if DP lends him money. Landlords are picky.

And getting a garden room or caravan of some kind will take time and money (and still leave DSS around the younger kids)

The second option is probably the best of a bad bunch. It would be better if certain posters acknowledged that all are trade offs and none is a slam dunk, though.

Agreed. DP sounds like a cocklodger TBH, and the sexual assaulting, drug using, money stealing son sounds even worse. YOU do not owe him anything—he’s an adult, not a child, and belongs nowhere near an 18 yo in the thick of their final exams, let alone near small children. Your cocklodging DP can come up with his own ideas and fund it himself.

It’s absolutely zero surprise the DSS has turned out to be an entitled, free loader with a multitude of issues given that his father has decided the consequence for those actions is a new room at someone else’s expense

I presume given this response, he has always been a spoilt, over indulged brat whose spineless father has given in to him at every turn

Your son should keep his room in my opinion. Your partner has been living in your house for 3 years and does not contribute to the mortgage. He doesn't get a say. If he feels that passionately about it he needs to looks at accommodation that can meet all his children needs.

He probably wants to play the saving dad card now his son has decided he needs his dad. He is willing to throw you and your son under the bus to achieve it. It's a dangerous president to set and DSS will be able to see this and potentially manipulate the situation.
Please don't sacrifice your son wellbeing and exam results for this.

I'd get rid of both.

As DP isn't paying towards your mortgage nor paying rent, he can pay for this young man to live in a house share etc.

I don't think his son will be wanting to live with his Dad anyway, not at his age.

@Alshand stick to your guns.

If you make a nice cushy room for DSS then he won't have any reason to go out and be an adult. He'll stay in his new room smoking weed being a fanny for the foreseeable future while his Dad ignores his behavior.

Can you convert the dining room or have your partner look into funding a garden room for DSS? Keep pushing those ideas. You should also insist anyone over 18 years old pays dig money... Your own son too once he's done high school.

The point is to raise children into adults. DSS is being failed at every point by his parents.

On the cocklodger point - OP has said that DP contributes to bills. Given the history, it may well be her choice not to allow him to contribute to the mortgage- certainly she would have been advised that on here if she had posted 3 years ago about a DP moving in after a few difficult years.

It’s absolutely zero surprise the DSS has turned out to be an entitled, free loader with a multitude of issues given that his father has decided the consequence for those actions is a new room at someone else’s expense

Plus the father also sounds like an entitled freeloader. I'd get rid of both. The neck of the boyfriend suggesting a mother should throw her child out of the home she owns to make room for a drugged up loser. What mind even thinks that up as a solution?

Absolutely agree @needmoresheep , I wondered if her DS would be off to Uni and how long it would take her DP to grab the room for his DS.

He shouldn’t be in your house at all.

@Heronwatcher this young man’s own mother has clearly reached the end of her tether with trying to support him, which is why he is now darkening his fathers doorstep. I bet she didn’t think she’d be kicking her 19 year old out, following a litany of shockingly poor behaviours.

It’s your house. It’s not clear from your posts why you haven’t just said DSS is not staying. I wouldn’t even allow him on the couch. Are you not worried about you and your daughter? Or him assaulting another woman and the police kicking your door in? Or worse, her family arriving?

The fact you’re referring to it as a ‘room situation’ is weird too, when it’s so much more than that.

The solution is that DP gets his own place for him and his adult son, or DP helps son get a flat share.

It would be utterly ridiculous to expect an 18-year-old in the middle of exams to suddenly be expected to share a room with anyone, whether that's a 10-year-old brother or a weed-smoking waster. OP's priority should be - and clearly is - getting her son successfully through his exams. The others can work round him, not the other way round.