To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

I find it ridiculous that he wants to boot your 'man' of an 18 year old out so his 19 year old can move in.

Hard no.

Your DP is a CF. Why does he think he calls the shots about what happens in your house?

The sense of entitlement is staggering.

You've had an on and off relationship for years through your partner not stepping up and troubles with ex and son, he’s gone back to his old ways @Alshand and he thinks it’s ok that everyone walks on eggshells because of his son?? His ex doesn’t feel safe with son living with her but it’s ok to have him at your house with younger children there? Your partner sounds like he’s on drugs, if he thinks that any of this is ok!

I’d (as kindly as possibly) go one step further. The OP has a responsibility to ensure a safe, stable and suitable environment for her children.
By prioritising her partners desire to move his drug taking, thief and potential sexual abuser adult son into her children’s home she is failing her own children massively. Social services would and should take a VERY dim view of her decision making here.

OP - you need to put your children first. There is no benefit from having this man invade their home……and ENORMOUS downsides

I don’t think the DP wants to boot the 18 year old out of the house! He does want to boot him out of his own room and into a shared room, which is bollocks, obviously, but not as drastic as eviction!

Your house?
He doesn't pay towards the mortgage.
Your son keeps his room. He's 18 and in exams and has always lived there. IT'S HIS HOME!

Shouldn't have to give it up because a 19 year old wants to move in and have it, especially someone who until he needed a place to live wanted nothing to do with any of you.

I would die on this hill. Husband can move out with the 19 year old if he feels that strongly about it. Or help him with a room somewhere ... seeing as he's not paying towards a mortgage anyway!

Sounds like his dad needs to rent him a room in a shared house somewhere else.

Actually I agree that ss would be interested. They might not enforce anything but they would view this as risky and be keeping a close eye on the family I think. SS aren't massively interested in whether the police have 'convicted' somebody of something they're there to assess risk. On the balance of probabilities this adult is quite likely to be physically and sexually violent. A parent who is adequately safeguarding their children should know this and do everything in their power to mitigate this risk. Police convictions are pretty irrelevent.

the honest truth is you have had more children than you can house. You need to make another bedroom somehow, that might be an office, dining room or similar, to partition an existing bedroom or alternatively you need to get a sofa bed in the lounge so the kids get the rooms. It’s neither your ds’s fault nor you dss’s fault you chose to have more children

I don’t want to sound harsh but seems like your 3 kids have had quite a chaotic upbringing.

What does your 18yo think of your partner?

Sadly, I don’t think you’ll ever be in a “solid place” with a man like that.

You need to prioritise the welfare of your 3 kids. None of them asked for any of this shit.

Could you afford the bills alone if your partner and his son both moved out and rented a 2 bed flat somewhere?

She has enough bedrooms for her children so actually she has enough room. She doesn't need to house a drug taking, violent adult whether he's her child or her stepchild

I wouldn't be knocking myself out for a 19 year old bone idle pot smoker.

Don’t allow DP to weasel his son’s feet under your table. Soon he’ll be 35, never having worked a day in his life, sponging off of you, gaming all day, stinking your house out with weed, and damaging your walls/doors/carpets. And I’m willing to bet that a young man with his “work ethic” will do FA in regards to tidying, keeping the bathroom/kitchen clean, etc etc. It will be a nightmare once you’ve had enough and try to evict him. Stop it now before it starts—send him packing, either with or without your DP. Don’t let him leverage into DS’s room when he leaves for uni.

DSS is a poor bet for a landlord, though.

Your husband says his son should have his old room back? When did he live there. I can't make sense of the timeline

At 19 of course his mother can wash her hands of him if he’s played her up that much but that doesn’t mean he becomes @Alshand problem .

Pretty sure only 3 kids came out of the OP. And she’s got three bedrooms in addition to her bedroom.

It’s certainly the DSS’s fault he’s a wastoid that ruins the living environment of everyone else.

When the younger two were sharing, there was a room which was used by the DSS when he stayed.

Agree. If DP is worried his DS has no-where else then its on him and DSS to find a solution that doesn't involve kicking your DS out of his room.

Can you build a shed in the garden, with running water and electricity for the DSS?

@SheilaFentiman
What is a ”legal stepchild”?
They would have to be married.

No, they don't. Stepson isn't a child and isn't OP's offspring. She doesn't have to house him.

Despite any protests from the now 19yo, it was never acceptable for a father to stop having a dedicated place for his son to stay in his home. This problem wouldn’t exist if dad had not messed up and let that happen.

as a parent to a very young adult, he does have a responsibility to house his son and try to get him back on track. He should be setting firm rules like his son needing to get back into full-time education, a full-time job, or a combination of the two. Dad should require household responsibilities commensurate with age.

Dad does need to figure out a real place for his son to sleep. That might be a repurposed room in the current house. It might be Dad and older son move elsewhere. As an absolute last resort Dad could pay for son to live elsewhere as long as son is meeting required behavioral conditions.

OP you are not wrong that the other children shouldn’t have to sacrifice, but that doesn’t mean that this issue doesn’t need to be solved. The burden of solving it either financial or in sacrificing privacy should be faced by the adults, not the children.

Deleted as I posted on the wrong thread

Thanks @Sgtmajormummy

Even if they were married, OP wouldn’t have parental responsibility towards DSS. (Though the house ownership thing would be more complex!)

In this predicament not in a million years I would get your DS to move or to share his room with another adult man. Not happening. This has been your DS's permanent home for years and it would be unfair to move him out from his own room because now DSS suddenly is moving in. Nope.
By your DP's logic his son is even more adult. Does DSS work?

Edited after I read your updates.
Glad you kept your place! Stand your ground.
How about DP rents a studio flat or a room somewhere else for DSS? He must be having extra cash if he isn't contributing to the mortgage payments. He can the mollycoddle him as much as he wants. Away from your home.
The moment the bad behaviour starts I would be wanting DSS to move out and I would be clear with DP about that. There is a possibility that DP will move out with DSS but before that he will try to guilt trip you. Be strong. You can't risk a relationship with your DS.
Good luck x