To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

And yet he’s prepared to turn his back on your 18 year old son?!

DP saying it’s not a long term solution? Yeah, because he’s going to commandeer a bedroom for him. Nah. DP needs to solve this and DSS needs to leave by the weekend.

The last coming in has the worst deal of room that is unwritten law. In this case the 19 years old will have to accommodate of what is possible, no threats, no demands.
Now, after reading your updates. I would honestly kick them both of the house if possible. I wouldn't want a young druggie lazy man etc around my kids and your partner sound not very reliable tbh.

What possessed you to have 2 kids with this bloke when the relationship was rocky and he wasn't even living with you? And then you move him in as basically a cocklodger. I think your oldest son has already been somewhat shafted quite frankly.

😂I take it you meant this as a joke?

Your poor son too. In the middle of A levels, the wastoid is on the sofa, there’s tension in the house. So not fair.

The money that your dp is NOT spending on putting a roof over his OWN head, he can spend putting a roof over his son's head @Alshand
A room in a shared house
A caravan
A bedsit

What a challenging situation to find yourself in. How upsetting to find out this unknown side of your dp.
How is his son paying for weed? The mum won't be getting any benefits to pay her footloose son. Is she giving him an allowance? He doesn't work. Is he getting into drug debt too?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

Firstly, it’s your house and you pay the mortgage and your delightful partner is relatively new to your home. But to suggest your DS should share a room with your 10year old just so his wayward DS can have his own room is quite frankly ludicrous! Why the hell should he????

Your step-son has been chucked out from his mother’s home because of appalling behaviour but your partner thinks it’s perfectly reasonable to move his ADULT son in and disrupt other people’s lives? NO BLOODY WAY!

I wouldn’t want a weed smoking, aggressive, lazy shit living with my children and to be quite frank, your partner doesn’t sound an awful lot better!

I’d suggest he moves out and takes his awful son with him. They’d get on great by the sounds of it.

Keeping him on the sofa is the only way this isn't going to turn into a long term situation. Giving him a bed and a bedroom is totally totally not a good idea. I would suggest to DP that the sofa is a shit short term solution and needs to be resolved by the weekend with DSS OUT and DP can go with him if he thinks hands on live in parenting is the best way to support DSS.

Come in op think of your children and kick this 19 year old out and his father if need be. You certainly don't need 2 cocklodgers in your home- the two of them can go live together. Your kids will think you for the peace. Your survived just fine before this man moved in with you. It certainly seems he's got his feet well and truly under the table

Don't be a doormat. Stand your ground and get them out of YOUR house

I'd tell your DP that I'd wait and see how his DSS actually behaves before you make any decisions. I'd also tell him if his DS goes back to his old ways he'll be leaving.

Based on this update I think it's very clear that you need to return to this arrangement and live apart. If he is working and not contributing to a mortgage he should be comfortably able to afford a place for himself and his son.

Honestly I wouldn’t accept having any adult accused of SA living with me or my young daughter.

He thinks your son can move out? His older son can move out. In fact perhaps he should move out and get a space with his aggressive adult son to get him on his feet, if it’s so important that he has his son live with him.

His mum booted him for good reason. So DP wants to take him in, give him your son's room, and let him sleep and game all day? Essentially, reward and enable the kid's shitty behavior?

HELL. NO.

I wouldn't even let him stay. If DP wants to point out that your son is 18, then point out his son is 19 and his track record. It's just a matter of time before this boy gets violent in your home, too.

If it came down to it, I'd tell DP and his son to leave.

Do not let him move in. He will never leave.

Your DP needs to move out of this house into a flat that's big enough for him and his eldest child. It's a tough call for him, he'll have to choose between his 19yo son and his two younger children. But it sounds like his eldest needs him the most now, and you as the other parent of the younger two are there for them (unlike the 19yo's mum - not like she hasn't tried though).

I wouldn't recommend split custody of the two youngest so that they spend 50/50 between the parents: sounds like the 19yo shouldn't be sharing space with young children.

It wouldn't be punishment, it's just something that has to be done by a parent for their child. Your DP is going to have to deal with the fallout of his younger children feeling abandoned by him in favour of their older half-sibling. Likely your problem to deal with, all DP's fault though. Your DP is lucky to have you.

Under no circumstances should your 18yo be turfed out of his room in his home. That shouldn't even be up for discussion.

Can you see that the sensible majority on here think it’s absolute madness he’s there at all? Who gives a shit that DP said he had no other options? That is no reason AT ALL you had to agree and create drama while your poor son is trying to study for important exams.

You’ve moved a violent adult man into your young children’s home.

Having read your updates I think you ought to ask Dp to move out and live with his son separately. His own mother doesn’t feel safe with him in the house so has chucked him out - I would be very concerned about your younger 2 children. You should ask them to vacate asap. Sorry, I know it seems dramatic but I can’t see this ending in any way happily and your DP sounds as if he’s just living with you for an easy life.

I would tell your ‘D’ P that his son IS a man at 19, and if he doesn’t like it HE can move out and find somewhere else to live, his father can pay for a room in a house or whatever, or do his sone a favour and make him find a job and keep it

Why would he want someone who smokes weed, is accused of assault, kicked out by his mother, does nothing all day being an example to his other two children? Beggars belief

instead of saying the 19 yr old has it hard he should be kicking butt to get him sorted

In the meantime is there a separate dinning room or study that could be converted into a bedroom, I agree your 18 year old should not be forced to move

your DP needs to understand it’s his 19 year old sons actions that got him to this place, the son needs to acknowledge that and do something about it, and if he won’t, and there is no separate room then the sofa it is, and I wouldn’t be stopping going in there in the morning because he is sleeping

@Alshand

Did you actually agree to this violent thieving druggie layabout who has been accused of sexual assault, moving in to your house where there are young impressionable children one of them an 8 year old girl?

If his own mother doesn't feel safe with him around why should you compromise your safety and the safety of your children?

And who the hell does your so called "D"P think he is telling you that your son should move out of his own home to make way for this loser?

In answer to your question, yes you should be more flexible. You should flex your leg smartish and kick this waste of space back out again and if "D"P doesn't like it tell him to fuck off too.

Your priority isn't a drug taking adult who plays computer games all day but he will be forced to be your priority until the day you die if you don't put your foot down at the expense of your other kids too. He won't change until he's forced to. If your husband feels like his child needs support then he needs to provide this even if it is at the expense of the 2 of you living apart. It is not safe or fair for the other 3 children that he's living in your family home so he either needs to get his own place or get a place with your DH or grovel to his mum and book his ideas up. This is not your circus and not your monkeys. Don't get involved other than to protect the children that you are responsible for

Honestly, I think this is not about the rooms. This is not even about the dss behaviour (and whether he is safe to be around) .

It’s about the fact that after so many years, you still don’t function as a team. There was no adult discussion, no problem solving etc… on either side. Instead, both of you have been fighting to see who would win that match’ (with your DP showing emotional immaturity and huge guilt).

It’s the fact you have a group of 4 young people with competing needs. And I’m not talking about rooms! I’m talking about emotional support, a sense of direction, stability. But because it’s all ‘it’s my house/you always put your dcs first’ etc…. Theres no discussion on what’s important.

I mean you can, as so many advised, refuse to have the 19yo stay. But it’s not going to solve the deeper problems you have tbh.

OP, you do realise that SS can also go down to his local housing office with all his belongings and tell them he's homeless and has nowhere to stay?

They need to find him some form of accomodation even if its a BnB or a hostel/bedsit.

Maybe thats the reality check he needs

I'd tell DP to move out and get a place for him and his son. He should have plenty of savings to facilitate that. I absolutely think he should support his 19 year old son. He's not cooked yet and clearly has some issues that require a firm approach. However, I wouldn't want that behaviour around my children especially young children.

House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago.

So this man is not providing housing for any of his three children? He expects you to provide for your two shared children and one young adult child from another relationship? A young adult that has engaged in disruptive behaviors and is alleged to have committed assault against a girlfriend?

I would be moving the son and the father out pronto, dress it up as him providing a stabilizing influence on his son to help him back on his feet and then not have him back. I think you and your DC would be much happier without this man in your home.

If it was my house I would be sending DP and his son to find their own accommodation. Get rid. He has no respect for you or your son.

Also I would not have my son walking on eggshells