To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

garden room?

100% this!

Family decides … kids included

He pays deposit and rent on a cheap house share.

Firstly he’s not in education so should be contributing board. Secondly and most importantly, he’s a potential sex offender. Definitely should not be around kids.

Another option is you move your daughter into your bedroom and your DP and his son share another room. That way your DSS has a room and you can protect your daughter.

DP can move out with his son then

Partner should find a place for him and his son. Or his son finds a house

Whoah! Hang on. His own mother doesn't feel safe with him in her house due to his appalling behaviour and sexual assault accusation, yet he's now living with your 8 & 10 year olds??!!
Your DH needs to take him back to his mother's house now. Right now. They can talk in the morning about finding him a flat share or hostel. And sort the deposit between them if they must.
Get him out of your house.

The audacity to think he can throw his weight around in your house.

I wouldn’t house him at all, given his behavior. He’s not your responsibility, and if his father wants to step up then he can fund that himself.

@Alshand he wouldn't be welcome in my home after that behaviour. If the mother doesn't feel safe around him, then you and your children are also not safe.
Tough love situation here, 2 weeks to get a job or he's out the door. Do not move any of your children out of their rooms.

You can't move an adult man who smokes drugs in the house, is aggressive, brings strangers home and has been accused of sexual assault into a home with small children in it. These are your partner's children too- I'd ask him how he feels about the impact all this is going to have on them at such a young age, regardless of considering your poor son who is doing a levels. Your house, your rules. Sadly I don't see a solution to this issue other than your partner moving out and getting a place with the son. If he's not happy to do that it'd be the end of the relationship for me, you have to put your young children's needs first in this scenario. Smoking weed around young kids is also a safeguarding issue social care would rightly be all over- it'd only take a neighbour to report this for it to really blow up for everyone.

The stepson stays on the sofa until he’s gainfully employed.
No messes - period.
No horsing around all day.
Then you and his father can help him find a roommate or a houseshare. Or better yet, since he’s certainly old enough, he can find one on his own.
Term limits should be set on how long this is tolerated before it isn’t tolerated any longer.
”He’s had a hard time” - yeah, because?
Absolutely no way on god’s green earth your household should suddenly be disrupted based on his previous behaviour or him suddenly turning up.
I have great empathy for children mistreated by their parents.
I have little sympathy for this.
@Alshand hold the line.
My parents never would have tolerated this from me, nor me from my own kids.
You’re either in school or you work. End of.

DSS needs reminding he is extremely lucky not to be out on the street. Are you sure your DD is not at risk in view of sexual assault allegations. With the violence and drug use, Iwould not have him in the house

I agree with others: your DP should move out if he wants to live with his 19 year old as he shouldn't be allowed in your home.

Your 18 year old doesn't get turfed out of his room because the house is yours , in your name only, mortgage paid by you.
Why does he think his son gets priority over yours when he's not even contributing to the mortgage himself to be making any demands. It is the couch, back to his mums, or getting a job and finding somewhere for himself.

Is that your house?
If so get them both out.

If it is your house it is completely unforgivable that this would even arise.

Your poor son.
What a complete loser you added to his life, in his home.

Given all the follow up details, why doesn’t your DP move back out again and share somewhere else with his son?

Maybe they can both come back when he’s proved he’s turned liver a new leaf. If he’s ’been through a lot” perhaps he’d benefit from the 1:1 time with his dad.

Do you have a dining room you can get a sofa bed and say he can stay there or alternatively you could say he can stay for 4week on the sofa and tell him to go to the local council for housing support and that he is going to be homeless he won’t get a council house but will get a case worker to help him find him somewhere and if they ask you what will happen in 4 weeks you tell them you will call the police on him and change the locks

As Lemn Sissay said: "Hurt people hurt people."
Your stepson is a damaged young person but the behaviour that flows from that makes him a danger to your family at the moment so he should not be in your home. Much as you might have sympathy with his situation your priority has to be your family and their safety and we'll being.
Your OH needs to find somewhere to live with his son and work on getting him back together and sorting his life out.

Hang on a minute.

So your 18 year old son is nearly a man and doesn't need his own room, and if he doesn't like it he can leave, but those rules don't apply to your partners 19 year old son?

Any partner showing that level of disrespect to my child would be straight out the door.

At the very least, from way you've described your partners son, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my kids, and housing him would be an absolute no.

Don't do it, you would be setting yourself up for a nightmare.

This. Tell your DP to look for some short term accommodation he can share with his son to see how things go. Do not budge on room arrangements in the meantime.

I totally agree with this.

The elder 2 need their own space. They are a similar age, both need to feel this is their home and feel loved. They should feel EQUAL.

The younger two can cope for a year or 2.

Smoking weed around young kids is also a safeguarding issue social care would rightly be all over- it'd only take a neighbour to report this for it to really blow up for everyone.

From the OP’s posts, this hasn’t happened - the weed smoking happened at his mum’s house but hasn’t happened in OP’s house.

Separately, of course a 19 year old shouldn’t smoke weed around his younger siblings, but plenty of older teenagers with younger full siblings will smoke weed outside of the home.

Your partner does not get to dictate, this is your house. Your 18 year old son is studying for exams and your stupid partner expects him to give up his bedroom for his wastrell son who is not employed and was accused of sexual assault.

My view is you say to your partner, your son will not be moving from his bedroom and there is nothing more to discuss. If he carries on about it tell him he can go and live with his son elsewhere. Your partner has no say in this it's your house.

Not exactly an advert for blended families.

Keep the step son on the sofa, he needs to find somewhere else, there is not a room for him at your house. Hopefully he will get the hint.

Remember, it's your house, your kids come first. Kick the partner out befire your move your 18 year old.

How long has he been there, and what steps has he taken to prove he's turned over a new leaf?