To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

sounds dangerous.

a violent man who has very likely committed sexual assault

And your DP wants to chuck out your ds who’s quietly doing his A levels

perhaps your dp can fuck off and rent a flat with his dangerous man child.

If you can't accept and welcome a partners child as part of your family then you shouldn't date or marry someone with children. I was the child I'm this situation and it's horrendous.

I think the 18yo is old enough and sensible enough to know that the 19yo is a delinquent.

Yabu

Get rid, that’s your son’s home first and foremost. I’d be asking dp to leave. What a tosser

"Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son!"

op definitely said this in her opening comments.

sounds like her partners trying to flex a bit when he has less right to be there than her son.

and also the step son sounds a waste of space as well.

some lazy weed smoking violent accused of sexual assault teenager around young kids, what a nightmare.

I’m also the child of a 1st marriage and have been discarded like garbage. But in this case the 19yo is a violent t

And a sex offender So shouldn’t be accommodated

The "child" is a 19 year old abusive man. Please read carefully.

I would stick to your guns on this. I'd also be giving a time limit for him to start looking for work. He shouldn't get rewarded for bad behaviour.

@Kateb12 you’re right, missed that part! Sorry. What a knobber DP is!

Supposedly, but he's only 19 and sounds like he's unwelcome in both his parents homes. Who knows what else he's been through growing up. Knowing what I went through with step parehts as a child I always feel for the child that is labelled the problem.

I would absolutely not have DSS in my home around young children.

Let DP sort his housing out and if he continues to argue with you about it I'd spell it out loud and clear that this is your house, not his.

He's a teenager. Both parents have new partners and he's not welcome in either home. Not surprising he has some issues. He needs some parental support, love and guidance. Not to be disowned.

If your DS is nearly a man at 18 and should move out, why does he think his own DS of 19 isn’t a man yet and needs you to provide a roof over his head

if your dp is suggesting your son can go find a place to live then why does this not apply to his older DS

Which is why many people have suggested that the boys father steps up to the parenting plate, rents somewhere for both of them to live and spends some time with his son trying to help him to get over this blip in his life, to find some purpose, a job or FE, or training and teach him how the world works. Seems a way to move forward without the possibility of also screwing up the lives of the other three young people involved in this situation.

Let's get this bit straight - your partner's argument is that your 18 year old son doesn't need his own room because he's "nearly a man" yet his older 19 year old son does?
That reasoning doesn't make sense.

So your 18 year old is nearly an adult and so should move out but his 19 year old who is an adult should move in even though he is not doing exams and created the mess he is in and is apparently more entitled to live there? Wtf. Says a. Lot about your partner. As can sleep in the living room or is big enough to sort his own mess out. I would die on this hill if there is no satisfactory solution.

Husband and as should move out til ss sorts his shit out

I agree, dad needs to get a place where all his children are welcome snd can feel at home.

If his own Mum didn't feel safe having him in the house he wouldn't be within 100m of my young daughter! DP needs to move out with him if that's his bloody attitude. The absolute CF'ckery of asking to move your son out of his room especially when it's exams, but not only that it's your bloody house!

I could understand you tolerating it for a bit if SS was on the sofa behaving and trying and DP was quietly grateful, but his fucking attitude would make me want to chuck the pair of them out! Xx

And somewhere where it is safe for all the children. Sadly at the moment a safe place for all of them doesn’t seem possible, which the father doesn’t seem to understand.

OP, do you have any other rooms? Dining room, or study that DSS could use?

Or might it be possible to split 1 room into 2, just short term?

They both need to go.

"D"P because he thinks he can chuck his weight around and demand your DS lose his room in a house that he hasnt paid a penny towards and that your DS was living in way before he moved in.

DSS because there is no way on earth I would have him anywhere near my younger kids, especially the daughter. His own MOTHER wont give him house room, so why the fuck are you?!

Love the irony of him saying your 18 yo is an adult so can move out for his 19 yo to move in.