To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

That happened on here a few months ago. Dad and SS packed their bags and moved out. All because the OP wouldn't tolerate the pot smoking unemployed cuckoo that had landed in her nest 🙄

Is this lad safe to be around your kids? The behaviour you described doesn't sound compatible with living with primary school aged children.

Aside from that is he asleep on the sofa all day? In the living room? That's not great.

I’d say let him rent somewhere with his son , until Dss Is stable enough to live alone, I can’t see how it’s going to work for you all.
He probably does need support from his dad right now to help sort his life out, but not to the detriment of you and your family.

If your 18yo son can move out and live somewhere else then so can his 19yo son.

I've never had step children but I can't understand why any step parent is expected to feel the same about the step kids as their own flesh & blood. Does anyone? Maybe if the child came into your life as a baby or toddler, but otherwise - it makes no sense to me at all.

It’s your house so I’d ask them both to leave. Failing that I’d share my double room with my daughter until they leave and partner and his son can have her foot for a few days. I’d basically not have either of them in my home and revert to it’s just me and my kids again.

You mean she wouldn't tolerate her husbands child. Her choice but the dad was right to prioritise his child.

@Alshand do you have a dining room or study that you could convert for dss as a temporary measure?

Can the bigger of the two younger kids rooms be divided with a partition / curtain / kalax shelves, and free up the smallest room for DSS?

Is there a downstairs reception that can be re-worked?

What would you have done had your DSS remained in regular contact with your DP and been with you EOW and half the school hols?

You need to put your energy into solving the situation not rowing and point scoring with each other.

Would you want a partner who would just turn his back on his teen son? He is just as much parent to his 19 year old as you are to your 18 yo, and both deserve the support they need. Yours to have a calm quiet place to study, his to have somewhere to call home and some stability to sort himself out.

Put the two grown men children together

If he’s known to smoke weed, why would your P want him anywhere near your joint children? Your SS needs to make nice with his mother and fuck off back there!

Perfect response, exactly what I wanted to say!

Your DP has NO right to dictate how the bedrooms are allocated in a house with your name on the deeds and mortgage. If he's not paying a mortgage, he should have plenty of disposable income monthly - so he can help his DS rent somewhere.

I would refuse to have the 19 in the house while 18 year old is doing exams. Quite frankly I would be reluctant to let him live in ever

He gets a bed when he's working and paying rent (proportion of what he earns). Might encourage to get himself organised. Give him a room and he will be back to his old ways of sleeping all day and no enthusiasm to change things.

And quite frankly, after reading all of your updates, I would be tempted to tell you 'd'p that him and son should go rent somewhere together. Everything he dared say about your DS18 who is making effort to work hard, is stuff he and his own son should take on board. And not years to do it, weeks.

DP needs to a) help his son find a place, b) help reconcile with his mum or c) he moves out along with his son. Don’t fuck up your 18 year old’s prospects putting up with this shit!!

SS would advise you that your primary duty is to protect your young DCs . If his own mother feels unsafe then why would you trust your “babies” with him. (And abusers often do not distinguish between girls and boys so do not assume your DS would be safe.) If, god forbid, your children were harmed you could well be under investigation for inability to put your children’s safety first. Your older boy is at a precarious time in his life and might well hold a grudge if his chances of doing well in his exams are affected.
OP you must know deep down that a chance of a happy blended home is minimal and you need to separate. It’s DP’s responsibility to decide where he should go. He should have saved a sufficient amount with you covering his accommodation costs.
Good luck

OP YANBU. Your poor DS.

You sound like a brilliant mum. Keep strong.

So what would you do if you were in your partners situation and it was your son?

How would you want your partner to act?

There's no right or wrong here, but you need to have an honest, long think about what you would feel and think if you were in your partners situation and this was your son. It's easy to say "I'd expect them to stay on the sofa long term. It's dp's house." That's probably not true.

You both need to meet in the middle. Even if you don't want him to live with you and you have genuine concerns, your dp is not your enemy right now. It must be very difficult to have a child that seems out of control and you live in your girlfriend's house and feel like you're helpless to help your own child. Try starting a conversation with him by expressing your empathy for his situation, make sure he feels heard (ease defensiveness), then tell him about your feelings, concerns and opinions. For the sake of everyone in the home, focus on finding a happy compromise.

Potential options:
DSS goes to a homeless shelter
DP and DSS move out together
DSS gets his own space in your house
Maybe call your DP's ex and see if you can get him back in his mother's home

It's a difficult situation, blended families can have these problems. I hope you all find a resolution soon

So your son is almost a man but his older son needs help??and it is your house!! He is being ridiculous.

I wouldn't have had dss there if any risk to the younger children. However if no risk there then sofa is not a long term option but neither is any of the children sharing.

I would be looking at changing dining room to bedroom, or garage conversion or garden room. Giving the youngest two the biggest room and creating some sort of room divide, at dp moving out with dss or you both supporting dss with some help towards rent deposits etc. However with dp's attitude I would match his energy and say him and his son can stay elsewhere.

This is not about rooms. It is about a delinquent and potentially sexually unsafe young man being shoehorned into a family with young children in the house. No is the answer.

Lmaoo at your partner saying your son can move out when you pay the mortgage and has only lived in your house for the last 3 years.

I would consider ending the relationship over that if anyone made my son feel uncomfortable in his own home.

I do feel sorry for kids who get stuck in the cross fire of parents splitting up and then having to live with a waste of space like your partner.

Lmaoo at your partner saying your son can move out

The DP didn’t say this, He suggested that DS18 could share with DS10, so that DSS19 got his own room.

It is still yikes, but not as yikes as suggesting eviction

I think you can find a compromise. DS18 is doing his exams right now and needs his own space. DSS19 can stay on the sofa and your DP and he can look for somewhere for him (DSS, or the two of them!) to live. If DSS is not in education then he needs a job. Its harsh to be out in the world on your own at 19 but it sounds as if DSS has brought this on himself.

I can’t believe your dp expects your ds to give up his room when it’s your actual house. Cheeky bastard you don’t even charge him rent and he’s expecting you to back down. Don’t ever do this if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is. Your ds is a man so needs this space more than ever I would just tell him straight rooms stay as they are if your ds causes any unhappiness he goes end of story.

I'd be more concerned at his influence on my 18 year old, than the younger ones.