To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

There hasn’t been any mention that mum has a partner, most of us think OP’s partner need to leave with his son and get a flat. You may think the 19 year sounds harmless but most of us think that it’s a terrible idea to let him live there with everyone else walking on eggshells, the youngsters need shielding from any violent outbursts, with him punching walls, smoking dope in the house and stealing their stuff. If anyone has to step up and move out with him, it’s his dad! If any of the children get hurt, social services might have to get involved, the OP could end up losing more than just her DP.

DP and DSS move out and find a place together
You keep your nice & calm house and your DC’s keep their rooms - you pay for it after all
Your dh can visit when he becomes a reasonable person again (was he ever?)

Stepson made his choice when he decided to stop visiting. He can't expect his siblings' lives to be totally disrupted just because he's changed his mind, or had it changed for him by his appalling behaviour.

I left home when I was 17 in the late 70’s as I had no home life.
I lived in a hostel for a while and then made friends and rented a place with them.
Do kids never leave home these days?
he’s a 19 year old man ffs!

Well this sounds like you and your DP are providing a positively idyllic childhood for your poor children OP

The person to blame in this, is your DP, he has flip flopped throughout most of your relationship, he doesn’t sound like he stepped up for his first child, never mind his youngest. Now his ex has kicked her son out, DP has decided it’s easier to make the other children unsafe and unhappy in order to other him a roof over his head. If he really wants to help him and keep everyone else safe he needs to move out with him.

I would tell him that you're not even going to entertain any discussion about the room situation until after your DS finishes his exams, as you won't have your DP and his ex's dysfunctional parenting affecting your son's future. And if your DP doesn't like that, he and DSS can sling their hooks.

Agree with this. DP has some cheek. And the 19-year-old needs to find somewhere else to stay for a whole host of reasons, not least of which that you'll likely end up financially supporting him, too, which is completely out of order.

I do wonder about this sometimes. It sounds miserable to stay home at this age. I would feel like I had zero privacy. But then, I left at the same age as you. Time and costs have changed.

Could your partner possibly buy a cheap caravan to stick on the driveway for him?

I left home when I was 17 in the late 70’s as I had no home life.
I lived in a hostel for a while and then made friends and rented a place with them.

Marvellous. Not my benchmark for how I want my children to experience their teen years and early adult hood, but you seem to think it’s character building or some such nonsense

I rocked up at university aged 18 and I didn’t even know how to make cheese on toast. I’d never made a bed!

Now a fully functioning successful progressionsl adult fully in charge of finances with two children.

And I bloody loved my childhood and teen years and early adulthood in no small part because I was pretty indulged and spoilt by my parents 😆

So which bedroom do you suggest he is given takes?

this could be a real turning point for your SS @Alshand … I think he genuinely has to believe that he will have to leave if his behaviour slips. I hope he turns it around, stops gaming and looks for work and his attitude improves. 🙏🙏🙏

Oh yes, I totally agree. I wouldn't have him in the house, let alone vacating a bedroom for him - and the same for a biological child I had.

But even so, there have been very similar threads with very similar poor behaviour, and I've seen so much vitriol for OP even suggesting that DSC wouldn't be welcome (his child comes first, he should leave you, that poor, poor child etc etc) that's it's genuinely interesting to try and figure out why this case is particularly different.

The mums partner was mentioned in the 2nd post, supposedly the boy has been stealing money from mum and partner (my mums partner accused me of this when it was actually his daughter, when he found out it was her he didnt apologiseto me). Yes dad absolutely needs to step up which it sounds like he's trying to do, he needs to get his own place where all his children can feel welcome and at home. Hopefully with the right support from a parent, giving him stability and self esteem the boy will be able to improve and flourish.

I'm not sure what you point is?

Except that now he will have custody of the younger children in a home where the DSS is present. The whole thing is a nightmare, but I'm sure I'd think the lesser evil is all living under the same roof and so that I am present all the time.

Your joint kids are 10 and 8 but DP only moved in 3 years ago?

Tbh i wouldn't want him in my house either, but DSS isn't going to sort himself out if he isn't welcome anywhere. Is there an option to help him stand on his own to feet? Or a room you could repurpose. I don't think you're wrong but I don't think DP is either.

Edit: just read a later post where you said about being on and off with DP in the early years. Tbh DP sounds as chaotic and irresponsible as DSS and you might need to ask whether you want either of them in your home.

I'm adding to the chorus in saying DP should move himself and his son out if he feels so strongly about the situation as it is.

If DSS was well behaved and making a concerted effort at trying to succeed (in employment or training) then I'd have suggested that in the short term DP shares a room with DSS and you could share with your DD. But not under these circumstances.

How about the 19 year old gets his act together apologises to his mum and goes back to her.
Tell husband this is what's happening or he can go in a house share.
Why should the kids home set up be disrupted for the 19 yr old .
No way sorta himself out on why he has been kicked out or find a house share .
End of .

The 19 yr old needs to rough it as a consequence of pissing off his mom that there is a price to pay for bad behaviour. The others should stay in their rooms. I suspect your husband feels guilty usually that means these Children get away with shit behaviour. Stand your ground OP this 19 yr old is older & a man if he doesn’t like it he can go to a houseshare that should wake him up.

There is ?another thread on here you might find interesting:

I can’t accommodate son who’s struggling, can I

So you had a child with a man you barely knew. Proceeded to live separately amid your tumultuous relationship and have another child two years later still not living together.

Every single day on here women bring existing kids into shitty situation and then add some more. I really don’t understand it.

id be asking him and his dad to move out and get a flat share together

its your house (read the update)
no way would i want this man influencing young children and causing tension in the house

It really is a difficult situation and I can see why you want to support both adult children. However there is no way your 18 year old should have to change rooms/share whilst doing exams and still in education and in his original home.

Are there any other solutions? Temporary bedroom in dining room? Temporary garage conversion? Room for caravan or temporary dwelling in garden?

At an absolute push I would probably have the younger two share for 6-12 months on the basis that DSS had to then get a job/flat share etc. Or you look to buy a house with more bedrooms (but realise that is a whole financial issue).