To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

You sound oddly passive to be honest. It's your house! The 19 year old needs a kick up the arse and simply can't live there. Maybe that means your useless DP will move out too, boo hoo.

So his son messes around with drugs, potentially worse in terms of SA, and he thinks that your son should effectively be punished for that?! Absolutely not.

Your partner needs to get a place with his son. Why did you ever agree with a violent stoner moving in, think of your other kids!

If a grown woman is so afraid of a drug using, violent man who has been accused of sexual assault that she cannot live with him, the solution is not to move that man into a house with young children.

The DP and his son will have to move out. Since it is OP's house and she alone pays the mortgage, she gets final say. The cocklodgers can sort themselves out.

I wonder how much slack the DP will be prepared to give the wayward son when he hasn't got his house-owning nanny with a fanny to scaffold his shite parenting.

I agree with you that moving your 2 sons in together is not appropriate but I think you do need to come up with another suggestion. Just saying “he can move into a house share” isn’t likely to be supportive enough for your partner and his son. Is there a dining room or study or something you can repurpose short term? Can you help out with rent on the flat share for a set time? I think having a workable and supportive alternative solution is the best option.

YANBU

Don't let the 19 year old move in.

Firstly. Keep you valuables away. Never leave your handbag or jewelry unattended. Same for prescription meds.

2.Give this loser a bedroom … he won’t last long. Let him become your DP problem. Do not clean his room, ever. Do not be cleaning up after him,

Agree rules w DP about his friends, houseguests, smoking.

3.Talk to your other 3, explain openly that 19 needs a home. It’s not ideal, but you need solutions and ask them to help agree.
you kids need keep money safe too.

4.DP needs to help him get on his feet w job.

The younger two are housed. The oldest (not a child) isn't.
It's OP's house. She has wisely not married this man or let him contribute to it.
It's her house, which trumps his opinions on what she should do with it.

I assume you havent read the part where this 19 year old is an active drug user and has been accused of sexual assault?

I too, have had friends that have been thrown back and forth. Hell, even I was ousted outbox my house at 13 and made to live with grandparents to "make room" for my half sisters, as the house my mum had couldn't hold all her children.

I didnt end up taking drugs, getting violent or assaulting people to the point where I was kicked out.

Its all about choices and SS is old enough to know better and pick the right path.

we had a good couple years where things were actually stable, so he moved in properly about 3 years ago.

Well, I'd be moving him right back out again.

Cool the partner can pay for his own house then.

Surely HIS son is almost a man too? He's older than yours. I wouldn't let him live with you in your house anyway and if DP doesn't like it, that's his problem.

If social care were aware that someone accused of sexual assault was living with your young female child they wouldn't be happy. It's your house not your partner's. I'd suggest he move back out with his son.

Perhaps DP and DSS could get a flat together!

Given your updates, I’d suggest DP & DSS move out to a flat/bedsit. It’s obviously a temporary situation, whether it be a few months or a couple years. DSS gets chance to turn his life round & get a job/go uni whilst DP shows he’s there for him. If DSS gets a job & grows up, he can take on the rental & DP move back. It’s not fair to disrupt everyone else, especially during exams.

I agree that the solution is DSS can’t live with you as there’s no space for him at the moment.

DSS either moves out alone or with his dad.

Did his mum kick him out because he wouldn’t get a job?

He allegedly smokes weed as do alot of people, not ideal but not something to disown your child over. He's had an unproven accusation of sa against him, something he denies, again not something I would disown my child over. Also my mums partner made alot of untrue accusations about me as a teenager, anything that went wrong was my fault. He was also very verbally and physically aggressive towards me, something my mum turned a blind eye to. Who knows what this boy has been living with with mums partner in the house. I know lots of situations where new partner makes accusations about the step child and sadly some parents side with their partner over their child. I really hope dad chooses to support his son here rather than prioritise a partner.

If the mum has chucked him out for the reasons mentioned, then why are you being a doormat and just letting your partner tell u what to do. You aren’t married, it’s your house, protect your kids and let those two rent a place together, and let DSS turn over a new leaf in the new space first. Revisit if his behaviour has improved in a year or so. I don’t the like the sound of his punching walls, and general aggression, has he suddenly changed overnight into a calm and level headed person ?!

Technically your SS is an 'adult' yet he is making stupid choices and has not proven he is capable of making sensible decisions. Hopefully sleeping on the sofa will give SS the impetus he needs to sort his life out.

Do not move your DS out of his room.

If push comes to shove your DP needs to move out with SS, particularly if he shows ANY of the behaviours that caused his eviction from his mum's place

He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do”

Just like his son then.

As he's living in your house and your mortgage, he can't decide that his son gets his own room at the expense of yours. If he wants to house his son, he can rent a flat for the pair of them.

Your partner must have saved thousands in housing costs, how about he finds his son a place and pays a few months rent to help him out?

This!! Will be a good chance for you OP to see if your DP steps up to this challenge. Get them to rent a place together for a while, I think him moving in to yours, will be a disaster in his current state of mind. Also why is DSS not in work or education, has your DP got an idea of when his son is going to find a job or do some training etc? Who will be paying for the extra mouth to feed?

That would be a hard no from me. If nothing else, your DP logic is ludicrous. Your DP will need to find somewhere to live with his 19DS if he wishes to support him.

It's possible he is well overdue some support from his father, but not at the expense of the rest of the children, and the stability of your and their home.

Lounging around all day gaming?
Our feet wouldn't have touched the ground on our way out of the front door, in my parent's house. The work ethic was strong, to not be in work or education was shameful.

Your DP's attitude is doing his son no favours. Lock the gaming away, tell him to get on his phone and either sign up for training or get a job.

Of course he gets angry, he has no structure in his life, no rules and no pay.
He must be getting Job Seeker benefit. There's a reason it's called that.

It will cause resentment with your own son OP, if it isn't resolved quickly. Though something tells me you wouldn't be bothered if two, not just one left.

Seems like perhaps the best solution is for your partner and his son to move out and get somewhere together!