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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

579 replies

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:15

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 12/06/2025 17:54

Kikikikid · 12/06/2025 17:46

I have to say this thread is very different to the usual MN stance that 'once you get involved with someone with children you have to accept they're a package' and 'you should always understand that DSC come first' and 'you always have to accept that any step children could one day move in'. It's very interesting.

Edited

He is 19 years of age, he isn’t a child and has been smoking weed, punching walls in his mums house to the point that his mum doesn’t feel safe with him there. He’s also been accused of sexual assault, I think that’s enough reasons for op to not want him near her children. Plus her 18 year old is walking on eggshells around the P’s son.

Gundogday · 12/06/2025 17:54

EdisinBurgh · 12/06/2025 17:26

If your eighteen year old DS plans to go to Uni after his A’Levels watch out as possibly your DSS and his dad will wait it out and take his room then.

Need a solution to be found asap - before summer hols.

Maybe tough love - a job and his own place - is what the 19 year old needs to turn his life around? Has he ever worked? When did he leave education?

Good shout.

rosiebl · 12/06/2025 17:54

DP pays for his son to live in an house share elsewhere for a period of time until he's on his feet. No way would I be turfing out any kids when DSS has put himself in this situation by misbehaving at his mums.

viques · 12/06/2025 17:55

AutumnArrow · 12/06/2025 17:04

Can you put a divider in the biggest room and have the younger 2 share that? May mean changing your bedroom depending on sizes

No need to go the expense of that. Tell cocklodgers 1 and 2 they need to fins alternative accommodation. Why should the two younger children be put out of their current rooms to accommodate a thieving,abusive druggie with no job and no intention of getting one.

As someone upthread warns the DS and his daddy are playing the long game “you only need to sleep on the sofa for a couple of months son, as soon as DS1 has popped off to university we’ll get you into his room, and he can have the sofa if he comes back for weekends.”

Wessexfuntime · 12/06/2025 18:00

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:37

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

So if the house is in your name, I think it is fair to say your DP can't insist you give your DS out of his room especially as he is revising (I assume he is still in education, unlike your DSS).
I would also be concerned about the police being involved with the alleged sexual assault on the girlfriend, do you really want this agro in your house when you have younger DC at home.
I think you need to put your foot down, your DSS is 19 he needs to grow up, stop being lazy and get himself a job, (as I suppose your house expenses have increased since he turned up).
Your DP needs to also grow a pair, he is responsible for his DS while he is in your home and shouldn't be giving you grief, he should be helping his DS find a houseshare or certainly other alternatve living arrangements, as I think you are just going to end up with constant arguments and hassle over the situation. Good luck

Inertia · 12/06/2025 18:00

Echo the posters who are concerned about the safety of the younger children around this violent, drug-taking grown man.

Your partner needs to stop acting like he owns the place. YOU own the place, he pays nothing, and he does not get to kick your children out of their bedrooms in their mother's own home.

What is it with all these entitled men expecting women to sort their lives out for them?

Your partner can either arrange and pay for a bedsit/ house share for the 19yo, or he can move out to a rental and have his son living with him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/06/2025 18:00

As many people said up thread, everything he said about your DS being a man applies at least as much to his DS!

But as it’s your sole house he’s got a bloody cheek! If anyone should be moving out it’s him (your DP - along with his son!)

If you do allow your DP to stay (a big if) the only option seems to be for you to make the living room into a bedroom for either DSS or for you two as the parents.

Edit - But yes also worried about your younger children’s safety around DSS.

Itsjustmonkeyssingingsongsmate · 12/06/2025 18:00

Kikikikid · 12/06/2025 17:46

I have to say this thread is very different to the usual MN stance that 'once you get involved with someone with children you have to accept they're a package' and 'you should always understand that DSC come first' and 'you always have to accept that any step children could one day move in'. It's very interesting.

Edited

Yes OP is clearly a wicked stepmother. Let's hope her stepson's fairy weedmother comes along and whisks him off to a ball and he finds a beautiful princess to sexually assault 🙄

Sometimesbetter · 12/06/2025 18:01

Can you split the largest room you have in half at all, even if this means giving up your master bedroom? For either the two youngest DC or the your youngest son and step son. I think it is really important that 18 year old DC is not disrupted during exams. Alternatively do you have a downstairs room you can temporarily convert or corner off as a bedroom for step son? Very tricky as I agree you can't easily kick your 18 year old out of his room really, probably don't want opposite younger children sharing now they are older, but also your step son should feel welcome (as long as safe for your other DC to have him). However, unless you have have been unfair on your step son in the past, your husbands comment about your 18 year old moving out is outrageous, he is still basically a child and I assume this is his main house.

Alternatively, especially if he is not safe around your other children, can you help your step son find alternative accommodation. Personally I would want step son in house to support him unless I thought he was a risk to the other children in any way.

JJMama · 12/06/2025 18:02

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:15

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

Did you counter that with “if your son doesn’t like it he can move out, he’s 19”!

What’s good for one is good for the other!

Jumpers4goalposts · 12/06/2025 18:02

You haven’t given your solution?

The reality here is you haven’t got enough rooms for everyone to have their own room so either you have to make room, make do or move. If your family that includes everyone including DSS although it’s clear from your posts that you do not see him as family.

5128gap · 12/06/2025 18:03

Move out of the master and divide with furniture/curtains/stud wall so two of the DC can share it, and you and DP take their vacated room. You and DP both have responsibility to your respective eldest DC, and one doesn't trump the other, so both need accommodating. You and DP had two additional children, so its really down to you two to make any sacrifice required to house them all.

llizzie · 12/06/2025 18:05

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:15

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

He is an adult. You children are not. He must find his own way in life. You must do what is best for your minor children.

Send him back to his mum or make him find somewhere else.

I know one should welcome the kids back when they leave home, but this situation is not like that. You did not sign up for your DP's DS, did you?

ManchesterLu · 12/06/2025 18:06

Sorry but DP's son is a man, he's 19, old enough to get a job and a place of his own, even if it's a houseshare. Adults can't just move into other people's houses and demand their own bedroom. Nor should your children be made the give up their room. A 4 bedroom house must have some other reception room other than the main living room, maybe a dining room, where a sofa bed could go? It's not ideal but it's not fair if everyone has to move round. Having an adult DC come to stay doesn't necessarily mean they have to have their own bedroom.

Richiewoo · 12/06/2025 18:08

That's not the issue is it.

llizzie · 12/06/2025 18:11

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:37

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

You cannot possibly have him living with you if he smokes weed, and any other drug.

It is bad news for all of you. Smoke from weed damages lungs, and if his mother threw him out for that, you MUST too. It isn't your fault he hasn't grown up. That is down to his parents - you you made two children with one of them.

Time to part company?

If your DP brings him in the home and forces him on you, tell him if he doesn't leave you shall tell the social services your DP is putting your children in danger by bringing in a known drug user.

Call his bluff if he doesn't believe you. Don't make promises you will not keep.

Soal · 12/06/2025 18:12

Livelovebehappy · 12/06/2025 14:59

Shoved into a HMO it appears…..

Show quote history

You know, many of us were "shoved into an HMO" (ie, got a house share) when we left home. It's a pretty unrealistic expectation that people will be able to stay with mummy and daddy until they can afford a place on their own. Nice if everyone's happy with it, but if not I guess sharing will have to be good enough for him.

SheilaFentiman · 12/06/2025 18:12

A 4 bedroom house must have some other reception room other than the main living room, maybe a dining room, where a sofa bed could go? It's not ideal but it's not fair if everyone has to move round.

Not necessarily- with open plan living, it’s entirely possible there’s one lounge and a kitchen/diner (or one kitchen and a lounge/diner)

Richiewoo · 12/06/2025 18:12

Is your house therefore, your dp doesn't have a say.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/06/2025 18:13

Alshand · 12/06/2025 13:37

To answer a few qs — yes the 2 younger ones are mine and DP’s joint kids. DS18 is from my previous relationship. House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago. So no, he doesn’t get to just start chucking my son around the house like furniture.

Re DSS… it was a long list that led to him being kicked out of his mum’s. There’s been constant drama. He’s been nicking money from her and her partner, smoking weed in the house when asked not to, refusing to go to college or get a job, couple of incidents of him being verbally aggressive (shouting, punching walls etc), sneaking people in when she was out, drinking, smashing a window during a row. The final straw was a police incident — he was accused of sexual assault by a girl he was seeing, nothing came of it legally but it blew things up and she said she didn’t feel safe. DSS denies it all but his mum said she couldn’t have him in the house after that and booted him.

He’s not in any kind of education or work atm. Spends most of the day sleeping or gaming. DP keeps saying “he’s just been through a lot, he needs time” but I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean my son should get shafted. DS18 is a quiet lad, keeps to himself, he’s revising most of the time and barely makes a peep. He’s already been walking on eggshells since DSS arrived because the tension is high.

I have read all your posts OP but returned to this one because it contains most of the (to me) relevant information.

From a later post:
"We were on/off quite a bit during those years. Lot of ups and downs, mostly around his ex and his son, and him not always stepping up. So I stayed in my own place and just cracked on with the kids, he’d stay over but wasn’t living here full time.
Things settled down eventually, he got more consistent and we had a good couple years where things were actually stable, so he moved in properly about 3 years ago. Thought we were in a solid place but now with all this DSS stuff it’s just chaos again."

Given the info from these two posts of yours, I think the best solution would be for your DP to rent somewhere and move himself and his son into there. You are right that DSS on the sofa is "chaos" . And "again" - so it has been chaos in the past?

Rewind. Go back to how it was 3+ years ago, with him elsewhere but visiting.

GiveDogBone · 12/06/2025 18:14

The 19 year old is a deadbeat loser. On no account should he be given his own room, he needs to be put in an uncomfortable decision which encourages him to move out asap (ie sleep on the sofa).

He also needs to get a job. Charging him rent will provide the right incentive.

Vaxtable · 12/06/2025 18:14

Sometimesbetter · 12/06/2025 18:01

Can you split the largest room you have in half at all, even if this means giving up your master bedroom? For either the two youngest DC or the your youngest son and step son. I think it is really important that 18 year old DC is not disrupted during exams. Alternatively do you have a downstairs room you can temporarily convert or corner off as a bedroom for step son? Very tricky as I agree you can't easily kick your 18 year old out of his room really, probably don't want opposite younger children sharing now they are older, but also your step son should feel welcome (as long as safe for your other DC to have him). However, unless you have have been unfair on your step son in the past, your husbands comment about your 18 year old moving out is outrageous, he is still basically a child and I assume this is his main house.

Alternatively, especially if he is not safe around your other children, can you help your step son find alternative accommodation. Personally I would want step son in house to support him unless I thought he was a risk to the other children in any way.

Why should she! I wouldn’t be have a drug addled assaulter in my house with young kids

I accept the oartner has 3 kids in this house, but he should be protecting the younger kids from the adult one, who doesn’t seem to have made any effort to find a job etc

Op be very careful that when your ds goes to uni the 19 yo doesn’t move into his room, you need to make it very clear it’s your ds’s room and it’s not going to anyone else
At 19 he can find a room share get a job and live there

if your partner doesn’t like it he can go with his oldest son, and see the younger at yours because I would let them be going anywhere near their older sibling

SpryCat · 12/06/2025 18:15

Reading between the lines, OP got pregnant quite early on in relationship, her partner was having trouble with ex and son so it impacted their relationship, they were on and off again for years. OP got pregnant again but DP wouldn’t step up so she just carried on bringing her children up alone, in her house. Three years ago, DP moved in, DSS was coming over and staying but then decided he didn’t want to anymore. OP’s children then and only then all had a bedroom each
Stepson didn’t want to respect his mum’s rules, got violent, punched walls and smoked weed in house and has been accused of Sexual assault, his mum is too scared to have him living with her. Why should OP’s children suffer? He needs tough love, not everyone having to swap bedrooms just to accommodate him and walking on eggshells.

Anak321 · 12/06/2025 18:15

I feel so sorry for the 19 year old. I was that child, mum with new boyfriend so not wanted there, dad with new wife so not wanted there, at a very young age due to parents new partners I was outcast and made the problem and found myself homeless at 16. It does cause you to go off the rails a bit when your parents don't care about you and you feel so unwanted. Shame on his mum washing her hands of him. I really wish people wouldn't get with new partners who don't accept their children, although alot of new partners pretend to accept partners child until they have children together them true colours show.
Dad needs to move out of yours as it's clear you don't welcome his son, he needs to find a place for him and his son and preferably enough space to have 50/50 custody of the younger two. This is a very crucial time in 19 year old life so I hope his dad steps up for him.

MrsPinkCock · 12/06/2025 18:16

Christ no, YANBU.

His errant son doesn’t get to come into your house and decide that everyone needs to pander to him. He was kicked out, that’s his own fault, so he sleeps on the sofa or he gets his shit in order, finds a job, and gets his own place.

Amazed at the audacity of your DP tbh, telling you how to run your house!

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