To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

In this instance I cannot think of a worse idea than yet more people rolling over for him, so that he can fuck if all up.

This could be the opportunity for him to start thinking about how when you behave like a total cunt, no one wants to live with you.

I don’t know whether he is someone who listens to anyone, but if his plan is just to be Stoner-Boy at your expense then he can get to fuck.

I definitely wouldn’t put this man on the mortgage, but he can certainly pay living expenses beyond “bills”

How much parenting has the lad's dad done since being with the OP? The can be all sorts of reasons why a young man goes for the rails. I wouldn't personally give up on my own son easily. The dp moved in 3 years ago with OP but they have a ten year old child? It all sounds quite chaotic.
(and I was sarcastic rather than passive aggressive, with no attempt to be "clever" - I just have an alternative point of view).

As he has been kicked out then a sofa is fine and he shouldn't greatful for a roof over his head. The others shouldn't have to be disadvantaged due to his poor behaviour that gor him kicked out.

It's not a long term solution. Your DP should help him get a job then to rent a room. If he wants privacy then a caravan on the drive or a tent in the garden???

There is an easy solution here. He moves into a flat and rent with his eldest. It’s your house, your kids don’t share. Options could be loft conversion, garage conversion but you need a long term plan.

Your boyfriend doesn’t even pay half the mortgage and don’t put him on but he has savings right? As he hasn’t been paying rent or a mortgage.

He isn’t working and hasn’t got a job - how long are you intending to put him up for? He’s not making a contribution. Why did you even tell him he could stay?

Big difference in answer would be the sexual assault allegation. You said nothing came out of it? Was it because there was not enough evidence to prosecute or was it a malicious report? You at least should have an idea whether the allegation has any tingle of truth. If you think it does, you need to protect your own children and keep him away.

Where do you think his child can stay?

He is an adult.

If your eighteen year old DS plans to go to Uni after his A’Levels watch out as possibly your DSS and his dad will wait it out and take his room then.

Need a solution to be found asap - before summer hols.

Maybe tough love - a job and his own place - is what the 19 year old needs to turn his life around? Has he ever worked? When did he leave education?

Clearly DSS needs to get his act together and sort his own situation.

If necessary you should kick DP out as it’s your house and your rules.
DP can go rent a place with DSS.

I wouldn't recommend split custody of the two youngest so that they spend 50/50 between the parents: sounds like the 19yo shouldn't be sharing space with young children.

The trouble is that if DP moves out and DSS goes with him, then the younger two children will inevitably be spending time, probably overnight, in the same house.

You need to find him a Bedsit PDQ.
if you help and get him to sign on and getting housing through universal credit, with the freedom your stepson gets he won’t want to move back to rules.
The reason is once your son goes uni or starts to work your DP will let his son sponge of you, so for a bit of cash now you can be stepson free by the end of the month. DP is not paying you rent, so he can pay.

It's a safeguarding concern. You don't have to allow this shitehawk anywhere near you or your children.

If partner is bullying you, tell them both to get to fuck, immediately. Why are you allowing him to lay down the law in your own home?

Maybe the 19 year old could move out and find somewhere like a houseshare? He's the oldest.. but I don't think him suddenly coming back after not wanting to be there should mean everyone had to moves rooms for him. Even if the 2 oldest have to share

To those suggesting that the two younger children should share a room again, may I speak as a girl who had to share with my 3 years older brother until I was 9, then with my 9 years younger brother until I was 16 and we finally moved to a 3 bed house and I got my own room and some feckin' PRIVACY at last.

The 8 year old girl should NOT have to share with her older brother and certainly not because the unemployed 19 year old has fucked up big time at his mother's house.

Nope, all the way. DP can rent somewhere with his ds. There isn’t a bedroom for h8m, so bye bye, but more importantly, smashing up stuff, verbally abusive, smoking dope etc, he wouldn’t have been allowed across the threshold, particularly with young kids in the mix.

And he is making demands that you kick your 18 year old son out for his 19 year old son? What a shameful idiot.

While I agree this is a difficult situation and I can see what he would want to support his son, that does not justify in anyway they statements that he made including that your son is an adult at 18 and should move out while his 19 year old son moved into a house that he doesn't own or pay the mortgage for 😂 😆. What a joker.

His son is 19 and older than your son so he should move out first and given your update about his behaviour I wouldn't even want him meet my younger kids.

He's gone way over the line. Presumably he didn't ask if his son could move in. I'd not have him another night under my roof with smoking weed, girl shoos, no job or study. He has no impetus to change any of that. That's probably only the surface of things but it was enough to be the straw breaking the camel's back for his mum.
Your DP has shown his true colours over this. Whoever isn't of his sperm doesn't matter. He would probably have your son on the couch! I would be showing him the door and having higher standards for your relationship and partner. The DSS is never not going to be around. So you either put your son second or you put him first. Putting him first means partner and son are lower down the pecking order. Quite honestly I would be packing both their bags.

House is mine, in my name only, mortgage paid by me (DP contributes to bills but not mortgage). DP moved in about 3 years ago.

DP gets no say in this. You're being generous allowing the 19-year old to stay at all. Your DS is revising, he needs his own room.
I'd be encouraging DP to move out and take his 19-year old with him!

Since the house is yours then it’s your decision. If your husband doesn’t like it perhaps he could contribute the the mortgage and you get a bigger place. With four children between you and the situation you describe you need a 5 bed house.

I have to say this thread is very different to the usual MN stance that 'once you get involved with someone with children you have to accept they're a package' and 'you should always understand that DSC come first' and 'you always have to accept that any step children could one day move in'. It's very interesting.

The debate here isn't whether the ss has been treated fairly though. That's absolutely not OP's responsibility. He has 2 parents who need to figure out how to do right by him. If OP has an especially strong moral compass she could force husband to move out and support his son but that's where her responsibility ends. She doesn't have to compromise her children's safety or wellbeing for an adult and how fucking dare her DH or anyone else suggest that she does.

Not a good idea, OP has kept him off the mortgage , she doesn’t want to give him any ownership foothold , “ But I paid for the pod, it’s my pod, if you throw me out of your house I will move into MY pod”

DO NOT LET YOUR THAT MAN (yes he's a grown man) NEAR YOUR 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!

Sorry for the caps but accused of sexual assault? Fuck that he can get lost along with his father

Good for you sticking up for what is best for your son during a pivotal time when he needs you most (exams).
This is YOUR home that you have provided for your kids and no one else is entitled to a room.
I’m with you OP. You’re in the right here.

DP adult son should stay on the sofa temporarily - as a kindness - while he sorts him self out. He is not your responsibility and enabling him won’t help him. If his Mum has washed her hands of him things must be pretty serious, and the drama won’t be good for the other children. If DP doesn’t like it, maybe suggest they get their own digs together?

I think its because 19 years old is not a child, its an adult. And an adult who has drug problems, been accused of sexual assault and has no job prospects.

I wouldnt want even my own biological child under my roof is they did any of that, and I had other children.

If SS's own mother felt unsafe, why should OP take this young adult into her home?