To think DP’s gone too far re room situation?

[Alshand]

Hi all, posting here for some outside perspective as I’m feeling stuck and a bit torn.

DP’s adult son (19) has just moved in full time after getting kicked out by his mum. Long story but basically she’s washed her hands of him and he’s ended up here. Fair enough, we’ve got a 4 bed house so not like we’re tripping over each other, but it’s still causing problems.

DP and I have one room
My DS (18) has his own room
Younger DC (boy 10 and girl 8) each have their own room now because they’re getting older and can’t share anymore (she’s 8 but quite grown up and they argue constantly if put together)

When DSS used to come over now and then, he had a room (what’s now younger DS’s room). But he stopped coming as much a while back and that room got used. DP knows this. DSS was v distant for ages and pretty vocal about not wanting to come here, influenced by his mum turning him against DP tbh. It was all very strained.

Now suddenly he’s here full time and DP thinks my DS18 should move into younger DS’s room to “make space” for DSS to get his old room back. I’ve said no. DS18 is doing exams, he’s not a child, and he’s my son not DP’s. DSS didn’t want to be here until very recently and the younger DC can’t share at this point. DP thinks DS18 and younger DS sharing is “temporary and not a big deal” but I don’t think it’s fair to kick DS18 out of his own space.

We had a row about it last night and DP came out with stuff I honestly didn’t expect. He said “your son’s nearly a man, he doesn’t need his own room like the little ones do” and “you always put your kids before mine” which really hurt. Then he said “if he doesn’t like it, he can move out, he’s 18” — about my son! I just said no, I’m not chucking him out of his room to make my partner’s life easier. It felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into it, saying “so your son gets to be comfortable but mine gets punished again?”

Feel like I’m stuck in the middle. Don’t want to cause a row but this isn’t sitting right with me. DSS is 19, could be in a houseshare or whatever if it came to it. My DS18 isn’t some spare part to be moved round like furniture.

AIBU to think DP’s pushing it too far? Or should I be more flexible?

Thanks if you got this far.

I feel a bit sorry for the 19 year old.
Your DH doesn’t why him to be unwanted in both homes.
But that is not yours, or your DS fault.
Tough situation, blended families…

This young man is older than your son and thereby the MOST able to live independently. Moreover, if he's desperate for accommodation on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour, HE is the one who has to put up with whatever is available - not the already resident children.

Furthermore, it's YOUR house. Make the decision as the householder.

As you DP appears to be living rent free could he not pay rent for his son. Your DSS to live in a shared house or bedsit. I would not want my 18 Yr old disrupted during exams and there doesn't appear to be any space for DSS. Presumably if he doesn't work or study he would be entitled to some benefits, which may push him into getting a job, which may not be a bad thing.

The 18 year old should absolutely keep his bedroom and not share.

Agree with this. Your house, your decision.

OP I agree that you should advocate for your son and not turf him out of his room. However, like it or not you are a blended family so you need to sit down with DP and properly find a solution that doesn’t involve you both shaming the other one for wanting to prioritise your non-shared children. In this scenario you both need to treat all the kids as your own and find a sensible solution as a family. If not then there really isn’t much point in you being together.

You can't have that around your younger children
Your DP needs to move out and get a place with his ds and try and get him on the straight and narrow

Maybe if he behaved at his mothers house, instead of being a juvenile delinquent cocklodger, his mother would still be happy to house him.

No you can’t give him your son’s room, particularly while he is doing exams. I would temporarily get the two younger kids to share with a view to Dss making up with his mum and going back there.

But also your DH is very out of order for saying what he has!

That's a massive drip feed

You shouldn't allow this young man to be in the house with your younger kids.

ALSO, ITS YOUR GODDAM HOUSE

Your DP and his tearaway young adult kid can GTF.

Exams won't last forever, he could share after they end.
But of course here the OP's adult son is an angel and the adult stepson is the devil incarnate!

I think your DP should share with his 19 year old son and you should share with your daughter. Nobody should be sleeping on the sofa long term.

I would have no problem telling your DP I think his SS is a lazy little shit and will not ever be welcome in my home, I refuse to tolerate healthy adults who can't be bothered to work,

Then maybe the son’s dad should pay towards some housing costs rather than “just bills”. At the moment him and his three kids are all having the roof over their heads being paid for by the OP.

If the dad wants his son prioritised he should do like most adults and pay his housing costs.

I bet when OP went into a blended family situation she didn’t anticipate being the one to solely pay the mortgage housing 6 people

Feel free to offer him a room at yours then. OP has young kids who deserve to be safe in their home.

DSS needs to grow the fuck up and sort himself out with a job and somewhere to live.

By all means help and support him, but do not give him the easy option of disrupting your lives by moving in. This not only for your benefit but his too in the long run.

You're being snarky but actually you're right! The son is safe to be around children the ss isn't. That's kindof what everyone is saying so your passive aggressiveness isn't actually clever

Yes I agree with all of this, which does beg the bigger question - what’s the point in being together when the set up clearly isn’t working? Especially for OP.

Could your partner get a caravan for him to stay in? Not ideal I know but cheaper than him moving out with his son and disrupting the younger children. 19 is still quite young to move out on his own.

Fair enough, ALG. I don’t have teens or step-kids.
So, I haven’t got a clue… Just seems tough, to me.

We turned our dining room into a bedroom , could that be an option ?

Your DP is the issue here. He needs to find his son a place of his own or move out and take his son with him. Your house is not a hostel for unruly teens or dossers.

Considering the full context it sounds like neither of them should be there, really. Why is a grown man who lives there full time not contributing towards the mortgage? Was this your decision?

Can you put a divider in the biggest room and have the younger 2 share that? May mean changing your bedroom depending on sizes