Being labelled unreliable as a working mum

[Positivegirl]

I am absolutely working as hard as I can. Because I have to pick my child up from school I am now labelled as unreliable. I work extremely hard and I see colleagues at work completely slack, turn up late and not meet deadlines. I have been labelled as unreliable because I am a working mum. I don’t have another choice but to work, I let work know it’s half term but I still go hard I work 200% while my child is in half term and never miss a meeting or deadline. I do school drop off/pick up and run back to work. I travel for away days at work I run back to get my child and run back to the desk.

it’s never enough I’m doin the best I can and it’s heartbreaking to have people who don’t have children to tell me I’m not doing enough and that I am not reliable when I know I’m performing more than others. My project manger is always late, canceling meeting last minute and not meeting deadlines for us as a team to continue working. But I am unreliable as I leave to go pick my child up (in the hour that would be my lunch break as I don’t bother having lunch)

I feel like giving up I work for me and my child to give us a good life but I’m not doing enough there. Then in motherhood I’m working to hard.

im drained to the bone with judgment from both sides from people I know could not juggle what I do as a working single mum. Im fed up

I’m not gonna say it’s not been a bad day it has. I’ve had a meeting with the CEO and HR and my line manager backed off as was nicer. But I believe maybe the fact that I am a mother my line manager is not too keen on me. I do my job I do my work. Compared to my colleagues my clients and looked after and happy. I’ve been fed back out of other teams our is most organised and my project manger had told me I am thay organised that I remind her about her own work.

i am just frustrated and drained but I defo feel given the opportunity my line manger will find a way to get rid of me. Maybe because I’m not in the pub on a Friday or maybe because I genuinely am the only mother.

When bosses say 'if you've finished go early ' they mean now and again, if there's not something else you could get started on. They don't mean 'leave early every day and don't bother booking any childcare as a permanent thing'! You're what, finishing at 2 every day? That's 15 hours a week! If you're not careful your work will notice that your job can be done in part time hours and then they won't need a full time person

I think you should just sit the project manager down and say - the CEO I'd happy with my performance. He recognises that I have childcare responsibilities and that that affects my availability but nonetheless he is happy with my work and my performance. I have had reasonable adjustments and flexibility agreed formally so I can collect my child from nursery. I appreciate you are unhappy with this but this is the situation. If you have any other suggestions as to how I could better meet your requests I'd be open to hearing them but unfortunately the flexibility that has been agreed by my manager is not something that is possible to change given my circumstances.

I do agree with others though that you really can't work with your two year old there, it is a really bad idea. You must be able to find another option -could you eg team up with another mum in a similar situation and each take the two kids two afternoons a week and take those off? Agree formally that you work between eg 0830 and 1330, then 1900-2100 or whatever it might be? Your child needs your full attention as does your employer, and it just can't work trying to focus on both simultaneously.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/universal-credit

If you are feeling targeted by your line manager, I would keep a record of any interactions, emails etc.

So you haven't even looked into what you'd get on UC if you dropped your hours?? Facepalm.

Reading OP posts I am inclined to say either negioate a better contract with work I.e part time hours or consider moving jobs. I find it hard to believe that all employees are full time, OP you sound unhappy in your current position. UC is great as a top up for working parents.

It's not because you're a mother. It's because you're looking after a toddler while you're being paid to work, every single day.

You really can’t work for a couple of hours a day looking after a 2 year old. You are either not doing your job or not parenting properly. I had a 2 year old during Covid and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

I read through your posts, but must have missed it, where is her dad? Is he around?

If you have the CEO and HR on your side... make sure it is documented and clear that your are permitted to take your break at that time. Get it in writing. Keep a file of positive feedback. Ensure your objectives and goals are clear, that you document your achievements. Keep your head down.

Hi @Positivegirl

I haven’t read full thread. Apologies!. I am a completely loan parent - no help whatsoever.
and I worked full time with a big job and managed many hundreds of people returning from mat leave - many were direct reports who I managed on their return to work.

This is what I did advised my colleagues and it tended to work!

1. You have to give some days completely over to your work, and some days over to your child. I advised a few days where you worked through no pressure to leave and sometimes catch up on stuff later into evening . This is also good for your head that you’re not rushing or torn. I always did Mon, Tues Wed til later and would try and get home for bed. I had someone who helped with after school care and collected and cooked for my DD. Many colleagues split with their DPs who had to leave or pick up. Or they paid for after school care.
2. Thursday I would collect and this was pretty red line for me - meetings were booked so I could go home get my DD and spend some time with her. I would then go online once she was in bed and catch up. Everyone had their day or two where they could pick up and eat with their kids and then catch up later in evening if they needed to. Other days people were expected to work as needed and be present until 6.30ish if not later.
3. Friday was a mixture - sometimes I could get off early or she went to her friends for a play date then I would collect her. I would return the favour by doing all the party runs and having my friends’ kids over at the weekends.
4. weekends were my DCs time. Meant I wasn’t going out much for me or dating - but that’s when we spent quality time together.

The essence is - if every day is cut short and you’re worrying about getting out for pick up, not eating lunch then hungry later … it’s just rubbish for you and will affect your work in some way.

Give some days to your work without a firm end point - and then you can relax and stay or work later think more freely and catch up and then get your dd the other day or two. Explain to your DD what you’re doing and that you love her, that you are working to earn money so you can buy food and live in your home and buy toys.

When my DD was a teenager I had older teenagers who were a bit cheaper to hang out with her as I was often quite late home from work - again Mon, Tues, Wed and just keep an eye on the cooking.

Splitting the week into days for you and days for work is a game changer not just for me but for many many women who worked with me.

You probably should be using things like after school club? If you are stepping away from your desk every day at 3 for a school run when you could be using after school club then yes that is likely to see you labeled unreliable unfortunately. It means nobody can schedule a meeting at that time ever.

i have read the whole thread now and can see you have a pre schooler.

this is still tough. I was lucky enough to be able to afford to pay someone to collect my DD from nursery for a few nights and I did others. If you can’t afford this and god knows it’s expensive. Then please know that this is the toughest time from a logistics point of view… it’s so so exhausting.
There are always amazing women who pioneer in these businesses and others will realise how amazing you are and what you’re juggling. Somehow you need a bit more help, to eek yourself a few more hours a couple of days a week so you’re not rushing off/ cutting short every day. Think this will be a game changer for you @Positivegirl

Feel free to PM me x

Same here.

The organisation I work for is hugely supportive of working parents, and has won awards for its family-friendly policies, but even they wouldn't be happy with someone working while simultaneously caring for a toddler.

If you have to care for your child after pick-up and it's still working hours, something has to give. Is there scope to reduce your hours so you finish in time to collect your child and care for him? The drop in money may not be great, by the time you take account of how much less tax and NI you'll be paying. And you could be entitled to Universal Credit to make up some of the difference.

OP, it isn't clear. Are you claiming UC? If not that would really help with childcare and maybe you could even use a nursery.

You say the CEO is happy with your arrangement so is it actually formal and do they know the extent of you not being available?

If so then you shouldn't have a problem saying in front of HR and your line manager that CEO says it is fine that I only work mornings until 12 (or whenever pick up is) I then am unavailable to work until 7 and I will then work til 10 to make up hours.

I am very much under the impression that the CEO is not aware of you basically taking the afternoon off every single day and why you are ignoring all comments telling you to put a formal flexible working agreement in place.
You need to stop burying your head in the sand and making excuses and either do it properly or sort childcare like everyone else.

Is this a formal or informal arrangement? Can you get it formalised?

Do you block out your lunch break (pick up) and label as such? Eg lunch / out of office.

If your line manager complains follow up in writing.

You're not getting it @Positivegirl. YOU ARE UNRELIABLE. you're leaving work throughout the day, you might have to leave without notice if your child is unwell as there's no one else. Other single parents also have to do this so it's not singling you out, it's just stating a fact.

Also this for single parents: capuk.org/money-and-debt-advice/benefits-calculator?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=18898463953&utm_content=140314028341&utm_term=benefit%20checker&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=18898463953&gbraid=0AAAAAC7dS704Qkpy-VQrhhkVV4MNBFPDC&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0qTCBhCmARIsAAj8C4ZCqC8_fPA0WYWT9cxShQM4dyAs9nbrceMPNQRjO5Z9fAwt2uNAauQaAgZgEALw_wcB

I’ve only read your posts, OP but I don’t understand where the children go once you’ve picked them up if you’ve returned to work? Who has them and why can’t they do the pick up?

We had this with a colleague who would disappear off for pick ups and then it was a grey area as to who was then looking after the children. It caused quite a lot of bad feeling as then she was not available for queries so it fell to the rest of us to cover. You can't work effectively with children especially small ones. Thankfully she left of her own accord before we needed to formally raise it with our manager. The only time I would do it is for emergencies eg when they are sick as otherwise it's not fair on anyone, the employer or the children.

You can get UC and work full time depending on your salary. I do. If I didn’t have rent and childcare to pay for I wouldn’t but it helps a lot!
have you checked if you’re eligible?

@Positivegirl You really need to answer:

1. What are your contracted hours
2. Have you looked into UC if you drop them

What childcare? Places are nigh on impossible to get. I have to do my own school runs as there are no suitable childminders with places. Not one. I've tried and tried. The last one for our school went out of business during covid.

38hrs a week
48 weeks a year (taking hols off)

1,824

Assuming you are using the hols at least in the school hols you have no childcare for at least 9 weeks they are off so 342hrs

You are then looking after a child for a minimum of 2hrs a day so 390hrs

732hours working with a child…

40% of your working time!!!

I would be pissed as well!!!!

i woke for a larger company similar to one you have described who works with externals….you are lucky that externals haven’t caught onto this as I would be less than impressed if my account partner was like this.