to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

[WhoAteTheLastBrownie]

I'm in my 50s and this has been a lifelong pattern: I'm not actively disliked, but I'm very rarely actively included. People usually describe me as kind, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, but I frequently find I'm not someone people think to invite to stuff, or think of at all really. Friendships only seem to happen if I initiate, host, or offer something.

I honestly have noticed this a lot over the years and just lately I've made a point of not initiating anything and wait for people to get in touch, but it doesn't happen.

I'm starting to wonder if there's something in me that makes people hold me at arm's length, or if this is just a common adult experience. I do have two long-standing friends from childhood, but adult friendships have always felt slightly off, like I'm liked (or not disliked), but never chosen despite me making efforts and quite often being the first to suggest something.

AIBU to feel hurt by this? Or is this just how friendship tends to work as you get older?

This could describe me to a t - had friends in school bur no one actively invited me to participate. As an adult I have no friends. People like me I presume but no one likes me enough to do more than small talk. I've learnt to live with it - maybe I need to find my tribe but I wouldn't know where or how. I suspect I have mild autistic traits so perhaps that's part of the problem - my husband always asks why I can't hold eye contact with him!

Same here. Same all my life. Never really had that best mate but lots of lovely friends at more of a surface level.

If I dig deep though, I do think some of the problem is me. Sometimes I automatically assume if someone doesn't contact me they don't want to meet up/talk etc.

This means I'm often not the one to initiate things as I'm waiting for the other person to do it.

It's probably not true! They are probably feeling the same about me... Just waiting for me to be the one to initiate a meet up etc...

I think this is just lack of confidence and as I get older I try to be better at this.

Could it be that you aren't left out, but you're just waiting to be asked and included rather than taking the bull by the horns and being the one to ask them??

Yeah that's even crossed my mind too, but I have gone through tons of information and done the research (not in an obsessive way, it is part of my job😁) and apart from this, nothing else from the autistic experience fits.

YANBU to feel hurt. I have the same. Essentially I’ve never been anyone’s first choice (other than DH!). I don’t have close or best friends who I chat to every day / week / month.

I do have nice friends, we are scattered about the place and get together once a year and have a good time but it can feel a bit superficial and like we’re on catch up mode rather than in depth chat. I did a bit of thinking about what I want from a friendship and what I’m prepared to put in. The reality is I find WhatsApp chats that ping endlessly, or people always in and out of each others houses exhausting and suffocating. I also think you have to work hard at a friendship to start something unless you are lucky enough to just click with someone instantly. So you have to show up, be fun, listen hard and remember stuff that people tell you, be interesting … follow up and be proactive. And if you’re not getting back what you put in, move on. Finding an interest group, book group, hobby is just the launch pad really, I don’t think those things provide instant friendship.

My reply was to @Motomum23 by the way
@Smugzebra, honestly, I so want this to be me so that I can do something about it, but I have tried being the one to initiate things and nothing seems to change

This describes me perfectly and always has done. I wonder if I am perhaps ND or at least maybe socially awkward which is odd as my job involves talking to people all the time. I genuinely dont know how people go from just small talk to being friends. I even have that situation where people will talk about a party or an event around me and never even think to invite me along. To be honest I find it all a lot of hard work these days so tend to settle with socialising around a hobby or something a bit like an adult version of a toddler group

Maybe you're choosing the wrong kind of people, if this is a lifelong pattern? How are you as a friend, and what do you want from your friends?

Hmm. Are you funny and good company? Do you have particular interests that you could use as a base for friendships, whether that's crochet, birdwatching or arguing about politics?

These two factors have formed the basis/starting point for most of my friendships, several of which have then become deeper with time.

In group conversations, are you generally more of a contributor or an audience member?

I think your first question is key. Well, not necessarily 'funny', but good company, certainly. So many posts on here about being left out of friendship groups, or not invited to things, or being on the edge of friendships seem to focus on 'How can this be, I'm a nice person, always willing to help out, without a nasty word to say about anyone?' When I think the real question is 'Are you someone the type of people you like want to be around, not just inoffensively nice?'

I think this is common in the modern world. back when people lived in small communities, you could be friends without much effort, because you'd see the same people at the school gate or at church or in the high street.

In modern big city life, everyone has to make more effort to keep friendships going and keep in touch with people. at the end of a busy day at work, it is easier to watch TV than send messages to plan meeting up. but it is still worth making the effort. Other people will appreciate it and you will get the benefit of the friendships even if you are the one doing the initial work.

Don’t you think that’s true of most people? There are a few very charismatic people who are first choice for quite a lot of people and the rest of us just bumble along.

One of my oldest friends is godmother to my child. She is godmother to eight other children as well. She’s lovely - down to earth, kind, funny and a pleasure to spend time with. If she were to type of person to rank friendships, I might squeak into her top ten but she’d probably be in my top two or three.

I think it’s also confirmation bias. We notice when we are excluded more than when we are part of things.

I don’t need to be anyone’s first choice aside from my partner. If I enjoy their company and they enjoy mine, how central to the social circle I am shouldn’t matter.

People are caught up in the stuff in their own lives. We can forget that when navel gazing from our own perspectives. They aren’t thinking about our relative worthiness or otherwise as a friend because they are busy dealing with their own shit.

I rarely get invited to anything, I have to do most of the organising. People seem to like me (I think I'm fun and kind), and I normally say yes to invites, so I don't really know why.

I wonder whether it is that I don't share much about my internal world and whether that keeps things superficial

Not everyone can be funny. I’d know very few people I’d describe as “funny” and they tend to be the people who don’t struggle socially and are always included anyway! But you need to find points of connection and initiate things based on shared interests in middle age. Very few people are actually that witty and fun person on everyone’s list, and it’s easy to look at those people and think you are doing something wrong. But actually you are just like most people. Stop waiting for the invitations to roll in as some kind of test of your own true popularity. Being the organiser and the proactive one is absolutely fine. A lot of people have a lot going on, work, family, caring responsibilities, money can also be an issue, so probably do less than you think. If you organise meet ups and trips out and people are happy to join you, that’s a way you start to build connections and become the person they then think to call.

This is me.

I had a group of friends from my late teenage years, but I was always an outsider. They would book holidays and I wasn’t included - even when I said I’d love to go, they would say it was just thier group.

About 15 years in, I stopped initiating contact and a decade on, no one had contacted me. One was even my sons godfather!

I always have the same experience. I’m friendly, really fucking funny, people like me but I am never thier actual friend, they always talk about “doing stuff with friends” and I’m always on the outside.

I host lots of play dates, we have parties which people always enjoy and ask when we having another - yet I am never invited to their events.

Well, if this has been happening with entirely unrelated social groups all your life, it's something you're doing. Which is good, because if you can identify it, you can change it.

I don't think you have to become comedian-level funny at all. Just the ability to make wry comments about modern life, work, parenting, the weather etc is helpful.

Like a previous poster I have known people who were lovely kind people but just presented as very bland - maybe out of lack of social confidence . It did limit their friendship opportunities.

I'm a bit like this too - have some long established friends who include me but I have never been able to make that jump with adult/work friends to being part of a 'circle'.

I couldn’t have said it better myself. You’ve just perfectly described my thoughts.

I’ve never been able to work it out.

People seem to genuinely like me, I’m friendly, I help them out. I’m already getting messages asking if we are going to have a party soon that we do annually. But I am never seen as an actual friend.

Ditto, sure I’m asd and I’m the same.

Same, sure I’m asd. I wonder sometimes if I’m not fun enough 😂

Not unreasonable to feel hurt, I am the same. I had lots of friends when younger but as an adult it is a very different story. I have some longstanding friendships whom I see 1-1 a couple of times a year but like a pp it can feel like a few hours of cramming in updates, not much deep chat, and I can leave feeling even more disconnected!

I did have a couple of local friendships and neighbours, through the kids, but they have waned as we've got older.

For me a late autism diagnosis has explained so much, I now give myself grace and don't chase or instigate. I do feel lonely a lot, however I find friendship very draining in general so at the moment I am sitting with the loneliness and just trying to accept myself and my needs more. Funnily enough I have found that the loneliness is not limited to actually being alone; I have felt lonely in friendships too. Fortunately I have a great DH but sometimes that is not enough. It's hard.

I am soon to be 50 and can't make the jump from acquaintance to proper friend. I think I struggle to open up to people about myself, which does keep it on a very superficial level, and probably lack confidence socially. I also think I am not that interesting or funny or can offer much in the way of friendship as I am an introvert. I would dearly love some good friends locally though - I've no idea how to get past these issues.

I feel like this too, similar age, similar experiences. I get on well with colleagues at a surface level. I hope I am kind and thoughtful.

Tbh I have given up on friendships to an extent. I had some amazing friends at uni and in my 20s. I do also recognise that to a certain extent it is me..... I have had some horrible experiences with people, some big bereavements and losses. I don't actually fully trust the majority of people now , and subconsciously I expect that I push people away to maintain my own safety.
It is lonely though at times.