to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

[WhoAteTheLastBrownie]

I'm in my 50s and this has been a lifelong pattern: I'm not actively disliked, but I'm very rarely actively included. People usually describe me as kind, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, but I frequently find I'm not someone people think to invite to stuff, or think of at all really. Friendships only seem to happen if I initiate, host, or offer something.

I honestly have noticed this a lot over the years and just lately I've made a point of not initiating anything and wait for people to get in touch, but it doesn't happen.

I'm starting to wonder if there's something in me that makes people hold me at arm's length, or if this is just a common adult experience. I do have two long-standing friends from childhood, but adult friendships have always felt slightly off, like I'm liked (or not disliked), but never chosen despite me making efforts and quite often being the first to suggest something.

AIBU to feel hurt by this? Or is this just how friendship tends to work as you get older?

I make a big effort but lately I cut back as felt all one sided efforts in people keeping friendships going

I was diagnosed at 50 to 😀

You are known as the party friend, and delivering something useful but maybe you find it harder to be vulnerable? To be yourself? It’s easier to party than it is to he completely yourself maybe? Choose more honest, quieter friends and start expecting reciprocity from the beginning and see how that goes. You will soon build a deeper friendship. Drop those that use you for parties. I run a three strikes and you are out policy. It’s never failed me. Unless they invest in you the person, then they are not welcome back.

Nope. I like having parties, and throw really bloody good ones, but I am always myself. Always. I don’t like bullshit. I’m a really nice, funny person and very caring towards others. But I am me at all times, I don’t change around anyone and I don’t hide my feelings.

I am also completely non judgmental. I have my own opinions but I don’t begrudge anyone theirs and I don’t push mine - and I don’t give a shit what other people do or think - I wouldn’t drop a friend or change my opinion of them for differing political views for instance, like I read on here so often. I love that we are all different and think different things

Maybe it is a lack of self awareness? Sometimes funny isn’t best. People want a hug and to be listened to now and again. Just as a suggestion.

Of course I do that too.

It’s very hard to put across my entire personality in a few posts on a forum!

People like me and seek me out. I “know” a hell of a lot of people. I volunteer in the community, help out at school, run the PTA stuff, help organise events.

But I am never seen as a proper friend.

And I think I am very self aware. I worked in mental health and in community services - that sort of does that to you.

Would you mind sharing what else led to your diagnosis?

My doctor suggested I get assessed for ADHD and autism..I was sure I had bipolar,and had asked to be assessed for that.
I spent a lifetime trying every possible antidepressant,to find they didn't work or made things worse.. doctor was like ...hummm where do we go from here ..then when I said I had two children diagnosed with autism and a cousin with ADHD , doctor said ..if I get assessed for autism and ADHD and they come back negative,I can be assessed for bipolar...so 3 year wait later ( as I wanted it done on NHS not right to choose) here we are .

I do know with women it's like looking for a needle in a haystack trying to differentiate between, ADHD , autism,eupd bipolar ,and trauma.
But the NHS assessment was excellent,no stone left unturned.
I'd heard of right to choose being a lot less thorough and done quickly,and I didn't want that ,I wanted time to prepare for a diagnosis and time to come to terms with it ,so the 3 year wait was what I needed to get my head round it ,and then when I received a diagnosis I knew ,it was correct as it was thorough and it wasn't a shock

I have no interest in any of those things either. I have 0 interest in sport of any kind, can take or leave musicals and spa days, hate reality TV and barely drink alcohol (and hate being around drunks). There are masses of people like us and we're not "boring" just because we don't do what everyone else likes to do.

From this most recent post it sounds like you may just be looking in the wrong places for friendship. The sorts of friendship circles that convene around things like sports and drinking don't lend themselves to building lasting friendships, they're really more about building alliances of convenience.

It sounds like you may just need to find different social groups?

@LateQuartet i'm not the person you're addressing, but I am curious - why do you think no one reached out?

@Chickenstewie I found your posts very relatable, especially the bit about "you might as well have told them that you had eaten a piece of toast for breakfast".

I feel the same. I have lots of kind friends any of whom I could calling if I were in fix ... I am widowed and on my own. And I socialise a lot and meet people in those settings and get along fine. But I have no very close friends.
Sinc losing my OH I seldom get invited to things ... I mess up the numbers...
Also I sometimes wonder if the fact that I am the person who runs several things locally is a factor .. . I run and conduct choir and a local arts festival ... maybe people see me as "the boss" ... who knows?

@mischance. I don’t think people see you as boss, but I’ve concluded there are ‘club’ people and ‘non-club’ people.

For example, we got a dog and I was keen to do activities with him once past the puppy training stage (and now do them). Dh is happy just to take him for walks, playing him at home and has no interest in joining a club at all. Also, looking back at a past hobby of dh’s, he was happy doing it socially, and had no interest in entering competitions etc.

Sometimes I think that joining a club is a substitute to having friends, in that it’s an easy way of socialising.Then I reprimand myself and tell myself that we’re all different and there’s not a right way or wrong way.

I used to be in the middle of friendship groups and ngl it felt great. But it also came with a massive amount of effort. Being friends with a couple of other core members separately and constantly and the we would organise things for everyone. It also sometimes made me anxious, if dynamics changed for example.
Now I have a lot of issues and stress, I prefer to be the drop in friend but I also the feel left out sometimes.

Great post. My most involved friendships have meant more effort than I would normally want to give.

I'm not disbelieving you, obviously (and certainly I also see posts on here saying the same thing about being widowed or single meaning not getting invited to things), but it does blow my mind. In the eyes of many on here, I'd be considered a lousy friend, in that I tend with withdraw from other people if I'm having a hard time, but I can honestly say that it has never occurred to me to issue invitations based on relationship status. Perhaps in part because I find those groupings where, say, the women are all friends, and are accompanied by patently uninterested boyfriends and husbands who don't really know one another, or vice versa and making the best of things. Life's too short to spend time with people you wouldn't choose for yourself.