to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

[WhoAteTheLastBrownie]

I'm in my 50s and this has been a lifelong pattern: I'm not actively disliked, but I'm very rarely actively included. People usually describe me as kind, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, but I frequently find I'm not someone people think to invite to stuff, or think of at all really. Friendships only seem to happen if I initiate, host, or offer something.

I honestly have noticed this a lot over the years and just lately I've made a point of not initiating anything and wait for people to get in touch, but it doesn't happen.

I'm starting to wonder if there's something in me that makes people hold me at arm's length, or if this is just a common adult experience. I do have two long-standing friends from childhood, but adult friendships have always felt slightly off, like I'm liked (or not disliked), but never chosen despite me making efforts and quite often being the first to suggest something.

AIBU to feel hurt by this? Or is this just how friendship tends to work as you get older?

I think not wanting to talk about your kids closed you off from a huge connection in your relationships. Do you not have any mum friends, friends of your dc? If you never spoke about the one thing that most people have you isolated yourself.

@WhoAteTheLastBrownie You mention work situations. I feel I’m on the outside there also. Newer people seem to gain more in depth friendships sooner, and have been out for coffee with workmates. Not me. I seem to be the last to know what’s going on as well. I’m not excluded as such, more not included, if that makes sense.

I feel this way too mid 40s. I have about 7 really close friends, but they have families and other friends.

I am quiet but a slow burner. Takes me a while to warm up. I don’t know why and I think that’s the reason. Also better in small groups. I am funny, kind and love to chat.

i joined Meetup and that has increased my circle.

Someone up thread mentioned that by volunteering, they made friends. I do know people this way, but feel my social life is through organised activities, rather than spontaneous. Ie. I socialise by going line dancing, not through being invited to go to the pub by a group of friends.

It’s not to say I don’t have friends I meet up for meals etc, but I’m not in an inner group of people. Ie. It’s couples here and there rather than one large social. I’ve also realised that one main friend I had as drifted sadly, partly due to circumstances (care of elderly parents). However, I initiate coffee meet-ups, which are never reciprocated.

Sadly, my dc seem to be going the same why which is a huge regret and sadness of mine.

You have 7 close friends, that’s really good!

The initial post from OP is exactly my situation. I am on the outside, I amnused to it now and accept it.

I'm so sorry that you were let down like that. I hope things get better soon. Sending hugs 🤗

Me too...
I think I'm seen as a bit aloof at times, it's really more that I'm a bit awkward. Nowadays I tend to play down any interest in being included in plans, less embarrassing all round if I'm not.

I am the same Brownie. I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and it explains an awful lot! People think I am kind and thoughtful - but I guess I'm not "fun" or very talkative.

I'm getting sick of large group friendships, as I struggle with things that aren't authentic

I know exactly what you mean op. I’ve never really been the main friend or even in a friend group (barring an awful group at uni who I no longer speak to, which it feels like a personal failure having no uni mates).

It’s like an injustice that some horrible people have lots of friends, I didn’t expect that to carry on after school.
Building a community may help with the loneliness and feeling like you don’t belong. I think it’s a numbers game and you’ll eventually find your people if you meet enough people.

How does that work? I was never isolated because I didn't want to talk/ hear about kids. I had many work friends and many child free friends.

Why are mum friends more important than that? I was back at work 13 weeks after my eldest was born so no time hanging around doing ' mummy " stuff

Trying to understand what you're describing. Are you saying you have a social circle who invite each other to things but leave you out? Or you host friends and this isn't reciprocated? Or that people you know casually don't make moves towards a closer friendship?

I am a bit like this but if I really think about it I am always waiting to be invited and tagging along rather than being the active glue of my friendships.

Well, then make more individual friendships? Though if you aren’t happy or look visibly uncomfortable in group settings, does that explain why people who genuinely like you nonetheless don’t invite you to parties or other group occasions, because you clearly don’t enjoy them?

I can relate to a lot of this - I tend to bimble round the edges of groups, part of the periphery rather than the core. Always felt like there were “rules” which other people knew but I didn’t. I also find it really hard to judge how people feel about me (positive or negative) which makes things more difficult. But at some point in my 20s it occurred to me that if I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I could not-quite-fit-in anywhere and that really helped me become more socially confident and adventurous (eg living overseas). I also realised that, especially as I get older, I don’t have the energy to maintain multiple close relationships, especially as it doesn’t really come naturally to me. I think it’s important not to become too isolated, but also to accept that different types of relationships work better for different people.

@Aozora13

“Always felt like there were “rules” which other people knew but I didn’t. ”

That so resonates with me.

Same. I know I have ADHD (don't wish to diagnose as it's going 'out of fashion ') but some mild autistic traits too (wouldn't meet diagnosis threshold) it does explain an awful lot. Especially the rules thing, where they get something that you don't.

I definitely do some hosting that doesn't get reciprocated.
People who know me casually don’t tend to make moves towards closer connection. But you could argue I no longer do it either.

As for a social circle, I wouldn’t say I’m part of one exactly. I have two friends (T and S) who share a common interest with me, and most get-togethers have been arranged and hosted by me. T will usually contribute something, but S just turns up. Recently, something awful happened that I knew would have affected S. I contacted S, offered support, and suggested meeting up. She responded warmly and with gratitude but didn’t follow up. Instead, she ended up catching up with T, and then a week later, they met again at T’s, and I wasn’t included.
What stung was that when it was S’s birthday, I hosted something for the three of us at my house. I made an effort: food, drinks, a gift, and while T brought something, S came empty-handed. A few months before that, I’d done something similar for my own birthday, and S gave me a handbag I’d seen her use before, clearly not new, even soiled, and again brought nothing for the gathering.
It’s not about the gifts, really. It’s about how invisible I often feel, and how the effort never seems to come back the other way. This latest incident is what made start this thread. I guess I need to just admit that S is just not that into me and that both S and T are perfectly within their right to meet without me, but it hurts, that's all.

@WhoAteTheLastBrownie yes thats hurtful. I remember good advice on here dial back the friendship/match the energy. Im not chasing people anymore. Im not great in big groups. I just meet one to one now. We do coffee or cinema. Find big gangs very clicky

It’s just an easy way of bonding for most people.

Ha!!! looks like so many people are in the same boat!!
I'm uninteresting, sulky, easily offended , jealous and really cannot talk for very long about myself as there's zero of interest to mention!! I can disguise my true self for a while but the truth always comes out in the end!!
I like the idea of all these friends and invites but in reality I think I just want to be asked I don't actually want to go!!
I don't really have proper friends just acquaintances to have the odd coffee with but I do have female relatives who are pretty nice to me and I notice they are so confident about talking about themselves . I really admire that even though I also find it incredible the amount of detail they can go into!!
Sorry I realise this isn't a good contribution to make to the thread - just reiterating my own issues I guess!!

What’s really good though is how you recognise why, that even though you wish things were different sometimes you still acknowledge why it doesn’t happen for you.

I saw a video online about a woman talking about being a floater friend. It basically describes someone who is liked, there’s not necessarily any reason for it, but they are no one’s “best friend” and are usually not the first person someone wants to speak to or see socially.

One sided friendships are really hard, I know I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I’m guilty of not putting in the effort to some friends and I’m also guilty of being hurt by people I thought I was close to not make any effort to see me.

I honestly don’t think you need a circle of 10 friends. One or two close friends who you can rely on is enough. If you do feel like you are making more effort, talking to your friend if you’ve been friends a while and previously close might help get things back on track.

Sometimes I feel like being too available can make people put less effort in, you’re always there so people can pick you up and drop you

Stop being “nice” just be yourself. (And fun if you can - I’m much wittier when I’m me and not being nice).