to feel hurt that I'm always on the edge of friendships?

[WhoAteTheLastBrownie]

I'm in my 50s and this has been a lifelong pattern: I'm not actively disliked, but I'm very rarely actively included. People usually describe me as kind, thoughtful, emotionally intelligent, but I frequently find I'm not someone people think to invite to stuff, or think of at all really. Friendships only seem to happen if I initiate, host, or offer something.

I honestly have noticed this a lot over the years and just lately I've made a point of not initiating anything and wait for people to get in touch, but it doesn't happen.

I'm starting to wonder if there's something in me that makes people hold me at arm's length, or if this is just a common adult experience. I do have two long-standing friends from childhood, but adult friendships have always felt slightly off, like I'm liked (or not disliked), but never chosen despite me making efforts and quite often being the first to suggest something.

AIBU to feel hurt by this? Or is this just how friendship tends to work as you get older?

do you have kids ?
I found when my friends started having children they faded out of my life and I had to do all the running , and was hurt by this until I had kids and I was too knackered and poor to keep up any sort of social life

I am emerging from the trenches at 50 and want a life but menopause and cost of living has zapped my energy and socialising spare cash

it may not be anything wrong with you at all

There's a woman I know who was both nice, keen to make friends and lived local to me, but I distanced myself because her only topic of conversation was her children. Who were in their teens, not tiny.
I just get very bored when people talk endlessly about their kids. Even though I have kids.

Not saying this is you btw. Just saying being nice and keen isn't enough

I feel the same as @WhoAteTheLastBrownie but I do recognise that I’m a bit of a slow burn and that most people aren’t going to put the effort in to really get to know me if I not that appealing from the off. Not really sure how to get past it as an adult other than regularly attending things with the same group of people so they get to know me over time - this is starting to pay off (I think) as some of the people in my classes are nearly friends (18 months in!)

You could’vd been describing me, tbh

I have never been someone to talk about my kids, ever, and I find other people talking about theirs relentlessly really boring. My kids are now in their late teens anyway, so I can talk about them in a general sense, the difficulties of raising young adults, empty nest, etc, but won't go on and on about them.

I suspect I might be a bit intense in that I like authenticity and I am probably superficially not fun. Interestingly enough, I need a degree of safety to be fun, and this rarely happens.

I have a 'people pleaser' acquaintance similar to one mentioned up thread. One that asks the same questions over and over to appear interested but doesn't really listen to the answers because their brains are scattered. I recently asked her if she fancied a coffee. Instead of saying she was a bit busy and suggest another time, she said 'sure but it will have to be here because I am in the middle of a whole bunch of stuff...' I appreciate that she might have felt under pressure to fit me in because I suggested coffee, but to me it made me feel like an inconvenience. I definitely try to be far more attuned and attentive than that.

I’ve noticed this in work settings too. There always seems to be one person who thrives on performative socialising. At my current job, there’s someone like that who seems to constantly need attention and adoration. I see right through it and refuse to play along, but everyone else seems to fall in line. It’s like she’s built herself a following, and people act like her cheerleaders. I don’t understand it. She’s not particularly skilled or insightful, just loud and always performing.
I’m professionally competent, emotionally grounded, and I don’t feel the need to fawn. But I can’t help noticing that once again I seem to be on the periphery for not buying into it. It’s not that I’m cold or difficult, I just can’t do the constant approval-seeking thing. I feel like being discerning and self-contained ends up costing me socially, and I don’t know what to do with that.
Does anyone else find this? That refusing to engage in that kind of group dynamic means you end up excluded, even when you’re perfectly likeable and good at your job?

Do you know, I find, it's usually the 'loud' or extroverted characters or the 'controversial' ones that gain most friends

That took longer than expected - the “let’s slag off extroverts” comment. There’s never a thread about friendships that fails to paint extroverts as the lucky but unworthy recipients of society’s attention.

I suppose it’s a reflection of life online - by its nature there will be a disproportionate number of introverts on an online forum. But it does get pretty tedious.

Someone else being outgoing or getting their energy from interacting with others doesn’t suck the oxygen out of the room. There aren’t a limited number of Friendship Sunloungers they are metaphorically hanging their towels on, to the exclusion of life’s introverts.

Being quiet or shy doesn’t make someone morally superior to someone talkative or confident. It certainly doesn’t make them “nicer”, as @SquashedMallow is saying.

I love the extroverts and the introverts in my life. Neither takes anything away from the other.

+1000!

I don’t think this is about introverts versus extroverts. It’s more about how certain styles of interacting tend to be more socially rewarded, especially in group settings like work. Being warm, visible, and socially active is often seen as more engaging or likeable, even if it’s not always backed by much substance. That’s not a criticism of anyone’s personality, it’s just an observation about how group dynamics can work.
The thread started from a feeling of being on the edge of things despite being capable, supportive, and steady. It’s not about resenting others for being confident or outgoing, it’s about the quiet disappointment of not being actively chosen or included when you’re not part of that more visible or performative style. Just sharing an experience that I know others sometimes relate to.

Of course being warm, visible and socially active IS more engaging and likeable.

Yes, you're right, those traits are often more engaging and likeable, especially on first impression. That’s kind of the heart of it, really. People who are naturally more visible or socially expressive tend to draw others in more easily. It makes sense.
The tricky bit is when people who are more reserved, thoughtful, or emotionally steady don’t get seen at all, or are consistently overlooked, not because they lack warmth or value, but because their style doesn’t immediately register in group settings. It can be hard to feel you're only ever included if you perform a certain way. I guess this isn’t about saying one style is better than the other. It’s just about how tiring it can feel to be socially peripheral when you’re showing up in quieter but equally valid ways.

I think the emotionally steady and reserved are appreciated in marriages. Or with really old school and uni friends. So you are right there.

At work or in group settings, quiet and shy people get overlooked.

Hard op feel the same. I stopped putting energy into friendships as feel got all one sided. Are people just so busy now. I dont know. My friend is lovely in her 60s she said just stop chasing up people. But then you see nobody

Thankyou for understanding what I was trying to say ❤️

I could have written your post. I totally get where you're coming from. I adore my children more than I can put into words, but they're my private life, out of work. I don't feel the need to talk about my home life at work, and to be honest I don't want to particularly hear monologues about the mintuae of other people's either . I definitely get your point on the "performative" socialisers and people playing the script they're supposed to play around them. I took prefer authenticity and deeper connections. I prefer "one or two good friends" rather than a group- you find your sort of people in the end, but it can take time. They're worth waiting for when you find them.

Ps thanks also for understanding my original post. It was more of an analytical observation of human behaviour and social dynamics than a dig at extroverts. You got me at least. Perhaps we're on the same wavelength 😁

What do you want from a friend? Are you sure you want friends other than the couple you are close to? You seem to be more interested in why you haven't got friends rather than how much you actually want them. Do you think you're a good friend or do you just tag along for the ride like part of the furniture. I only say this because I've realised over time that some 'friends' are really just remnants of a bygone time and if it wasn't for social media, I'd barely know they existed. You may not bring much to the table because you're a natural introvert and don't gain much from being immersed in other people's lives. Could be totally off here as don't know you.

Sorry you had that experience growing up. I can absolutely understand how that shapes you and your interactions.

I completely get the going into "private mode" in case you reveal anything that is exposing or makes you too vulnerable. I get that too. And as you say, the one time you do it, you rang up regretting it. So you go back to the blue print method. It's tricky.

I also totally get not wanting the "checking in" thing, it feels suffocating and a continual reminder of a problem that you've already put to bed. I had that with I confided in a friend that I was having some bad days mental health wise once. The constant "how are you feeling? Remember this is temporary, just try to make yourself a cuppa and get yourself out of bed. " And I was thinking 'ive already long been out of bed, ferried two children to school, prepared tea and cleaned the house " I know people mean well but I just wanted to forget and move on from the bad days I was having (internally) I really didn't want advice or to keep droning on about it. I think we are in a toxic time of feeling we must "give advice " whenever anyone presents a problem. Sometimes you just want to get a quick confession of your chest and have someone listen, then go back to talking about normal stuff together.

Respectfully, in describing yourself as ‘capable, supportive and steady’, you make yourself sound more like a not very exciting kitchen appliance than a person. A work team might need someone with those traits, or they might be handy in an emergency, but I don’t choose my friends using the same criteria as I would a new dishwasher, or what they would be like in a crisis! Most of my life isn’t a crisis.

Plus you seem to be leaning into a familiar Mn stereotype when you suggest the ‘warm, visible and socially active’ person ‘isn’t always backed up with much substance’ — what do you mean by ‘substance’? Aren’t we circling back to the hoary old Mn favourite ‘Extroverts are superficial meanies to whom sheeple are attracted for the wrong reasons, while the introverted hearts of gold languish unseen on the edges’?

You seem to be saying ‘I’m unexciting but reliable, and I’m sad that other people don’t appreciate my reliability’…?

I do want more friends but I think I am shite in group settings.

Thank you so much for your kind reply! I just decided to share it in case that anyone is like me, despairing about not having lots of friends, but not being entirely 'compatible' with close friendships as such. I also find group chats etc tedious and exhausting which doesn't help!

This is me to a T - lots of friendship groups but always seem to be on the periphery. Always been like this. My sisters have large friendship groups they would do anything for, which I never really understood.

I have had friendships that were close then fizzled out. I also find that I tend to shy away from relationships of any sort when they get too intense. Intense for me, it turns out, is what many people see as quite normal.

I have been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism in my 30s and now things make a lot of sense.

I think this post explains a lot.

Does she have a hearing loss? I do and find it hard to join in with conversations, get bored if I can't hear half of what's going on and don't necessarily laugh when everyone else does if I've missed the joke. But I'm desperate for friends so I persist with trying to talk to people. 1-2-1 at home is far easier than in bigger groups or outside.

@WhoAteTheLastBrownie I'm the same as you and have come to the realisation in the past few years that I'm almost certainly AuDHD. I'm never anyone's bestie and find it so hard to make friends these days and my closest friends all live miles away. I'm really quite lonely and don't know what to do. Add in my hearing loss and I'm a lost cause.

@KatherineofGaunt I am partially deaf and everything you’ve said relates to me. I don’t tend to tell anyone as I’m self conscious about it but it makes it so difficult to manage in a social situation in any group more than 2 really as I struggle to follow conversation. Also quite lonely!

That’s such a good quote. Sums it up perfectly.

Right? It makes me sad that this woman is inviting people over but no-one ever goes. How are they supposed to have more in-depth conversations and get to know her if they don't give her a chance?