Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

My husband regularly works away and sometimes it’s just him or sometimes he’s joined by a female colleague. They all stay in the same hotel. I trust him implicitly. If they’re going to play away they don’t need to be away from home to do so. You’ve got to have trust or the relationship will fail. Though I can see on the face of it why you’re uncomfortable with your husband’s arrangement. If you think there’s anything untoward going on could you not offer to join him for a few days and see what kind of reaction you get.

W.T.F

There’s no limit to what these men will do, is there? But why you putting up with it is what I want to know. You shouldn’t even need to ask if this is normal.

he's moved in with another woman!

I should have expanded. If my husband was away all week and I missed him (I mean I probably would at least some of the time) it would feel a bit crap I was home alone (bar the kids) and he was having a nice dinner and watching tv with someone else. We’re boring btw, watching tv while we eat is our couple stuff 🙃 she might as blow him really. All joking aside, I’m not territorial, neither is he. Both have friends who are opposite sex to us and it’s no bother. But this would bother me.

I really don't get what kind of person would resent their partner having a nice evening watching rubbish telly and having their dinner with someone who they had a good friendly relationship with.
If my DP told me he felt crap because I was staying at a male friend's house and watching telly with him (this happens quite a bit; I frequently pet-sit for a male friend and we usually overlap at the beginning and/or end of my stay), I'd wonder if he was quite all right.

I can’t think for the life of me why you don’t read all my posts before commenting.

Every situation in which two people of the relevant genders and sexualities are alone together "could" lead to an emotional relationship. Sharing a lift. Getting a train together. Working together. Talking at a party without a chaperone, heaven forfend. We're firmly in "segregate the sexes so as not to tempt the poor menz" territory, if you go down that road.

But none of them will inevitably lead to an emotional relationship (including eating dinner and watching crap TV) unless they're minded to cheat, and that is why we live in a society where men and women are actually permitted to mix with each other.

Unless you're a paranoid MNer of course.

Well, I think you both sound completely rational and caring of each other's feelings.

I'm sure you will sort it x

He’s not brushing off my concerns as paranoia. He has agreed with me.

Sorry this is absolutely batshit. In your world married men are just... not allowed to socialise with single women? They have to scurry to their rooms. hiding their faces, and eat their sad little microwave meals by themselves?

I cannot say it clearly enough: eating dinner with a man and watching TV with him is not remotely complicated and for most people does not lead to an affair.

Do that, meeting the landlady may reassure you. I hope so. It sounds as though he is in 'digs'.

Do people realise that this has been resolved to the OP's satisfaction, and the ongoing discussion is completely after the fact? I mean, I'm enjoying it, but I'm just saying.

Oh yes - that dastardly “single woman” out to steal all the husbands!

An incredible number of women in brittle relationships/terrified that their partner will find a better option on this thread, judging by the replies.

I couldn't be in a relationship with that little trust.

That "all" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there.

You're away from home. Your OH has the freedom to wander from room to room, make food whenever they want, and to have a glass of wine with a friend.

Meantime you now live in a bedroom, have to negotiate to use the kitchen (and presumably clean it before you eat, otherwise you're leaving a mess for the other persons), eat your food (probably smelly to some degree) in your bedroom, on your lap, perched on the side of the bed, then sit on his bed with a glass of wine, listening to the OH's interesting day. I'm very much doubting there's a table, chair, and sofa in his room. And probably no TV either, so that's a laptop perched on your lap also (but obviously not at the same time as your food, so you probably eat in silence)

Ok - that's overegging it slightly, but I'll swear some of you have no idea what it's like having a home where you want to be, and a partner you want to be with, and not being able to be do it 70% of the time. And having work colleagues who do go home to the OH at the end of every day just makes it even more isolating,

I presume they already started taking turns cooking because, as you say, it was more sensible, but that act itself seems to be part of the issue being "a domestic intimacy".

OP is legit to make her concerns known but I do worry about the paranoia of MN'ers generally when DH is not 100% available for monitoring.

My husband has a few good female friends and I don't object to him socialising with them at all and I don't always go with him because I don't know them all that well and they are his old colleagues that he was very matey with, not mine.

That situation is very different to this one.

Obviously the situation is resolved now but FWIW my husband has lots of female friends, some I share with him and some just his. He actually went away for a weekend with one once and ended up sharing a room with her which didn’t bother me at all knowing them both.

I would no issue with him sharing a flat with women and being sociable.

In my view, none of that is the same as having cosy nights in with someone of the opposite sex (assuming you’re both heterosexual) drinking wine, chatting and cosied up on the sofa in a repeated, one on one situation. I find it a wee bit odd some posters can’t see the distinction between that situation and a normal, social interaction. Luckily for me, my husband could see the distinction.

You're presuming she's straight and you're presuming they're 'cosied up on the sofa'. They could be sitting in separate armchairs or on a sofa each.

I find it 'a wee bit odd' that people think that eating, drinking and watching TV with another person is an abnormal social situation.

One off’s with an existing mate is fine but this is every weekday. It’s the sense of someone you’re married to having an alternative cosy domestic set up away from home with another woman (it doesn’t matter if she’s gay or it’s non-sexual). It would be like living with his ‘office wife’ during the week. Anyway, he has agreed that his wife is not being unreasonable.

This use of 'cosy' and 'cosying up' etc on this thread is really weird.
If someone is away from home are they meant to make themselves as uncomfortable as possible? Perch on their bed to eat? Or perhaps stand up? Sit in their room with a glass of tepid water and read improving literature or a religious tract?

And is it automatically 'cosy' to sit on a sofa/chair and watch telly? Or does it only become so if the person observing/commenting doesn't like it? Like those threads on here when someone is 'parading' or 'swanning' around a changing room naked, except you know if you're not batshit that they're just, you know, inhabiting the changing room like everyone else.

I wouldn't fancy sitting on my own most nights, while my husband is eating, drinking wine and watching tv with another woman.

I don't think that's unreasonable.

You make it sound like he's just decided to ship out and live with someone else for lols. You do realise this set-up is for work?

And why must everyone be on their own? Can you not go out with friends or family, or have someone round for dinner and a film or something?

Would he be so chummy with his host if it was a man or would he stay in his room?

Im betting he would stay in his room.

So basically he's moved in with another woman. Highly suspect IMO. Did he know her before? Strikes me that she's 'the other woman'.

No she’s not. OP’s dh understands where she is coming from and is making alternative arrangements.

I don’t know how some people can’t see that turning a lodger type situation into something more domestic (nothing to do with sexual tension etc) can be disconcerting for the spouse left at home all week (again, nothing to do with sex). If OP said one weekend to her dh “let’s watch that series on Netflix I saw a trailer of, it looks like the sort of thing we’d enjoy”, “Oh sorry love, I watched it with Mary, I didn’t know you wanted to see it. I don’t mind watching it again with you though”. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t feel a bit low about the set up.