Not happy with husband’s new living arrangements

[MidnightOrange]

My husband has a new job in a different part of the country. He lives away from home during the week and comes home at weekends. Up until now he has been staying in hotels but now he has rented a room in a flat because he wanted a more settled base. All fine. My issue is that he has moved in with a single woman about the same age as us. They are eating together and watching the tv together in the evenings. I am uncomfortable with this. It just seems too close for comfort. AIBU to say to him that I am not happy. I think he would understand how I feel and change arrangements if i pushed for it but he has struggled to find somewhere that suits him and he likes it there.

This would be a deal breaker for me I’m afraid OP. A recipe for the end of your marriage because there’s already the familiarity of a domestic situation - eating and watching TV together. A bond will inevitably form and the opportunity/facility to take things further is right there. He needs a rethink, and fast.

Must be tiring having such a wild and prurient imagination.

Honestly, I never knew that eating dinner and watching TV with someone was so sexually charged

I doubt he would be so open about it if she was the OW. Some men are trustworthy. Some men don't cheat. There is an awful lot of suspicion on here, which I guess is understandable if people have been cheated on.

It's not sexually charged, but it is a situation that could lead to an emotional relationship.

I thought it was a situation where two people come home knackered after work and unwind by feeding their faces while watching Selling Sunset.

That’s always been my experience of living with a man not my partner, anyway.

wtf? You shouldn't even have to push for it. No way this would be tolerated by me if it was my DH.

Otherwise known as…a friendship? A cordial relationship with his landlady?

Honestly I thought I’d seen it all when going to the cinema or a coffee were designated “date only activities” by MN but watching TV and cooking being the sacred preserve of couples really takes the biscuit.

My husband works away and I wouldn't like this arrangement either OP.

A couple of glasses of wine, feet up, sharing about their days, maybe her in pjs....

All very innocent it may be, but it looks too much like intimacy for me.

Can he not just establish normal lodger boundaries rather than have to move?
When I had male lodgers we cooked separately and did not spend the evenings together! All he has to do is cook separately (or take turns if that's more sensible with kitchen space etc) and return to his room for the evening and call you for a chat over a glass of wine.

If your DH wants to have an affair he will do it under your nose. No need to move across the country.

If you don't think your relationship will last because of this arrangement then it likely would have failed sooner or later anyway.

It's a bit of an odd situation but manageable for a short period if you trust each other and keep up the communication etc.

Personally I’d rather have a friendly lodger who behaves more like a housemate (if I had to have a lodger) than a recluse who scurries back to his room to appease his paranoid spouse. There’s no rule that you can’t socialise with lodgers.

In what world are you BU or even feel the need to ask the question? If he had moved into a mixed shared house with several others, I could start to understand it

Why don't you tell him you needed some extra income, so while he's away all week you've rented a room in your house/flat to a male the same age as yourself and you're getting along like a house on fire....??

There's a middle ground between recluse and dinner and a movie 5 nights a week.

This isn't even a question of potential infidelity and more a matter of basic respect in my opinion.. I don't think it's very respectful for a married/committed man to basically have a second home with another woman, platonic or not. And there is no way in hell he wouldn't have issues were the situation reversed. It seems to me like he's playing dumb and hoping you'll brush your intuition off as paranoia.

That's a very vivid image you're painting.

Absolutely. He's spending more time with this woman than with you. It's weird, and he's weird for thinking that's just fine.

return to his room for the evening

How dull and depressing that sounds. You might as well staying in a hotel if you're going to live like this. Although at least in a hotel you'd probably be able to go and sit in the bar. Or do women on here veto their husbands going to a place that serves alcohol if they're not there to keep them on their leash?

It`s about trust really.
Do you trust your husband?

There was a divorced lady many years ago who had a 7 year old son. She lived in Blackpool and had a lodger who came from London. He had 3 daughters and his wife was so grateful to the lady for letting him rent a room that she even sent a letter of thanks.

That was 55 years ago. That was my birth parents. When my mother got pregnant he wanted nothing to do with me and ran back to his London family as fast as he could . I have 3 half sisters that probably know nothing of my existence. (I was adopted at 6 weeks)

Well firstly it depends on the bedroom, some bedrooms are lovely. And secondly that's what happens when you rent a room as a lodger rather than have a flat share with friends.

It's fine using the living room if that's included in the rent, but long chats, wine and movies every night is a bit much.

It's not about control of someone else, it's about someone recognising what are sensible and appropriate boundaries for them as a married man....or woman.

I was going to suggest getting to know her, if it would alleviate anxieties?

I have rented a room out before and it was through necessity not through desperation to find a soul mate. Your DH and this woman are in a tricky position, he needs a room, she needs to rent a room. Surely the most critical thing for DH is to find a nice place and not a crazy lady. Your critical thing is to find out if she is in any way a threat, after all if she was LGBTQ would it be fine? So, if you can eliminate the possibility of her as a threat would it be ok?

I know that we should all be grown up enough to accept that this is nothing more than a civilised lodging arrangement but I wouldn't be comfortable with it at all and I don't know many people who would, male or female. If it it was a couple or someone of the same sex it would be different. Or even if it was a single woman but he just went straight to his room, stuck a meal in his own microwave or little Ninja oven and watched his own TV.

But hanging out together, eating together and watching TV together, nope. That has the potential to get very complicated indeed.

The bedroom I rent out to our lodger is lovely. And very large. But I don't expect him to spend his entire evening in there if he doesn't want to.

It's amusing that you're telling me 'what happens when you rent a room as a lodger'. There's another thread running at the moment about people mansplaining; you might be interested.

I have house shared in the past with single men. I have never felt the urge to shag them and visa versa. Yea we would watch TV and wat together sometimes
It's horrible living out of hotels so I understand why digs are better for him

I can't for the life of me think why you haven't brought up your dislike for this arrangement. He can house share with men of it's an issue for you