To think child should have been told this years ago?

[Connected1]

So, friend (let's call him Al) married Bea, then got divorced after 6 or 7 years
Al goes on to meet Carla, they have a son David.

David goes to the school where Bea, his father's ex-wife is teaching. I always assumed that David knows all about Bea.

David is now 11 years old and Bea is his teacher. I just found out today that David has no idea that his teacher is his Dad's ex-wife.

Al plans on telling David about Bea when David is a teenager. I think it's crazy that David hasn't known about this since he was little.

I think he would have just completely accepted this as its no big deal. But not telling him makes it seem like it is a big deal.
Am I being unreasonable?

Why is it such a big deal? I mean, why the secrecy?

I don't think school would feel comfortable with it either.
That is a very weird set up.

I think telling him when he is a teenager will really mess with his head.
Of course he should have been told as soon as he was old enough to understand.

I think David should know that his dad was previously married to someone else. Not 100% sure if he needs to know the previous wife was a teacher at his school.

I do think though - presuming based on David’s age that he’s in Year 6 and in a typical two-form entry school - that Bea should have notified the headteacher and asked to be allocated the class he wasn’t in.

I agree, I think David will feel really weird about this when he finds out. It’s like lying by omission.

Is this even a real situation?

I've no idea. I only found out today. There was no need to keep it secret.

That assumes Bea knows who David is. I would have literally no idea if I crossed paths with a child of my ex!

Yes it's real. Why, does it seem very unlikely?

That’s true - well, David’s dad should certainly have notified the school and made sure that Bea didn’t become David’s teacher!

How does parents evening work? It’s nearly the end of the year - there must have been a couple by now. Was that not unbelievably awkward?

If there were no children from the marriage its just a previous relationship, I don't see how its really that important. Its one of those things that is as weird as people make it.

Why is it important? It has no impact on Bea or David. There is no residual relationship. It is ancient history.

I don't think keeping secrets is a good idea but this is stuff that happened more than a decade ago. It's irrelevant. I haven't told my son about my previous long standing relationship. Why would I?

Teens generally do not like to think about their parents sexual relationships, past or present.

Good point. I assume Bea probably knows as its a small town and people tend to know each other.

Stories like this should be interwoven and sprinkled into conversation so that they just always exist. I remember first mentioning my XH while reading The Paper Bag Princess when DD was 2 or 3 as it seemed a good time to mention I had my own bum in my history.

It also seems like a conflict of interest and something the school would want to avoid. Classroom volunteering, parent meetings, etc would all have a level of relationship that is typically avoided if possible. I know it’s not always possible, but then people definitely need to be aware and stay on top of the situation.

Who goes about telling their young kids about all their past relationships from before they were born, that's just weird.

It's not important - I think young children will happily accept any reality they're presented with and it wouldn't be a big deal.
It's just the fact that David WASN'T told that this teacher was his Dad's ex-wife that will make it a big deal when he does find it.

How could the teacher not know? Does the school not have meet the teacher nights, parent teacher conferences, etc?

Past relationship maybe not, but if you got married surely that's worth mentioning?

I dont see any issue. I suppose at some point in the future it might come up that he was married before but only if it comes up naturally ie talking about previous relationships (it may never happen). Even then it is unlikely child will ask more about ex wife. If they do "oh you remember your old teacher, it was her."

I think telling the child while she is his teacher would have been more awkward.

David is old enough to deal with this information without it impacting him. Like someone else has said, not mentioning it is when it becomes an unnecessary issue.

I feel like the most 'hurt' person would be the teacher/ex wife. It would hurt me to teach my ex's child but i dont feel like as a kid i would care who my dads ex was.

In our school, there are several families where the mother does all the child stuff and the father is very minimally involved. There are some fathers who will only have met their child's teacher once or twice, if at all. I imagine it's even easier for contact to be avoided at secondary where you don't need to pick up.

well, David’s dad should certainly have notified the school and made sure that Bea didn’t become David’s teacher!

Would Bea have had any idea last year that a child in the year below was the child of her ex?

I personally don't think it's that big a deal and I think a lot of kids wouldn't care or be interested.