To think child should have been told this years ago?

[Connected1]

So, friend (let's call him Al) married Bea, then got divorced after 6 or 7 years
Al goes on to meet Carla, they have a son David.

David goes to the school where Bea, his father's ex-wife is teaching. I always assumed that David knows all about Bea.

David is now 11 years old and Bea is his teacher. I just found out today that David has no idea that his teacher is his Dad's ex-wife.

Al plans on telling David about Bea when David is a teenager. I think it's crazy that David hasn't known about this since he was little.

I think he would have just completely accepted this as its no big deal. But not telling him makes it seem like it is a big deal.
Am I being unreasonable?

Well it’s up to Al isn’t it whether he tells his child or not? You’re entitled to an opinion on the matter but starting a while thread - Good grief 😂

I couldn’t imagine starting a thread about someone else’s personal life that has absolutely no impact on me.

So, I’m alright thanks 😉

Oh come on, it's completely different. I mean your family don't need to know all about your girl/boyfriends.
If you marry them - it's a different story.

Of course, I think teen years are emotive regardless so anything that rocks your sense of self can be tricky. As I found out myself I worried I may have siblings I knew nothing about. I'd always felt lucky to not have to navigate divorce, step parents etc and suddenly I felt thrust into that. Didn't know if/how to talk to my parents and if I should tell my siblings. Felt excluded and wondered why I'd not been told.

Nothing major or that has affected me long term but just a bit shocked really.

Why? It’s literally a piece of paper.

Thank you

How is it a different story when there are no children from that marriage?

Jeez, my marriage was shorter than most of my relationships!

I'm not sure it matters. Presumably if any of the adults had an issue they would have acted to avoid the situation. This way the child gets to work their way through school without it on their mind. It's not like the parents have to spill their big secret afterwards either, if they've got this far just treat it as something to be explained when it needs to be explained. Our 11 year old has never asked our individual lives before we knew each other.

It's a piece of paper with legal effects - tax, inheritance, property rights etc. Plus many people see it as a public declaration of their commitment & love.

I was in a committed relationship without marriage for years. But trying to say that being married to someone is equal to being someone's girlfriend because "it's literally a piece of paper" is disingenuous.

If it's a small town do the other parents and kids in the class know they were married? Is there gossip that will effect the child in years to come about why his dad and ex-wife/teacher split?
Does the child get special treatment by the teacher?
If no to any of the above I don't think it's as big as deal as your making out

If there are no children of the marriage between Al and Bea then why does David even need to know his Dad was married before.

Why should Bea not be his teacher?

A complete non issue imo.

Insofar as David is concerned in what way?

It’s totally irrelevant to David and he never need know.

B and his dad were in a long term relationship. There were 0 kids. They’ve gone their separate ways.

There’s no conflict of interest in school terms, so B’s long term ex of years ago is in her class. And?

people have relationships before they marry each other. It’s not a big deal and it’s nobody’s business but theirs.

If B made.a big deal of it and refused to teach her years-ago-ex’s son from his current relationship that would imply that there’s something between them and there isn’t.

As there are no kids they may not even have had contact since the divorce.

This is being blown out of all proportion and tbh I would probably never tell him because it’s none of his business other than from a curiosity point of view.

That depends.

if there were children born of the marriage then not.

If no children and it was a short marriage in this case, then it clearly was just apiece of paper and one of those mistakes people make.

I was 12/13 when I discovered my father had been married (and widowed) before. It was many years before I spoke of it to anybody. I felt that my parents' marriage was somehow less, because it hadn't been his first choice. It was perhaps a different time, when adoption was also sometimes hidden, but if I had grown up with the knowledge it would have been much easier.

My grandad was married and divorced before he met my grandma. Nobody told my mum and her siblings until my mum got divorced, when some of the oldies were aghast at the mention of the word.

It had zero impact on anyone.

In OPs case there is a child who is in the same class as his dad's ex wife. Huge professional conflict that the teacher should have declared immediately she found out who his parents are.

Lots of primary schools only have one class though-some really small schools have one teacher taking on several year groups. What's worse than this though, is a child meeting another child they're related to-and having no idea. If you believe the stories online, this happens quite a lot.

I don’t see why it matters. There were no children in the marriage. I don’t think David needs to know at all, it doesn’t impact him in any way whatsoever.

Why?

why does a child need to be told his Dad had a previous wife?

Yeah, I find this weird too. I live in a small town and have always know that Tracy (not her real name) is my dad’s ex. If my parents hadn’t told me from a young age then someone else would have because it’s a small town and everyone knows everyone. I much prefer having had the knowledge before, than finding out in passing conversations with others about Tracy. Especially if she was going to be my teacher! I’d feel embarrassed not knowing.

Most of my friends also know their parents exes where I’m from. Maybe not a requirement in bigger places but in small towns it seems normal to know this. One of my friends actually put her foot in it when discussing how her brother was blood related to a woman we know (the result of one of her family members having an affair). The woman she was talking to had no idea what my friend was talking about as the family had kept it secret! They’d socialised for years not knowing they were closely related and it was very awkward for my friend. But her family have always been open about it. I think honesty is always best!

There is no professional conflict.

"Huge professional conflict that the teacher should have declared immediately she found out who his parents are."

Get a grip. They live in a small town. It's like with village schools, every knows everyone. My own mother taught her own children at school. No outrage.

If Bea cannot be professional and teach a child in a professional and unbiased manner, then she shouldn't be a teacher. I'm beginning to wonder if the OP is actually Bea, and she's dying to tell David she used to shag his Dad.

Well, I grew up with hearing about mum's previous boyfriends and hearing about how my Dad had previous flings. Absolutely no issue at all. Very normal.

If they'd have been married to other people previously, it most likely wouldn't have bothered me either. As I said before, if you hear these things when you're little it's not an issue.

But if they'd been married & kept it from me, I think that would really affect me, for the same reasons that others in the, same situation who commented here have said.

So I'm thinking that David will feel the same when he finds out that his teacher was married to his Dad. Whereas if it hadn't been a secret it needn't have been a big deal.

I’m not sure about this.
I used to love the teachers in my primary school and used to call them my second/third mums 🤣 I think it could be quite a strange dynamic telling a child so young that there was close history, think that could easily get muddled in their head a bit.
One day when mummy upsets him will he tell his teacher he wishes she was his mummy, or say I wish you were still with my daddy! Might be unlikely but kids say things and it just opens them up to this possibility.

Dont really see any problem with telling him when he’s older, if he really couldn’t go to any other school now then I can’t see it being a huge betrayal or anything to let him have his own experience without tarnishing his relationship with his teacher before he gets a chance to establish one.

I don’t know I’m actually a bit conflicted.

Yes it’s weird he doesn’t know, but it would also have been weird to bring it up I guess….I see both sides!

I am thinking that David like the majority of people on here won't give it 2 seconds thought and that you are projecting how you would feel on to him unnecessarily.