To think child should have been told this years ago?

[Connected1]

So, friend (let's call him Al) married Bea, then got divorced after 6 or 7 years
Al goes on to meet Carla, they have a son David.

David goes to the school where Bea, his father's ex-wife is teaching. I always assumed that David knows all about Bea.

David is now 11 years old and Bea is his teacher. I just found out today that David has no idea that his teacher is his Dad's ex-wife.

Al plans on telling David about Bea when David is a teenager. I think it's crazy that David hasn't known about this since he was little.

I think he would have just completely accepted this as its no big deal. But not telling him makes it seem like it is a big deal.
Am I being unreasonable?

Why? What’s the problem with her being his teacher?

I suppose I assumed it was all out in the open so there was no need for any awkwardness.
But the fact that it's been kept secret from David is making me wonder!

I don't see the issue either. It's not a conflict of interest for Bea to be his teacher and it's not common for people to explain to their children about past relationships, the fact they were married doesn't really make much difference compared to it being just a long term relationship given they were divorced long before David was born.

My DM never told me that she had been married years before she met dad. I worked it out myself as a teenager, it was upsetting and I still can’t grasp why she never said anything, all her family of course knew. Just an unnecessary secret that upset everyone because of the way it came out.

The poster meant that Bea couldn’t notify head teacher in advance about the conflict of interest because she didn’t know that her ex-H’s son would come to her school (didn’t realise). I wonder if this happened actually and to move David or Bea to a different class felt even more weird.
I don’t think David would be so upset if he found out later unless Bea would bully him and treat him badly.
Is it the case atm @Connected1 ?

By the way I agree with @Catapultaway who tells about their past relationships to their young kid unless specifically asked and it was relevant ? I wouldn’t.

Don’t schools in general try to avoid putting teachers and children with personal connections together? One of my child’s friends at primary school had an aunt who taught Year 3 at the same school. Their class was given the other Year 3 teacher, as was their younger sibling’s class a few years later.

It just seems like a sensible across-the-board principle to avoid putting teachers into compromising positions with potential for conflict of interest - opening them up to allegations of favouritism or (more likely in this situation) targeted mistreatment, if, for example, David gets a detention.

And - depending on the acrimonious the divorce was - there’s potential for extreme awkwardness in parent-teacher relations which isn’t in David’s best interest. If he experiences problems which require close collaboration between teacher and parents, this could be a barrier to resolving those.

It's weird NOT to tell them. Not a big melodramatic reveal, but there should just be casual mention of it from early childhood so that the kids are aware. They need to know not all relationships work out, and adults can move on and manage and meet other people and be happy. It's dishonest and damaging to try to hide things from children.
I have a friend who was briefly married before she met her now DH. I think she views it as a stain on her character for some reason (it isn't, it was just a mistake fuelled by a family tragedy that propelled her into a marriage, to try to give her family something happy, but ultimately for the wrong reasons) Her kids (from DH2 to whom she is still happily married) are now adults, and she has never told them. I find that so odd. It's not a big deal, but imagine one day they are clearing her house and they find pictures or a marriage certificate, or they do a search on a genealogy website. They will wonder what else they haven't been told, and feel lied to, when she is straight as a die in all other respects. Keeping it a secret turns into into a skeleton in the cupboard, whereas if she had been honest from the start it wouldn't need to be a big deal.

Does Al know you’ve written this thread and does he know you’re so invested in his and his child’s personal lives?

DH and I each had one serious long-term relationship before we goth together. Neither ended acrimoniously, and we’ve remained on Christmas card terms with our exes - which was then a window to mention it to the DC when they asked who ‘Sam’ and ‘Sandra’ were. It doesn’t need to be a serious sit down discussion, but surely your life pre-marriage and pre-kids comes up in discussion every now and then?

Similar for my DH - he found out when he was a teen (his parents were getting divorced as his dad had an affair) that his dad had been married before. There were no children from that relationship and the ex-wife had died about 10 years previously, but DH went from thinking his parents were happily married to finding out about the affair, his parents divorce and then a previous marriage in a very short space of time and it really affected him. He didn’t speak to his dad for 7 years after it happened.

My dc have known from a very early age that I had previously been married to someone else before I met and married their dad. Why anyone would hide this information from their children is beyond me.

Nothing to do with school - kids that age would not want to be related to a teacher. If he’d known since he was 4/5 fine, but at this age - year 6? - it’s a terrible idea - wait till he’s left the school, but eg. September would be fine as long as he won’t be seeing her every day.

I know someone this actually happened to. Their Dad mentioned in passing, when my friend was mid to late twenties, something about their first wife. Friend had absolutely no idea. Impacted him a lot.

Al definitely knows I think it's odd that he hasn't told his child.

Perhaps you should start a thread, asking if it's odd that I've not told him I'm starting a thread about it 🙄 🙄

It depends. Im assuming bea doesn't treat david differently to other kids in the class. And I'm assuming the marriage ended amicably.... in that case its a non issue and I would carry on as normal. If its rather the opposite then with bea and dad should have asked for him to be in a separate class.

This is true.
I did most of the parent's evenings, so my husband could very easily not see the teachers.

Well I think you should mind your own business and keep your opinions to yourself and not offload them onto Al.

I don't see what the issue is.

And I don't see why so many people think children MUST be told about previous childless marriages. My children have no idea I was previously married (over 20yrs ago), and why should they know? It's a previous relationship with a mistake of a marriage that lasted all of 10 months. I don't want them thinking their Dad is second best, when he's actually the best husband I've ever had. Nor do I want to have to explain to my children the horrific things I went through with my ex, when they inevitably asked why we separated.

Anyway, their marriage was over donkeys years ago, and assuming Bea is not bullying David, then there's no reason that David needs to be told she's his Dad's ex. If anything, surely that will make David feel awkward, knowing his teacher's shagged his Dad. Jesus, his classmates would have a field day with that one.

Perhaps because they don't wish to be questioned on why the marriage ended and want to spare their children that knowledge.

What in the world! How on earth couldn't a Dad go to parents day and not at some point state that he was married to one of the teachers. That's so fecked up. By all means keep it from the child, they don't have to know. I'm pretty sure the school should know though. It's the desire for secrecy that's more concerning. The child might find it really odd when he's older and finds out.

It was horrid finding out one of my parents had been married before, this was as a teen and I wasn't told directly. It would be worse if the ex was someone I'd known well.

I agree, odd not to mention you have been married previously. It’s a serious commitment.i think children should hear these things from their parents, not someone else in a passing comment.

But if you tell them them when they're little then they just accept that this happened and it didn't work out, for whatever reason.
If you wait until they're older, they will naturally want to know lots more about it, and that can be painful, for you and them.
So why not tell them when they're little?

Well I have no plans on ever telling them. My husband's family don't even know either.

My children are well aware I've had boyfriends before Dad, and that's all they need to know.

This really

i don’t see how it’s that much different to Bea being an ex girlfriend really

Would you mind telling me what was horrid about it? Genuinely curious as my children don't know about my previous marriage.