To think child should have been told this years ago?

[Connected1]

So, friend (let's call him Al) married Bea, then got divorced after 6 or 7 years
Al goes on to meet Carla, they have a son David.

David goes to the school where Bea, his father's ex-wife is teaching. I always assumed that David knows all about Bea.

David is now 11 years old and Bea is his teacher. I just found out today that David has no idea that his teacher is his Dad's ex-wife.

Al plans on telling David about Bea when David is a teenager. I think it's crazy that David hasn't known about this since he was little.

I think he would have just completely accepted this as its no big deal. But not telling him makes it seem like it is a big deal.
Am I being unreasonable?

I think it could easily throw up possible difficulties. What if the child is badly behaved and the teacher has to discipline them and/or talk to their parents about it? There could be accusations of bias because of a bitter ex-spouse. As a teacher, I wouldn't really want to be in that position.

It's more why should he not be told?

Considering the previous wife is his teacher it's very relevant to him.

He doesn't need to know because it makes no difference to the teacher pupil relationship.

Making a big fuss about telling him makes it feel like it's significant when actually her history with his dad is no more relevant now than it was when she was just a teacher at the school.

I can't see any reason at all for anyone to tell David. It's a non-issue, and on top of that he's only 11. Why does he need to know? What does it serve? It seems very strange to purposely include a kid in adult affairs (that are entirely irrelevant, as it was a marriage years ago) when the kids got other things to do / think about / prioritise.

Another here who can’t work out what the big deal is, or why anyone would be so shocked and horrified at a parent being married before. My Dad was, I couldn’t care less, it has no impact at all on anything.

I’ve also been married before and live in a small place, I have absolutely no idea what my Ex is doing now and whether he has kids. If he does I wouldn’t consider that I have any manner of ‘personal link’ with them as mentioned above in terms of a teacher not teaching children they know.

I don't see how it's in the child's interests to know this now.

I'd tell them when they are an adult. Otherwise they might have to move classes, who knows. All kinds of disruption. Not the child's fault.

It's not necessary for him to know about his teachers past or present relationships.

If they had children together then he should know about any siblings.

But the post I quoted said he should have been told when he was old enough to understand. Why?

They'd have had no idea she'd one day bd his teacher then.

I think there's a HUGE difference between something being a 'secret' ' & just not having been told. You've had 20/30/40 years oflife before your child is 4. You don't go telling them everything you've ever done.

Well my experience of family life is that right from when I was very young we talked about our family, the family history, the relatives.
As children myself and my siblings were really interested in the stories our parents and grandparents had to tell about their experiences and the past. I suppose it was part of establishing who we were and where we fitted in the world.

I think curiosity about your own family is very natural. I always assumed that was the case with most children and most families. Children want to know.

I think growing up in a family where certain things are kept from children, for no good reason, fucks the child up. That's what secrecy and lack of openess and honesty does. It creates insecurities and a lack of trust.

Such striking similarities there.

Who knew that finding out that your dad had previously been married was the same as finding out a family member used to be a murderer. Such trauma 🤣😂🤣😂

Batshit.

Why does the kid need to know? What difference does it make?

What an extremely unpleasant post.

Who are you to ridicule someone else's experience?

I think being told you are adopted or have half siblings, your dad is your step dad etc is better done young.

Parents ex husband/wife is not the same type of information. It is parents personal history to share if they choose and Al's opinion it doesn't matter is fine.

Understand you would do it differently for your child, dont understand why you are bothered either way about Al's.

Who said I had ridiculed anyone’s experience? Read the post properly.

The poster said she knew people who had found out family secrets which had affected them.

She then went on to say that these were things like murder, kidnap, time in prison, thus inferring that finding out that your parent was previously married was the same and would cause similar trauma.

Nobody is saying that finding out there are dark secrets of that kind isn’t traumatic.

But to suggest that finding out your father was married before, split up, and moved on with his life several years ago is the same and is going to have the same impact is batshit and yes, unpleasant.

Marriages end. If it hadn’t involved a certificate nobody would have batted an eye.

It’s none of the child’s business what his parents did before he was born. None of it was illegal or traumatic and there is 0 reason why he would be traumatised by it.

So yes. Finding out a family member did time or was a murderer is going to be traumatic. But thinking there’s a comparison is absolutely hilarious and batshit.

It's one thing to disagree with another poster.
It's another to use multiple laugh emojis to ridicule her post and to call it " batshit".

All of this is clearly about the adults here.

OP very obviously has a vested interest somewhere judging by how bitter she seems over it all.

I don’t imagine she’s the ex wife, because almost a whole school year has passed without her feeling the need to find out this information.

For the people who say it’s important because she’s his teacher, she’s going to be his teacher for the next three/four weeks. Given the last nine months don’t seem to have been an issue there is 0 reason why he needs to know, and there is 0 conflict of interest. Any conflict of interest has been invented in people’s heads.

If she didn’t want to be laughed at she shouldn’t make such idiotic comparisons.

Mine was not the first such response.

But on MN there’s always one who brings in some deep-seated trauma which is entirely irrelevant in order to shut down an argument, and then becomes offended when they’re called out on it.

It’s like the posts where someone is writing about an abusive parent and someone wades in to say “be thankful you have a parent, mine died,” which isn’t relevant to the conversation and didn’t need to be said.

Of course a child should know that their father ( or mother) was previously married. You do know that anyone can buy anyone’s marriage certificate. Imagine finding out that way as an adult.
Lying by omission is never a good idea.

@AnyoneWhoHasAHeart

I thought the idea of MN was that posters could put forward their own viewpoint WITHOUT being ridiculed by others.

It's perfectly normal to disagreewith some view points thats what discussion is all about
It's not normal to bully people into stopping posting by ridiculing a view they are perfectly entitled to hold.

Telling DC is putting more importance on the ex-wife than there needs to be. If there were no kids, no ongoing ties, it’s irrelevant, same as any other pre-kids relationship. You don’t need to attach any emotional importance to it, it’s over and done with.

You're weird.

David doesn't need to know regardless of the ex being his teacher or not. Kids don't need details of their parents dating lives before they were born because it has nothing to do with them.

I think you might need to get a life. I can't understand why you're so invested in this. It's nothing to do with you as much as it is David.

Bitter? Not at all, and I can't work out where in my posts I seem bitter.
I'm just surprised because I assumed David would know. All the adults and most of his cousins know. His ex-wife was considered family.

It's not that it's a big deal, but keeping it from him makes it seem like it's a big deal.

Is your issue is that it seems like it’s making the ex irrelevant? When you all considered
her family? As I can’t see why else you’d care.

EDIT. for some reason the posts I'm quoting aren't attaching today?

this was in response to @Sometimeinadifferentworld

Dramatic much?

i grew up in a lovely family too - funny that 🙄

We also talked a lot & we were interested.in parents/grandparents lives before us.

however, I'm no so conceited to think every family is the same nor that young children have the right to know about their parents previous relationships as soon as they are able to understand what 'married before' means.

i also don't think not happening to tell a young child about a previous marriage us secrecy. It's just not relevant.

But once the marriage has ended & paperwork completed. That's all over too. Completely irrelevant to a young child.