To think child should have been told this years ago?

[Connected1]

So, friend (let's call him Al) married Bea, then got divorced after 6 or 7 years
Al goes on to meet Carla, they have a son David.

David goes to the school where Bea, his father's ex-wife is teaching. I always assumed that David knows all about Bea.

David is now 11 years old and Bea is his teacher. I just found out today that David has no idea that his teacher is his Dad's ex-wife.

Al plans on telling David about Bea when David is a teenager. I think it's crazy that David hasn't known about this since he was little.

I think he would have just completely accepted this as its no big deal. But not telling him makes it seem like it is a big deal.
Am I being unreasonable?

Years ago my daughter gave the best response to her brother. She'd told him to tidy up, as I had told him to 5 minutes before.
He said, 'You can't tell me what to do you're not my real sister"
She said, "good. That means you're not my real brother.'. ...His face was a picture !
It still makes me laugh all these years later.
DD was 14 yo and DS was 10 yo at the time and it's never been mentioned again. They are still very close.

What business is it of yours?

I totally agree with this. I found out my dad was married before my mom as I overheard my mom tell someone. My sister and I were surprised but my mom was also surprised we didn't know. They never told us but I think didn’t really think to tell us as there was no real reason. It was a short term marriage.

I guess it’s kind of strange the ex wife is now the child’s teacher but equally I don’t think that’s a problem either. The parent could say something or not.

I think you are making too much of a big deal about it. My dad was married before my mum. My mum told me when I was 13/14 and I wasn't bothered. It's a past relationship that failed, I only asked if they had kids and was there an overlap. The answer was a no, so I wasn't at all bothered.

I can actually understand that given the circumstance that ex wife could/is now the teacher i don't think I would be telling the kid it is her. That would make it awkward and blur the lines, when there is no need as there is no relationship.

I understand that a marriage certificate is really important, however to the kid it is just a relationship that didn't work out, nothjng more.

It isn’t a secret or a “difficult issue” though, it’s his dad having had a life before meeting his mum which is so inconsequential it doesn’t need mentioning.

If Al and Bea had a child together, then it would be weird that David didn't know they used to be together.

If they were still close and Bea was regularly coming around to visit Al and Carla it might have come up.

As they didn't, it's irrelevant to the child and I don't see why you think it's important.

Al and Bea had a connection, it's now old history so why on earth is it something that anyone needs to be considering revealing to a child at some stage?

But WHY? What possible impact does it have on the child? Why would they care? I’m researching my family tree at the moment and if it came up during the research that one of my parents was previously married I might feel fleeting mild surprise but it would be silly to think they didn’t have lives before I came along and will have ex partners. They do talk openly about this but if they neglected to mention an ex was a spouse… why would I care? It doesnt matter!

But it has zero impact on David. If Bea was his secret mum or an estranged blood related Aunt, then yes of course he should know, but I don’t understand why it’s relevant that she’s his Dad’s ex-wife especially because there are no secret siblings. Nobody tells their children the list of their exes and they could encounter them anywhere. It’s more awkward for the dad on parent’s evening I would think.

I have friends in almost this exact situation. They told their child when he was in his mid teens when he had more understanding of what a short marriage years ago meant - i.e. very little.

Caused very little fuss.

Presumably the parents know their child better than anyone and are in the best place to judge the situation.

It's not that it's a big deal, but keeping it from him makes it seem like it's a big deal. no, you going on about it as if it’s something horrific and traumatic are treating it as if it’s a big deal.

It’s none of his business. He doesn’t need to know. They likely just haven’t told him because it was years ago and is part of an irrelevant history.

Should he tell him about all the other women he shagged in case he encounters them on tescos checkout?

I’ve been the child and the adult in this situation, I think it does matter, that’s why I did things differently.
I found out my mum had been married before not long after she died (I was 21). I found her decree absolute whilst sorting things out after her death. My dad said she didn’t tell me because it wasn’t important. I get that but I suppose I’d want to hear that from her and that she found happiness after that marriage ended. I wish she told me herself.
I was married for a couple of years in my early twenties, it didn’t last but I stayed friendly with my xh, my children have known since they were young. I thought it best they knew before they found out and easier to tell them before they thought of the sexual aspect (I had a friend whose dad used to go out with her mum and stepdad, as teenagers we were fascinated by the fact the mum had slept with both of them). They seemed unbothered then and remain so now.

I don't see that this has any impact whatsoever. They are in no way related and unless there's some sort of court or police order then it doesn't matter.

As long as Bea, if she knows who David is, is acting professionally then there isn't an issue.

I don't see it as a problem, David is not related to his dad's ex, he has no half siblings or anything. No one would be saying he should know if they had just lived together rather than got married. Does a child need to know who his father slept with before he married his mother, if there are no half siblings involved?

I found the opposite in family research, a very straight laced aunt, with a son, but she was never actually married to the child's father, he never got a divorce from his 'first' wife (who also had a son) so my aunt changed her name to his by deed poll. They lived together for several years and then he left her for another woman when the son was still quite young (right pig really), I'm not sure the son knows yet that his parents weren't married. I would never mention it and haven't put it on the family tree.

Cheers for laughing at the murder of my grandmother.

The point is is that secrets are always better to be told. My friend found out her father had a previous marriage when she was 15 and felt like she'd been lied to. It put a big strain on her relationship with him.

I had a short lived marriage in my early 20s, over before I met DH.
We now have 2 DC and they don't currently know. It's not a secret, we always said we'd tell them but at the same time it's never come up? It would be weird to sit them down and talk about it, and feels like that makes a bigger issue of something irrelevant to their lives but if they ever ask I'll be open.

I can’t imagine sitting my DS down and telling him I had a (very short lived) marriage before I met DH. It just doesn’t feel at all relevant or important or anything to do with his life.

I wouldn’t class it as a ‘secret’, if he came home and asked if either of us had been married before I’d say yes and answer any questions, but it’s no more relevant than sitting him down and telling him about any other prior relationships, or jobs we’d had before the one he knows, or places we’d been before we were going with him.

There’s a gaping difference between ‘family secret’ and ‘boring irrelevant information’.

Why on earth would David need to know this now? She's his teacher. He doesn't need to think about her once being involved with his dad.

This^
DH has been married before, my boys are older now (18 and 25) but they’ve know for years. I can’t even remember how the convo came up or how or when they were told. It’s a total non event.

Oh ffs nobody is laughing at the murder of your grandmother. It is laughable to compare finding that out to finding out a parent was previously married though. Why was your friend so upset about finding out her dad was previously married? She needs to get a grip.

I agree with this.
I've been married before but never felt the need to tell ds.
Some people over share with their kids which I think is weird.
Even as his teacher, it's unlikely she will even twig unless it's a small town, and even then so what?

I agree it’s an odd but David is still quite young to understand the complexities of marriage and divorce etc.

My BIL was married before he met my sister, a young marriage that didn’t last long and I find it bizarre that none of their 5 children (aged 30-14) have no idea their dad was married before.

Perhaps because I grew up knowing my mum was married before because they had children together so my siblings had a different dad. I suppose if there are no children, clean break then it doesn’t really matter.

Each to their own but these things have a way of coming out and perhaps the older they get the more hurt/confused that their parents didn’t tell them.

The point is that withholding such information is in the eyes of teenagers (who as most of us know are incredibly black and white about many things) would be see as a deliberate lie. She will no doubt find out he was married through someone else and thinks she was lied to.

My friend has got a grip as it was 35 years ago and she is an adult so doesn't give a fuck but at 15 she really really did.

I don't think it's a big deal as long as the dad is fine with his ex wife teaching his child. At ds's school one of the teachers taught her own child and it wasn't an issue, I don't know why this should be a big deal or why it needed to be a big secret.

This^

Are parents supposed to provide their kids with a list of all former relationships in case they meet someone? At what age should the list be given?