Partner wants to move AGAIN - am I being unreasonable to lose the plot over it??

[Arsenalma]

So we’ve moved 3 times in the last 4 years and now DH wants to move again 😩

Bit of background - we moved for his job in 2021 (fair), then again in 2022 cos he hated the first place (also fair-ish), then last year cos the kids’ school situation was a nightmare. I’ve basically packed and unpacked my life more times than I’ve had hot dinners. Kids are FINALLY settled. I’ve got a part-time job I actually like. We’ve got mates nearby. And now he’s saying this isn’t the “forever house” and he’s seen somewhere “perfect” 2 bloody hours away.

I just can’t face it again. The logistics, the stress, the cost - and for what?? Another ‘maybe this’ll be better’ pipe dream. It’s like he’s addicted to Rightmove.

We’ve had a few rows about it already. He thinks I’m “resisting change” and being negative. I think he’s chasing some fantasy and forgetting the actual real-life upheaval this causes. Not to mention what it does to the kids - DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time.

Not sure what I’m after posting this tbh. Just needed a rant and maybe to hear if anyone else has a serial mover for a partner? Or if I’m just being a stubborn cow.

Anyway cheers for reading if you got this far 😅

I was the child in this scenario. It was awful. My siblings and I all stayed put once we started having children. My kids complain that they never moved. They do not know how lucky they are to have roots and old friends. Don't let your DP do this to them.

Absolutely not, you have jobs and schools all sorted and are making friends. Those things are not easy to come by.
And the cost of moving is enormous, perhaps add up the costs of solicitors, stamp duty and movers and show him how much all this is costing.

I have to agree with you, 3 times in 4 years is alot, time to maybe just settle down now and why so far?

Yes sounds like he has some deep unhappiness and is thinking it’s the house when it isn’t. Moving house is the top 3 most stressful things

My best friend was born into a military family and had to move house (and country) a LOT in her childhood. And lots of different schools. Without going into details and not wanting to be over- dramatic, I do really think it scarred her emotionally / psychologically for life. She has been unable to take any risks (in jobs, in relationships etc.) and just clings to the security of her single life in the flat that she managed to buy - I suppose I’m saying her life has been stunted.

Tell him to fuck off. He is taking the piss. Tell him seeing as he likes moving around so much to buy a fucking caravan and do one!

This!

What is Dh’s mental health like? What is he chasing/running away from? Would he benefit from some therapy?

You can move into your forever home later on if you want. Let the kids thrive for now!

Insanity - ive been here 20 years and moved 2 times. First time from a rental to a house then from the house to where we are now for the kids school - does your partner never want to let the kids get some roots? Absolutely shit of him. Your poor children to have a dad like that!

You need to tell him he cannot keep deciding if you move or not you have kids to think about now there your priorities. if you are happy tell him it’s unfair on you that he wants to keep moving you have done it for him in the past now it’s yours and kids time and this is not now. I feel for you.

This. The compulsion to move when it makes no practical sense can be a sign of depression. He needs a dr. appt.

Put your foot down. Moving about frequently is really bad for kids. I was moved quite a few times as a child & it gets increasingly difficult to make friends - I imagine it's even worse today. We had to move because it was unavoidable but, nevertheless, it's affected my whole life.

How is it the "perfect house" if the kids and wife isn't happy?!

He's either incredibly selfish or has mental health issues that mean he is always chasing something and never happy.

Either way he needs therapy. Not another move.

I would be prepared to divorce over this.

Tell him he can move if he wants but he’s doing it by himself!

I'm a military brat and we moved a lot. But the difference was so was everyone else. It taught me I'm adaptable and I can move. However, moving in the military and moving as a civilian is very different.

I've moved 3 times in 4 years but in the same city and I'm not doing it again. It's a huge and expensive upheaval.

If you don't need to move I don't see the point.

Agree. This line struck me too. Does he really see you all as appendages to his life and his wishes should come first?

Nope

YES. Everything you said rings true! I don’t mind the actual moving either and I also often think I was born in the wrong country. But when I spend long periods of time in other places/countries I still feel like an ‘outsider’ (obviously!!! 😆).

At the moment I’m trying to avoid moving again by researching house exchanges for longer holidays in other places (and for more travelling when the kids leave home). It ticks quite a few of the boxes - the dopamine hit of trying to get our own house in order plus the scrolling through fantasy lifestyles in different places. As you probably know ADHD is massively heritable so it wouldn’t be surprising if you had traits that are contributing to your restlessness. I do still really wish I could feel ‘at home’ somewhere. I wonder if therapy would help? (But then already I’m panicking at the thought of being ‘cured’ and being ‘trapped’ in one place for the rest of my life!).

I've moved, a lot, but I was happy to do it (mostly). 3 times in 4 years is absolutely crazy. He's also talking complete bullshit saying you're not open to change, when the evidence clearly shows otherwise. That's just him trying to make you feel bad so ignore and just say no, not this time. There are 4 of you. You all deserve to be happy, not just him.

I’ve moved a lot and I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of it .
13 house moves some of them in pregnancy .
that is not counting some temporary set ups in very short term rentals .
I won’t say where / when / circumstances around the moves but some were rentals and some we bought while selling another house ..
Where we are currently isn’t ideal but it is very nice

I was just going to suggest this. What is he running from

I would ask him if he is in witness protection and if he is not you stay put he’s already used up his “lives” for moving around. It’s detrimental to the rest of the family.

I’m having this problem now! It’s driving me insane. He asked if we should ring the estate agents tomorrow and I said why do you want to move all the time? He snapped at me and his answer is because he doesn’t want to live in Manchester anymore. His mum was murdered 2 years ago. Our daughter is 1.5 years old. Is settled, goes to a childminder. I don’t have a car currently but my parents help out wherever they can and they live 15 mins away from us!! I’ve told him we can’t keep moving with a child and I’m happy with my job. I don’t want to be about an hour away from my family and I’ve told him that!!! I’ve got friends nearby the neighbours are amazing. Yes the house we rent isn’t that great but this would be the third property in 3 years we have moved too!! The second time we moved I was 7 months pregnant and then moved when our daughter was nearly 3 months old. I physically don’t have the energy to be boxing up again and again and a fucking again!!! He’s booked us to view a house tomorrow. Told him why is he doing this booking us to view houses when I don’t want to move. Told him he well can’t keep moving every 2 years when our daughter is settled it isn’t healthy for her. I said to him what about when she starts school we going to keep moving her all over it isn’t healthy!!! Told him we don’t have the money to be putting deposits down on a house to be renting!! I know how you feel I really do! Don’t get why people are like this but it’s driving me insane.

You've been flexible for long enough. At some point he has to accept that the grass will always look greener somewhere else, but he has to do the adult thing and settle somewhere for the kids' sakes, if nothing else. They deserve stability and the chance to make friends. You deserve a chance to put down roots, too.

Selfish men love moving women away from where they are happy and have support.
Not normal.
Speak to your parents about moving in with them if you need to.
Do not move.
Could you rent out a room if he goes?