Partner wants to move AGAIN - am I being unreasonable to lose the plot over it??

[Arsenalma]

So we’ve moved 3 times in the last 4 years and now DH wants to move again 😩

Bit of background - we moved for his job in 2021 (fair), then again in 2022 cos he hated the first place (also fair-ish), then last year cos the kids’ school situation was a nightmare. I’ve basically packed and unpacked my life more times than I’ve had hot dinners. Kids are FINALLY settled. I’ve got a part-time job I actually like. We’ve got mates nearby. And now he’s saying this isn’t the “forever house” and he’s seen somewhere “perfect” 2 bloody hours away.

I just can’t face it again. The logistics, the stress, the cost - and for what?? Another ‘maybe this’ll be better’ pipe dream. It’s like he’s addicted to Rightmove.

We’ve had a few rows about it already. He thinks I’m “resisting change” and being negative. I think he’s chasing some fantasy and forgetting the actual real-life upheaval this causes. Not to mention what it does to the kids - DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time.

Not sure what I’m after posting this tbh. Just needed a rant and maybe to hear if anyone else has a serial mover for a partner? Or if I’m just being a stubborn cow.

Anyway cheers for reading if you got this far 😅

😂

YANBU . Give your family a chance to put down roots please!

Ugh, fuck moving.
My Mum used to move us every 1 or 2 years and I was at 13 schools in total because of the moves, so staying put when children are settled has always seemed a sensible option to me!

Nope, lose the plot with him. My DH is in an industry where a job move generally means a location move. So we moved a lot until DC hit school age and now we're not moving again for the foreseeable future. DC stability is more important than a 'dream house' if your current house is functional.

No. Tell him no and tell him how selfish he's being towards the kids. He can go on his own if it's so important to him.

3 times in 4 years!!

he’s bloody nuts

tell him you will consider it after he’s been to therapy

and add up how much money has been wasted

I spent a lot of time moving as a child and I think it’s impacted me into adult life. I struggle to maintain friendships and don’t look back on my school life and childhood with fond memories. It was awful always being the new kid in the school, the one with the odd accent. Whenever I did settle we’d be off again and I had to start all over again. Not to mention the impact it has on my education.

I made a decision when I had dc that I’d not make them move school once they got into secondary school (as it happened I didn’t move at all whilst they were in primary either).

If you don’t want to move op then just tell him no. He’s had his was for the last 5 years, he can wait until your dc have finished their education then you’ll have a conversation with him.

Must also cost you a fortune in stamp duty, solicitor and moving fees

Does he have a job two hours from home? We can all window shop on rightnove and find ‘the perfect house’ (but mine usually costs one million plus!).

Refuse! The kids are settled in school so you’re not moving.

No way. If you move he will just want to move again in another 1-2 years. It’s not fair to do that to your kids, especially with no good reason.

How much have you paid out in stamp duty? Moving is really expensive.

@Arsenalma

"DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time."

This is the reason you're not moving again. Your poor kids are finally settled after 4 years of upheaval. You don't say how old they are but they need to stay settled. They need stability in their lives so they feel secure. Constant uprooting is extremely damaging for children.

You're settled too. You've got a job you enjoy and friends nearby. Put your foot down and say no. Enough is enough and you're not moving again.

Tell DP he can either stay with you and the kids in the current home or he can fuck off and find his forever home by himself.

I’d put my foot down for the benefit of the kids (and yourself). We’ve moved around a fair bit (not as much as you or as close together) because of DH’s job. He’s currently looking for new job and will likely mean a relocation. But where and when is such a big and difficult decision because we now have to consider the kids and moving schools etc. I certainly wouldn’t do it just for a whim!

Are you renters or are you buying and selling each time you move? If the latter, how much money are you wasting on stamp duty?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable, OP - you must know that. Your partner sounds incredibly selfish. He clearly feels something is missing in his life and is willing to sacrifice his partner and children’s happiness while he desperately seeks it. That is a sign of immaturity. It’s not a sign of a good husband and father who puts his family’s needs first.

If I was going to move, then I’d insist that we rent because the amount spent on stamp duty etc would drive me crazy. I know that renting involves costs but why would someone like him who
is happy nowhere want to buy anyway?

He needs therapy not another house move. It’s not fair on you and the kids.

Oh my god! I last moved 8 years ago and I still haven’t recovered from the stress. The previous house we were in for 11 years. It sounds like nothing will ever be quite good enough. I couldn’t live like that. There’s always a compromise.

If he thinks you can't cope with change, let him see how well you cope with a divorce.

I'm kidding - but only slightly, because this would also cause me to completely lose my rag. There will always be a 'perfect' house somewhere else and by the sounds of it, he will always be looking. It's not fair on the kids to drag them around like this. I would put your foot down.

Absolutely not. You are not a travelling circus!

He needs to go to therapy.. I have the urge to move regularly, I do act on it but reasonably and with all the family in agreement.

The urge I get to make big life decisions with very little thought has always been my way of coping with some internal stress. If I’m stressed you’ll find me buying cars, buying clothes or eating too much, it’s like an urge. I’ve learnt to control it most of the time, I book weekends away instead or random events.

The moving is the same thing it’s like an itch, you feel stressed you want to escape your life so you look at houses, the next one will be perfect.

to be fair as a family we have benefited from my weird moving urges as I always get somewhere lovely that needs work and I apply the same get stuff done attitude to renovations.

But I understand him, and it’s stress and unhappiness in himself, maybe achievement, maybe a degree of perfection, which would be like me, having emotionally absent parents, so I always “did” things for attention.

We moved twice in two years, because one of us could not settle in the first place. There were really good reasons for that (not important to specify), and it was a mutual decision. In your case, your DH is attracted by the idea of constant change - and there is some excitement about buying a new house; or he is searching for something he can't find, and probably never will. Either way, it is entirely wrong to blame you for not being on board. You and the children have had enough upheaval.

My mother was like this. Everything would be so much better in a different area/house. However, she always took herself with her so the new location wasn't great either.

After I left home my siblings painted their rooms in very dark colours to make the house more difficult to sell.

I would refuse to move. He needs to think about the happiness of you and his children.

I think it’s fine if you’re both up for it and you are a loving home - the idea that kids are inevitably fucked up if they move isn’t true, I have several friends who attest to that, but any kid who has unloving parents or abusive parents will be fucked up, regardless of their parent’s ‘forever home’.

what fucks kids up is war, lack of clean water. The idea that kids are suffering because they don’t live the typical life (typical for here in the uk) is just a bit obnoxious. Like people who say kids shouldn’t be raised in flats and it’s tantamount to child abuse. To some of us, living a mundane lifestyle where you do the same thing day in and out and work in the same job give or take a promotion or maternity blip forever is the idea of torture. All over the world people live different lives. Different parenting styles. Some even hunt for food or cook over an open fire still. And actually, 50 years ago people here lived differently - no central heating (now people would be appalled if kids lived in a cold house). 50-100 years ago large families in tiny houses. In fact even north to south - south tends to look down on kids sharing rooms while north tends to do it more. Same with rural villages to towns.

people all live in different ways and to be aghast because someone chooses different to you screams ‘my way is the right way’.

for what it’s worth, I grew up in one house and have never felt at home since. I’m overly sentimental and attached. Have had huge issues with change. Was nervy and shy. It didn’t do me well. There are issues both ways.

BUT you don’t want to move. So that’s the point. You’ve compromised a lot and he now needs to. If he can admit he has a problem and can’t settle, that makes it easier, but if he isn’t willing to do the emotional work and just wants to run away and move all the time, not cool to drag you into it unwillingly.

No way. We bought in 2022 and moved a couple of months ago at that felt too soon! We’re here at least ten years! Moving is stressful!

Has he been aware of any of the negatives for moving for you and the children and how settled you are.

tell him and then say no. You have moved for him and it stops now the three of you are happy and settled and neither need nor want change

Absolutely not. Not fair to keep uprooting the kids.