Partner wants to move AGAIN - am I being unreasonable to lose the plot over it??

[Arsenalma]

So we’ve moved 3 times in the last 4 years and now DH wants to move again 😩

Bit of background - we moved for his job in 2021 (fair), then again in 2022 cos he hated the first place (also fair-ish), then last year cos the kids’ school situation was a nightmare. I’ve basically packed and unpacked my life more times than I’ve had hot dinners. Kids are FINALLY settled. I’ve got a part-time job I actually like. We’ve got mates nearby. And now he’s saying this isn’t the “forever house” and he’s seen somewhere “perfect” 2 bloody hours away.

I just can’t face it again. The logistics, the stress, the cost - and for what?? Another ‘maybe this’ll be better’ pipe dream. It’s like he’s addicted to Rightmove.

We’ve had a few rows about it already. He thinks I’m “resisting change” and being negative. I think he’s chasing some fantasy and forgetting the actual real-life upheaval this causes. Not to mention what it does to the kids - DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time.

Not sure what I’m after posting this tbh. Just needed a rant and maybe to hear if anyone else has a serial mover for a partner? Or if I’m just being a stubborn cow.

Anyway cheers for reading if you got this far 😅

I’m so sorry.

Are you a serial renter or are you buying (with all the associated costs) this often?

I’d say absolutely not, I am staying here. I’m not resisting all change, I’m quite open to the end of our marriage if you insist on only thinking of yourself instead of your children and wife. You’re welcome to leave and move 2 hours away.

Tell him he can go by himself. Bysie bye.

This if you’re feeling generous. F off dear if you’re not!

There’s a reason the army actually pay for boarding school to avoid the scenario he is creating on a whim. Outrageous. Hard no.

How much is all this costing, OP? It seems crazy. Stamp Duty, estate agent's fees, solicitor's fees for selling and buying, plus the costs of moving and sorting out the new house, which will usually require new curtains or blinds or carpets or more major work.

As so many others have said, it's really unsettling for you and the children. My parents made two badly-timed moves when I was growing up, taking me away from schools I liked and fracturing all my friendships.

He needs to commit to a property and building a life there, not keep chasing a fantasy life. Is his MH generally good or this some kind of mid-life crisis that's building towards a breakdown?

Is he a dreamer? It sounds like he enjoys future planning, but not actually doing the work. Then once a job/home becomes routine they get bored and think there's a better job/home elsewhere. They get a dopamine hit from the planning process.

They think if we do xyz, we'll be happy. But they're never happy.

I dated someone like this and I had to leave him for my own sanity.

He needs fo go to therapy to understand and address his restlessness and selfishness.

Find other ways to satisfy his nomadic urges that don’t cause harm to his wife and children!

It’s time to put the DC first OP. Tell him no and say disrupting everyone’s lives so he can scratch another itch is off the table.

Oh and also OP numerous papers/articles on how this impacts child development

No. I moved like 17 times up to the age of 29 - maybe more I’ve lost count - now been in same house for 16 years. It is wonderful to be stable.

As a kid I moved 6 times in 8 years.

It is one of my biggest resentments of my parents. I was continually unsettled, always the new kid. I never got to feel like my bedroom was "mine". I never relaxed because I knew another move would be coming and by the end I refused to make friends because I knew I would have to leave them.

Moving once or twice in childhood is normal and often can't be helped... But frequent moves like this (that aren't necessary) are really (in my opinion) detrimental to children.

Please stick up for what is best for your kids OP

It’s been proved more than two moves are detrimental to children heard a study on it talked about on the radio. This was after taking into account all other factors.

For whatever reason he is very unsettled in himself/ unhappy with his lot. Moving house doesn’t make that go away.

Do you think it is because he doesn't like to see you settled and reasonably content? I recognise the signs.

Can you do something which will commit you to staying put, so that he cannot possibly make you leave?

It might work, but if I am right, he might start applying for loads of jobs instead of moving house, turning down any you favour in a location you wouldn't mind living in, and accepting some outlandish locations knowing you would hate it.

Bad enough moving house, worse when you know he is applying for jobs.

If any of that you recognise, let him move on his own. This could be as good as it gets.

Are you buying or renting? Assume renting as the house buying market is so slow would be quite an achievement (and so expensive with stamp duty) to move three times in four years!
as your kids are settled I would lead with that in your counter argument. It is so unfair to uproot them. You have been more than accommodating!! He needs to at least give it 5 years!

How do you afford to move so much?

Assuming you are renting?

4 times in six years here - because he wanted to move.

He was a selfish bastard who didn’t give a damn about his wife of child abc then abandoned us in another country and ran off with another woman.

@SlippySausageyou sound like me. I’ve always wondered why I feel the need to move. I had a rubbish childhood which might have something to do with it. But with one DC with ASD and one with ADHD, I wonder if that could be me too. I just love the thought of looking, planning, and finding new places and things. I even don’t mind the moving part. DH is sick of me. We have only ever moved locally so no school changes, so I have tried to minimise impact, and moving reasons have always been logical. But I yearn to move more, and to other countries. I don’t think I was born in the right country

Please for the sake of your kids put your foot down and say no. If you need a compromise, tell him he has to wait until the kids have finished school/left home as they're settled now.
I had to go through this as a kid and it caused no end of problems. The longest we stayed in any place was 5 years, most it was 1.5-2 years max.
I ended up at 4 different primary schools and 2 different secondary schools. It was a nightmare as we'd get settled then have to move and leave all our friends behind.
Unfortunately it was my mum that always wanted to move as she didn't have a very settled childhood herself. They'd be moving every 6-9 months after her mum had a falling out with someone or got itchy feet.
I've tried breaking the cycle with my family and so far we've managed to only moved 3 times in the last 13 years with the last move being to our own home.

I would look at the forever house and then decide.

How can you afford it?

solicitor, stamp duty; mortgage costs, removals, estate agents

its an expensive business

OP , you like your job & your daughter is after making friends, & you & your husband have Friends near by..
You need to stay !!!!!
No more moving ! ! show your husband the thread 😊

Sounds like he is looking for something that doesn't exist, perfection. Put your foot down and say no.