Partner wants to move AGAIN - am I being unreasonable to lose the plot over it??

[Arsenalma]

So we’ve moved 3 times in the last 4 years and now DH wants to move again 😩

Bit of background - we moved for his job in 2021 (fair), then again in 2022 cos he hated the first place (also fair-ish), then last year cos the kids’ school situation was a nightmare. I’ve basically packed and unpacked my life more times than I’ve had hot dinners. Kids are FINALLY settled. I’ve got a part-time job I actually like. We’ve got mates nearby. And now he’s saying this isn’t the “forever house” and he’s seen somewhere “perfect” 2 bloody hours away.

I just can’t face it again. The logistics, the stress, the cost - and for what?? Another ‘maybe this’ll be better’ pipe dream. It’s like he’s addicted to Rightmove.

We’ve had a few rows about it already. He thinks I’m “resisting change” and being negative. I think he’s chasing some fantasy and forgetting the actual real-life upheaval this causes. Not to mention what it does to the kids - DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time.

Not sure what I’m after posting this tbh. Just needed a rant and maybe to hear if anyone else has a serial mover for a partner? Or if I’m just being a stubborn cow.

Anyway cheers for reading if you got this far 😅

Look at the cost financially of moving..suggest he spends it on therapy and understanding why he thinks moving house will make things better, when it clearly doesn't..

Look at the cost emotionallytank psychologically to your children of not being able to trust their environment and people around them will be there next year.

Yanbu. He needs to adapt and think about his family, not just himself.he sounds like he thinks he's young single and carefree.

Yanbu..

I'd be exhausted by this. Change the inside not the outside. Unless there is a compelling reason to need to move, he is mistaking the internal for something external.

This is very much my experience too.

My DPs wax lyrical about their home town (where they spent their entire childhood) and meeting up with old friends at school reunions. They get really pissed off that we don't feel we have a home town and that we were never in a school long enough for anyone to remember who we were. They don't want to accept even the slightest criticism of the way we lived and it has led to us living much more stable lives and distanced from them. Now that they are older they moan about not seeing the gc very much even though we rarely saw our dgps growing up.

Don't let your dc pay a similar price for his selfishness.

He's being totally selfish and actually quite thick.

DD’s made proper friends for the first time

This is actually the strongest and most important reason not to keep moving.

Making friends is not that easy in adulthood, and never feeling like they can develop deep friendships because of multiple house moves can have negative longterm psychological effects.

Many, many people keep in contact with people or friends they knew even back at primary school. Sure, they also make friends at uni and at work, but there's a risk this may not happen or those friendships won't stick in the same way. It's not fair to put the children in that position because your husband fancier a better house.

Could you sit down and make a list of pros and cons of moving? It sounds like the only reason he wants to move is for the sake of it.

Sod that. I’m naturally restless (despite only living in 1 house growing up) and bounced around various flats/cities/countries in my youth. But that changed once I had kids. We moved a couple of times when the DC were babies, which was unpleasant enough, but moving last summer with DC aged 7/5/2 was hellish for us what with logistics and costs and not having school places until the day before term started and all of that fun stuff, and my eldest in particular found it hard leaving her friends and settling into a new school. They’re all doing great now but we’re not going anywhere any time soon. Meanwhile I ogle rightmove and shift furniture around to try to temper itchy feet.

how can anyone afford that many stamp duties ?

@EmeraldDreams73 I had a father like that, we moved every 5 minutes when I was a child. Marriage was awful but he spun the same line - that if we just moved house again which would solve x problem he'd finally be happy and then he'd stop being awful all the time. He never changed, obvs, it was just the same shit in a different house. He always insisted on a 'project' house too but there was never any money to fix anything so we lived with damp and leaking windows and horrible knackered bathrooms. Kept my mother in the marriage, I suppose. It seems to be a thing. I never made childhood friends, either, because every house move meant a new school, and kids never came to our house more than once because it was always gross.

Suffice to say I have moved as infrequently as possible as an adult.

It would be a flat no from me too.

I bought our house when ds was three. We'll live here until he chooses what he wants to do after school. Consistency is important for dcs if at all possible.

Unless your dp needs to move to maintain employment, he is being selfish.

There's a great phrase for this: 'Wherever you go, there you are". Sort of means you can't run away from the real problem,whatever it is.

I think I'd argue that he is chasing a grass is greener idealist dream like you said rather than you resisting change. There's nothing wrong with resisting change when you've had your fill of it! Your poor DCs will not want to move again surely. I'd tell him to get a piece of paper and put the most important things in your life in the centre of the page (should be the DCs and family really?!) and then from there, list specific benefits for moving (again) for the most important people/things in your lives. I can't believe the list would be very long! If he then puts himself at the centre of the page and makes a list, it might make him see that he is being selfish! YANBU to want to stay.

YANBU

His behaviour is not uncommon. Many of us do the “I’ll be happier when…” thing. The problem is there is always another ‘when’ postponing joy.

He will never find happiness in a house if he has not learned to find it in himself.

Is he trying to pay down the national debt with stamp duty?

My dad was like this, I absolutely hated it.

My mum finally put her foot down when we were older teens and he had an affair and left!!

YANBU to tell him you’re not moving.

I think moving a whole family for 1 person's job is just as bad tbh. It is a really outdated, patriarchal concept.

If children are settled in school then I would compromise and tell him you are up for mthe bing to a better house as long as it is still the school catchment area and you won’t have to change your job or anything else about your life and he does all the packing and unpacking

That way you aren’t saying no.

With children in a school they are settled in with friends, any forever house that is going to unsettle their peace of mind won’t be a forever home for anyone.

Funnily I’m the opposite
i grew up moving with weeks notice and as an adult I’ve been in the same place 17 years and am heavily resistant to change!

I'd put your foot down.
It can't be all about him. You have a life as do your children.

I am a serial mover; I get itchy feet, I love new places - any excuse to move is great. The longest I’ve ever lived anywhere is 12 years, and that was because my kids were at school and happy and that was important.

Obviously, therefore, in your shoes, I’d just say no this time.

No!!! I'd definitely be putting my foot down on this. I'd tell him that he could move if he wanted to but that the rest of us would be staying firmly put.

Fuck that shit.

Put it this way. My oldest child had lived in 9 houses by the time he was 11. Their dad and I divorced the following year. I still live in that same house 11 years later, he has moved 6 or 7 times in that period. It’s like an addiction.
for us it was slightly different as the kids stayed in the same schools, but still.

put your foot down. If 3 out of 4 people are settled then that’s the deciding vote.

Sounds horrific why on earth does he want to move again. stay where you are ! Sounds like my brother he can't settle and is constantly chopping and changing his mind about jobs people houses you name it

It’s actually been proved that moving more than 3 times is detrimental to children’s development.

Ooh I've never written this before I think despite my years on MN... No is a complete sentence.

Resistant to change? Yes! Yes, you're resistant to pointless and expensive change for the sake of it. Most people are. It's destabilising and stupid.

Get a little matriarchal on his ass. You know what you need, you dont have to give in or mert him halfway on this one, because it's stupid. He can get an allotment and completely change it every year. He can get a job that requires him to be nomadic. He can join a spiritual drumming circle and tour the boho spots of the Home Counties. He can join the circus. You are staying where you are, with the kids, living your lives.

I think children have never before needed stability more than in society today.
Their peers are critical to that.
I remember a couple of children joining my childrens classes and I know it was hard for them to really join well formed groups, particularly after about 8-10.

My husband has had several great offers over the years that we both would have adored, but the childrens happiness and stability came first.

The teen years can be hard, having a secure group of pals makes all the difference.

My husbands close friend that he made in his 20's post university, had moved around constantly, and despite living in some fantastic spots struggled to make those special friends during his teens.

When he married they committed to one lovely location and never moved.
He openly admitted he wanted his children to have the security he lacked by having close friends.
His brother navigated the years more easily than he did, as some children find it easier to be constantly the new kid every two years, as they move from post to post.

My parents did this because of my mother's cheating. We moved house to get away from the scene of her crimes only for her to start up again.

The consequence of this was awful to us kids. Always the new kid at school, get settled only to move on. I have no roots or ties to one area like other people. No old friends.

My brother has followed this pattern with his kids. I absolutely refused to do this to my daughter so, although I divorced, she had one primary school and one senior school. She has a network of friends from these as well as from university.

I would refuse to move again for your kid's sake. Too disruptive because of someone's itchy feet.