Partner wants to move AGAIN - am I being unreasonable to lose the plot over it??

[Arsenalma]

So we’ve moved 3 times in the last 4 years and now DH wants to move again 😩

Bit of background - we moved for his job in 2021 (fair), then again in 2022 cos he hated the first place (also fair-ish), then last year cos the kids’ school situation was a nightmare. I’ve basically packed and unpacked my life more times than I’ve had hot dinners. Kids are FINALLY settled. I’ve got a part-time job I actually like. We’ve got mates nearby. And now he’s saying this isn’t the “forever house” and he’s seen somewhere “perfect” 2 bloody hours away.

I just can’t face it again. The logistics, the stress, the cost - and for what?? Another ‘maybe this’ll be better’ pipe dream. It’s like he’s addicted to Rightmove.

We’ve had a few rows about it already. He thinks I’m “resisting change” and being negative. I think he’s chasing some fantasy and forgetting the actual real-life upheaval this causes. Not to mention what it does to the kids - DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time.

Not sure what I’m after posting this tbh. Just needed a rant and maybe to hear if anyone else has a serial mover for a partner? Or if I’m just being a stubborn cow.

Anyway cheers for reading if you got this far 😅

Are you buying or renting? If buying I would be tempted to point out all of the money it is costing you to move.

We’ve had a few rows about it already. He thinks I’m “resisting change” and being negative. I think he’s chasing some fantasy and forgetting the actual real-life upheaval this causes. Not to mention what it does to the kids - DS started actually sleeping through and DD’s made proper friends for the first time.

He probably doesn't like himself much . My dh does this , something goes wrong in his life , and he blames the area we live in , and the house etc .

We moved 300 miles to the place we holidayed in as it was his " happy place " life would be great , the people are more friendly , more to do etc etc .

Accept it isn't for him , he still moans , still says we should move away where to he can't answer .

I've told him the feelings he has are within him and he will just take them with him .
I'll just keep reminding him that every few years when it's brought up again .

Nope I wouldn’t do it. Moving house is expensive and disruptive. Two moves because of him and one for school reasons. If the children are settled in school and you have a job and have put down roots and presumably he still has the same job why does he want to move again. Add up moving expenses and tell him how much you have spent on moving. I would not go and tell him to stop looking at right move. What is the reason this time?

I say as someone that gets itchy feet too. Mine is rooted in boredom rather than childhood dislocation. I love a fresh start, a new house, new chapter etc and adventure. I have forced myself to be more disciplined for my dc. I try to use my adventurous side for travelling, holidays etc. I want to raise secure children, they come first,

We have amazing friends, house and life and I still think I wonder what life is like in x,y and z

Nah, it's just plain selfish. He has a family and your needs are more important that his whims. Must have more money than sense, if your buying and selling - all those fee's etc.

No I wouldn't because it's unfair on me and the kids. He's being incredibly selfish.

My parents moved us around constantly as kids (not even just in the UK - France, Morocco, Portugal etc). As soon as I felt settled and had a friendship group at school it was 'oh! We're moving to a different country in two weeks!' And then I try to start all over again.

For the sake of your kids just say no.

Counselling for him -he needs to work out why he wants to move so much

"resisting change" yes you are because on top of all the good things you've listed about the current place it is unreasonable to uproot everyone again in such a short space of time.

What does he think is wrong? What is he trying to fix? What is he chasing?

It isn’t helpful to your children to keep moving especially if they’re now settled in school. Some moves are inevitable but it seems pretty clear that your H will always find a reason to move if you indulge this wish of his.

You’re a family - it’s not just about what he wants. He talks of wanting change but you’ve had plenty of that. In any case, my experience of raising children is that there’s constant change just from the mere fact of them getting older.

This sounds more like escapism than change and I agree with PP that he would benefit from therapy to work out why he wants to be constantly on the move. It’s a problem.

Why did they do this? And have you ever discussed with them the impact this had on you?

He's an idiot. Absolutely no way would I move. Tell him to move alone.

Who or what is he running away from? Unless he's a forces kid or an expat whose parents moved for work every couple of years, that's odd. The only people I have known, other than those above, who moved so frequently were a couple where the man was an offender with a serious conviction that would never be off his record. His history would catch him up and the next thing you knew, they'd part exd for another brand new house.
This may well be a deal breaker but I think you need to dig your heels in and refuse to move again until the kids are through school.

We are a military family, so move every few years. We’ve lived in several countries….
However: I knew this would be my life when I married DH 🤷🏻‍♀️ I signed up for it. The DC’s are also very adaptable to change, and have done really well with every move so far.
You didn’t sign up for it.
Why does he have an obsession with the grass always been greener? Did he grow up moving around a lot? Does he feel stagnant in jobs very quickly?
In your situation, I feel like you have to prioritise your children’s happiness. Moving again sounds like it’s going to be more upheaval for them, moving schools again, being “the new kid” again.
I’d really dig my heels in if I were in your shoes.

I moved a lot as a kid. It's really not fair. It did me lasting damage. I'm from a loving, wonderful family and the moves were not really in anyone's control, but they deeply, deeply affected me. The last time I moved schools I was only 12 but I still find it very easy (too easy) to say Goodbye to people, and I don't really have any friends that I don't see on a v regular basis (eg. From school, uni, previous jobs etc) . I just let them go.

Nope, hard no. Purely for the fact that the kids are settled I wouldn’t move unless there was a really serious issue with the house. Tell him if he wants to move he can go on his own. It’s absolutely not “resisting change” to want your kids to have a bit of stability.

So much you could say to this, but based on what you say about the kids alone it's just a no, isn't it. How he reacts to your no will tell you whether it's even worth engaging with why he keeps doing this or whether to just let him pursue his pipe dreams on his own.

Does he wfh? Do you? It isn’t fair to keep uprooting the family for no good reason. How does he think the kids would feel?

Sounds like he is resisting stability !!

location is the one thing you can’t change about a house, most other things can be changed. Sounds like you’re in the right location for all of you. Can’t he work on making your house what he wants ?

Sometime the wise women of mumsnet come out with the most fantastic one liners.
This post has one.
“You are not a passenger in his life”
That is brilliant and it fits this perfectly.
You and the children outnumber him so all of your needs trump his I’m afraid.
Remember too - No is a complete sentence.

How can he afford the stamp duty each time?!

Yanbu - ‘resistant to change’ when you have moved 3 times out of 4 years, is that bordering on gaslighting?!

we moved abo0ut ten times up to the age of 17 and it gave me anxiety which i still have-hes not thinking of his kids
we werent army or anything like that

He sounds selfish.

My DH does 'what ifs'. He will see a town mentioned and start planning our move there and then send me the details. It goes all over the country and goes between lifestyle block and fixer upper house in the city. (He has no practical skills to fix anything or manage livestock.) Thankfully, he doesn't push to act on it. I find it annoying enough him doing this. It makes me feel unsettled and feel like he's unhappy.

I point out the cost of buying/moving, the money and time spent on DIY/gardening/furniture after we move. Assuming you're renting, it probably is less expensive but still a chunk of money that could be in your savings. It's not easy to find jobs and work out new logistics.

Absolutely not.
Put your foot down.
Put your children first.
Tell him crack on himself.
Your poor children.